skipper734
Registered ruffian
Rule of thumb. Personal experience. This was told to me, A monkey doesn't let go of a branch until it grasps another one.
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Legal advice, family law.
- Thread starter Captain Sensible
- Start date
sirtonybloomthankyou
New member
- Jun 22, 2011
- 72
I'm very sorry to hear your news, I'm currently going through the same after 13 years of marriage ( 3 kids involved) but I'm a lot further down the line than you, my advise would be to fight for your marriage if that's what you want, however take a step back at times and don't force things, you will feel pain and anger, try and keep your feelings and arguments away from your children, unfortunately they will remember then.
Stay put in your house and don't walk away, it will be a long, hard battle which you need to be strong for, not only for yourself but your children
My biggest bit of advice would be, talk to someone, definitely not your wife maybe not even a friend could be a doctor or someone on here but don't make my mistake and bottle it all up, it nearly killed me
Stay put in your house and don't walk away, it will be a long, hard battle which you need to be strong for, not only for yourself but your children
My biggest bit of advice would be, talk to someone, definitely not your wife maybe not even a friend could be a doctor or someone on here but don't make my mistake and bottle it all up, it nearly killed me
crookie
Well-known member
Tough one mate, feel for you, separated from my ex about 6 years ago, we weren't married but had been together about 10 years, house and kids. Difference being we both kind of realised it was coming to an end so mostly it's been pretty amicable. Did speak to a solicitor once, after a bit of a falling out when the house was sold. Kay & Pascoe in Crowborough, not sure where you are. He was very good, encouraged me not to get the courts involved unless as a last resort. As long as you have mutually agreed access and time with the kids, leave it as that. Once a court order is made, all flexibility is removed and you have to stick 100% to that.
I realise that is a bit further down the line for you, and hopefully advice that won't be needed, but just thought I'd pass it on in case the worst comes to the worst. Just make sure, if you can, that you don't use the kids against each other, their welfare should be both of your priority. I wish you all the best, and hope you manage to work it through with her. Good luck
I realise that is a bit further down the line for you, and hopefully advice that won't be needed, but just thought I'd pass it on in case the worst comes to the worst. Just make sure, if you can, that you don't use the kids against each other, their welfare should be both of your priority. I wish you all the best, and hope you manage to work it through with her. Good luck
Insel affe
HellBilly
Sorry to hear that fella, hope all things sort themselves out for you.
BensGrandad
New member
Thankfully never been in that position but would have thought the best advice and cheapest would be to contact the CAB. Do they not offer and arrange a 30 min free consultation with a solicitor?
Emily's Mum
New member
Sorry to hear your news.
I split up from my husband 13 years ago. It was incredibly amicable; I told him the week before we went on holiday and we sat on a sunbeds working out who was having what. I knew I wanted to move away from the area, and I was leaving the children (aged 7 & 12) behind. I was lucky, I worked in a bank and dealt with mortgages when people were getting divorced, so I knew what I was entitled to & didn't use a solicitor. My Ex's solicitor told him he wasn't going to make any money out of him as we had agreed on everything.
So, what did I learn?
Never ever argue in front of the children, they will remember it. My children were shocked when we said we were separating as they only saw us being nice to each other. It takes a lot of patience and resilience.
Try and go for joint custody of the children. We did, and it enabled me to see them whenever I wanted. All the court wanted to know was where the children were going to be living for the majority of the time.
Do you have a joint bank account? Does your salary go into it? This is hard as you obviously love your wife and want to trust her. However sometimes you have to put yourself first. Would you be happy to work all month and then find that your salary gets completely withdrawn?
If you can try and discuss the payments to all of your outgoings, who is paying for what etc. Going overdrawn or missing payments can have a serious affect on your credit rating which in turn will affect the ability of both of you to get credit (or even a rented property) in the future.
Do you know exactly what goes out of your bank account? My husband didn't have a clue. It's best to know exactly what your financial position is.
13 years on and I am delighted to say that myself and my Ex have moved on, but the best bit is that my children love me completely. Now that they are older they appreciate that being an adult can be difficult. They don't know the reasons behind our split, but they understand that peace of mind and happiness are important and I left them because that's what I had to do at time.
Good luck
I split up from my husband 13 years ago. It was incredibly amicable; I told him the week before we went on holiday and we sat on a sunbeds working out who was having what. I knew I wanted to move away from the area, and I was leaving the children (aged 7 & 12) behind. I was lucky, I worked in a bank and dealt with mortgages when people were getting divorced, so I knew what I was entitled to & didn't use a solicitor. My Ex's solicitor told him he wasn't going to make any money out of him as we had agreed on everything.
So, what did I learn?
Never ever argue in front of the children, they will remember it. My children were shocked when we said we were separating as they only saw us being nice to each other. It takes a lot of patience and resilience.
Try and go for joint custody of the children. We did, and it enabled me to see them whenever I wanted. All the court wanted to know was where the children were going to be living for the majority of the time.
Do you have a joint bank account? Does your salary go into it? This is hard as you obviously love your wife and want to trust her. However sometimes you have to put yourself first. Would you be happy to work all month and then find that your salary gets completely withdrawn?
If you can try and discuss the payments to all of your outgoings, who is paying for what etc. Going overdrawn or missing payments can have a serious affect on your credit rating which in turn will affect the ability of both of you to get credit (or even a rented property) in the future.
Do you know exactly what goes out of your bank account? My husband didn't have a clue. It's best to know exactly what your financial position is.
13 years on and I am delighted to say that myself and my Ex have moved on, but the best bit is that my children love me completely. Now that they are older they appreciate that being an adult can be difficult. They don't know the reasons behind our split, but they understand that peace of mind and happiness are important and I left them because that's what I had to do at time.
Good luck
9 months in and I feel for you
Sounds awful, best advice I can give having been 9 month in now and going through divorce, IVA, homelessness etc is make sure you have a solicitor. Divorce law in this country is a victims charter and those victims are the couple and children.
In 2007 the then Labour govt tried to instigate a no-fault divorce law but backed down because of the Daily Mail which was cowardly in the extreme. As a result, the divorce laws are there to create conflict and a sensible "No-fault" divorce doesn't exist which would have made your situation less stressful or expensive. If you can avoid it, do so. The only winners are solicitors. Adultery or not, blame is equal in the courts terms, but is at least a quick route through it, otherwise it's two years of separation then divorce. A previous poster suggested mediation, this is a good option. However, if your wife pushes it, you need to look out for yourself because in family law the husband gets shafted. If you do go down the divorce route, make it as amicable as possible, bite your tongue, even when it kills you, be reasonable at all costs for the kids sake, that's vital. Have good friends around you, listen but don't over react emotionally. I say all this because I didn't heed my own words and it's a mess.
My ex is in the house with the kids, I am sleeping in my office (about to be evicted) and broke. I offered and asked my wife to go to counselling years ago, she refused, 7 years of an "unphysical relationship" later I gave in to the inevitable and met someone, I should have known and got out sooner. Here's the upside and you may not think there is one, but there is.
If you can keep your head and save it, go for it but if it does go down the drain, be the strong one, be the one who keeps your dignity and you will get through it.
I've got a great relationship now with a woman who genuinely loves me, I see the kids but I am looking for somewhere to live and yes I'm broke, but it's actually better than it was. You will get through it whatever happens, tell your self that every day, like a mantra and if you come through it with a stronger marriage, all the better. As Kipling said, "if you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs..." etc. And there's always the Albion to cheer you up. Best of luck mate. UTA.
Sounds awful, best advice I can give having been 9 month in now and going through divorce, IVA, homelessness etc is make sure you have a solicitor. Divorce law in this country is a victims charter and those victims are the couple and children.
In 2007 the then Labour govt tried to instigate a no-fault divorce law but backed down because of the Daily Mail which was cowardly in the extreme. As a result, the divorce laws are there to create conflict and a sensible "No-fault" divorce doesn't exist which would have made your situation less stressful or expensive. If you can avoid it, do so. The only winners are solicitors. Adultery or not, blame is equal in the courts terms, but is at least a quick route through it, otherwise it's two years of separation then divorce. A previous poster suggested mediation, this is a good option. However, if your wife pushes it, you need to look out for yourself because in family law the husband gets shafted. If you do go down the divorce route, make it as amicable as possible, bite your tongue, even when it kills you, be reasonable at all costs for the kids sake, that's vital. Have good friends around you, listen but don't over react emotionally. I say all this because I didn't heed my own words and it's a mess.
My ex is in the house with the kids, I am sleeping in my office (about to be evicted) and broke. I offered and asked my wife to go to counselling years ago, she refused, 7 years of an "unphysical relationship" later I gave in to the inevitable and met someone, I should have known and got out sooner. Here's the upside and you may not think there is one, but there is.
If you can keep your head and save it, go for it but if it does go down the drain, be the strong one, be the one who keeps your dignity and you will get through it.
I've got a great relationship now with a woman who genuinely loves me, I see the kids but I am looking for somewhere to live and yes I'm broke, but it's actually better than it was. You will get through it whatever happens, tell your self that every day, like a mantra and if you come through it with a stronger marriage, all the better. As Kipling said, "if you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs..." etc. And there's always the Albion to cheer you up. Best of luck mate. UTA.
Bob'n'weave
Well-known member
My heart goes out to you fella. Been through exactly this after 23yrs with mine with 2 kids. My best advice is LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, if that means talking to a professional about how you can deal with what you are feeling, then do it. We did not go down the legal route and 4 years on things are ok. Put the kids first, be strong for them and do not underestimate how it is going to be affecting them. My ex had a gaggle of 'mates' doing the 'right on sister' bit, so be prepared for that element of interference.
I would say don't move out, but I couldn't bear it and left after 6 weeks of spare rooming it. Some good advice on here, keep it amicable, stay out of court etc. If you do move out, be careful about trying to create another family home for the kids, unless you can afford it. If you leave, there will be maintenance issues as far as the kids are concerned, and you will be hard pressed to keep two households running. Good luck and take care.
I would say don't move out, but I couldn't bear it and left after 6 weeks of spare rooming it. Some good advice on here, keep it amicable, stay out of court etc. If you do move out, be careful about trying to create another family home for the kids, unless you can afford it. If you leave, there will be maintenance issues as far as the kids are concerned, and you will be hard pressed to keep two households running. Good luck and take care.
pearl
Well-known member
I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm going to ... she sounds a right selfish cow
Arthritic Toe
Well-known member
Sorry to hear this. If it is not reconcilable, I would advise that you stay put in the house - it weakens your position if you move out. Also, contrary to what some others have said, DONT get solicitors involved unless its absolutely a last resort. If you can keep it amicable, you don't need them. If you do use them, make no mistake that they will bleed you both dry. They (the solicitors) will tell you both what a likely settlement will be - but it will be vastly exaggerated for both parties in order to get your business. They will also create conflict where none exists in order to maximise their work.
Assuming it can be kept amicable, you need to try and reach the settlement in percentage terms, that would be awarded if it went to court. There is plenty of information out there to give you an idea what this settlement would be, so assuming you are both sensible and realistic, you can reach this percentage on your own. You may find it helps to use mediation - these services are available and fairly cheap, in order to reach the settlement. Once you have reached agreement on the settlement you just need to formalise it in a Consent Order. There are various fixed price services that will do this for you (I used Wikivorce - it was fine).
I wish you the best of luck with it. I hope you manage to work it out, but if you don't I hope the above is of some help. And just to repeat DONT use solicitors (unless there is no other option).
Assuming it can be kept amicable, you need to try and reach the settlement in percentage terms, that would be awarded if it went to court. There is plenty of information out there to give you an idea what this settlement would be, so assuming you are both sensible and realistic, you can reach this percentage on your own. You may find it helps to use mediation - these services are available and fairly cheap, in order to reach the settlement. Once you have reached agreement on the settlement you just need to formalise it in a Consent Order. There are various fixed price services that will do this for you (I used Wikivorce - it was fine).
I wish you the best of luck with it. I hope you manage to work it out, but if you don't I hope the above is of some help. And just to repeat DONT use solicitors (unless there is no other option).
And if a person leaves their spouse for their lover, the lover leaves a vacancy behind them.
While you wait for an Enrest thread, have a read here:
http://www.terry.co.uk/uk_divorce_forum.html
http://www.terry.co.uk/divorce_general.html
It helped me a lot - most family solicitors offer 30 minute initial consultations free of charge.
http://www.terry.co.uk/uk_divorce_forum.html
http://www.terry.co.uk/divorce_general.html
It helped me a lot - most family solicitors offer 30 minute initial consultations free of charge.
Arthritic Toe
Well-known member
And right there is where they offer you the earth, while forming their strategy to get the shirt off your back.
chip
Well-known member
I agree with this advice about solicitors, not always the most helpful way of resolving issues and if you are not the petitioner you do not need them for the acknowledgement of service when the proceedings are initiated. If you don't, and you would be silly to, contest the divorce you only have to sign things. Worth agreeing in advance and putting it on the acknowledgement of service that you contest costs against you or you will get you soon-to-be-ex's solicitors costs. Be prepared for some upset with the reasons given for your unreasonable behaviour. There is no point in arguing them and no one but the judge will see them. You can (as I did) rebuff them but not contest the divorce.
You should discuss arrangements for children. Also look at the CMS website to see how much that will cost you (or her) depending on how much time they spend with you. I ended up with both children living with me an had great fun with the CMS chasing me for payment and then agreeing I should be being paid. I never sought payment from my ex as I knew that would be damaging for the children.
You will have to go to mediation which can be effective as resolving financial issues and is cheap compared to asking the court to do it. Download a form E from the court service and see the information that you will need to produce to get a financial resolution.
Be realistic and remember that the needs of children come first. Try not to get involved in pointless battles or believe everything that you are told by the future ex. You have a right to see your children.
Resolving finances, arrangements for children and the actual divorce are seperate things. Most judges when there are children involved will not issue the decree absolute until a consent order is in place.
A really useful website is www.wikivorce.com.
I went through this twice with the same person. We tried to reconcile and it didn't work out, it seldom does.
If things have genuinely reached the point of breakup, consider mediation before going to see a solicitor.
Mediation is cheaper, gets both parties to see the other point of view, and aimed at conflict resolution. Solicitors have a vested interest in doing what is best for their client, and can often inflame what is a messy and distressing experience.
A whole host of things here and I'll also send you advice via PM.
> Ask why she feels like this. There must be a reason. ( details as to why I know this in my PM )
> Do not leave the house
> I'm not a fan of family law solicitors - some can give balanced advice but most don't. If Mrs CS does use a solicitor make sure you don't automatically believe what they send you. They are very devious with words and making suggestions to make you think you need to do something.
> Most of all, insist that she talks to you. Ten years is a long time to throw away and if she has any respect for you she will at least talk.
> Ask why she feels like this. There must be a reason. ( details as to why I know this in my PM )
> Do not leave the house
> I'm not a fan of family law solicitors - some can give balanced advice but most don't. If Mrs CS does use a solicitor make sure you don't automatically believe what they send you. They are very devious with words and making suggestions to make you think you need to do something.
> Most of all, insist that she talks to you. Ten years is a long time to throw away and if she has any respect for you she will at least talk.
Captain Sensible
Well-known member
- Thread starter
- #38
Wow, your situation is almost a mirror of mine. Except we married quite early on. We have been together 14years and married 10. She has had health issues, and all sorts of time (6years)and money has been spent on trying to help her live with her condition and also supporting her through all of it. I was feeling a bit low for a few months last year. I was finding myself tired and asleep all the time until I took some time off work and snapped out of it. I just had a bit of burnout and worked all over Christmas and felt a bit crappy. I supported her through all her problems and the one time I have a wobble, she says I'm hard to live with, she's not happy and that's it. Over! I just don't get it at all. It's like if I'd have dropped a kitchen knife on my barefoot, I wouldn't be allowed to swear or shout, if I do she accuses me of flying off the handle! It's crazy. Yet she is so tense, so stressed, and I when I point that out, she says I made her like that. I knew we weren't getting on as great as some other years but honestly our marriage is not a bad one and we hardly ever argue. I just honestly don't get it and I'm so afraid for my kids also.
I think we will try mediation after reading a lot of the excellent advice on here. She says a50/50 split but I am full time and she is part time and obviously I bring more to the table financially. But if i am to have to start a new life i can't afford to contribute what i do now. I am just so worried for my kids. I would like joint custody if I can get it. I am not going to move out but I'm off work and will go away somewhere for a few days. Being in the house is almost unbearable and I can't think straight. I don't want to live in a loveless (from her side) and non intimate marriage in the house. With the threat of her trying to take my life and my kids. It's like my whole world is falling apart.
Thanks NSC for the great advice!
Monkey Man
Your support is not that great
Very sorry for anyone in this position.
I have seen friends involved in very messy splits/divorces/child custody issues and the family courts have been horrendous. I don't think people understand just how little evidence they require to wreck people's lives.
Hopefully whatever solution you arrive at will be amicable and minimise any time in the legal system.
I have seen friends involved in very messy splits/divorces/child custody issues and the family courts have been horrendous. I don't think people understand just how little evidence they require to wreck people's lives.
Hopefully whatever solution you arrive at will be amicable and minimise any time in the legal system.
Problem is women speak openly to their friends about private issues. This leads to a frenzy of advice normally resulting in you being a ******* and take you for everything.
Men on the other hand might say to a mate they're having a few problems and the net result is going to the pub getting slaughtered and f**k the world.
Next day you're still the ******* but now you've got a raging hangover
Men on the other hand might say to a mate they're having a few problems and the net result is going to the pub getting slaughtered and f**k the world.
Next day you're still the ******* but now you've got a raging hangover