Legal advice, family law.

[Captain Sensible]

Hi, I am in the unfortunate situation of my wife of 10 years telling me she wants us to divorce. It's hit me like a train because I didn't think things were that bad and there has been not adultery or abuse. We've got a pretty normal relationship. We've got a house and two kids together, no savings of significance as all our money went into the house. I haven't moved out, just into the spare room and I have no intentions of leaving, even though I really want to.
I was wondering if anyone has any advice they can give me? Do's and do not's? I don't want to screw things up for myself by making wrong choices at this early stage. Any helpful advice is appreciated.

 

[Weststander]

Very sorry. Excuse the unintended pun, but that's a 'sensible' move to not move out yet, handing the security and shelter of your home over to Mrs.CS. Whilst not forking out rent elsewhere for the moment.

I think you really need to see a solicitor specialising in family law, however galling it is to pay their mega hourly rate. Many of them now offer Mediation, which can be a far cheaper and amicable route.

Good luck.

 

[beorhthelm]

sounds very like a friend's situation 6 months back. only advice can offer, even if you may not want to lawyer up, get proper legal advice. she probably has someone in her ear telling her what she can and cant expect, you need to know where you stand and get most for you. law and family courts will protect the kids if it gets ugly, though try to do what you can to maintain relationship with them of course.

and start recording all expenses and bills, who's paying what out of which accounts, so it can all be split and you dont end up paying her loan or find a bunch of bills haven't been paid.

 

[Soulman]

How old are the children?

 

[LamieRobertson]

Sorry to hear your sad news....cant offer any advice except to say keep communicating with each other and wish you all the best

 

[Brian Fantana]

First off, my sympathies for your situation - I wish you all the best.

I've had a family member go through exactly the same situation as you fairly recently. All I can advise, to echo some of the other comments above, is to find yourself a solicitor ASAP. They will almost certainly advocate the mediation route as a starting point, but it is really important to make sure that you've got a solicitor in your corner working through everything with you.

 

[Bold Seagull]

Is marriage counselling the first port of call ahead of solicitors? Attempting to establish the root cause of the issues, working through them, trialling a separation to start with perhaps. Seems pretty extreme to go from normal to wanting a divorce. Legal advice can't be a bad option either so you know where you stand, but attempting to salvage the situation, got to be worth a go. Divorce always seems so definite and costly. People separating for a period sometimes get their heads in order and can often reconcile. Can only wish you and your family the best of luck.

 

[Insel affe]

Hi, I am in the unfortunate situation of my wife of 10 years telling me she wants us to divorce. It's hit me like a train because I didn't think things were that bad and there has been not adultery or abuse. We've got a pretty normal relationship. We've got a house and two kids together, no savings of significance as all our money went into the house. I haven't moved out, just into the spare room and I have no intentions of leaving, even though I really want to.
I was wondering if anyone has any advice they can give me? Do's and do not's? I don't want to screw things up for myself by making wrong choices at this early stage. Any helpful advice is appreciated.

So sorry to hear your news, I do not know how I would cope with such life changing news.

Good luck with everything, and the children are the most important thing don't let yourself or your partner use them as pawns in the divorce.

 

[Hamilton]

Hi, I am in the unfortunate situation of my wife of 10 years telling me she wants us to divorce. It's hit me like a train because I didn't think things were that bad and there has been not adultery or abuse. We've got a pretty normal relationship. We've got a house and two kids together, no savings of significance as all our money went into the house. I haven't moved out, just into the spare room and I have no intentions of leaving, even though I really want to.
I was wondering if anyone has any advice they can give me? Do's and do not's? I don't want to screw things up for myself by making wrong choices at this early stage. Any helpful advice is appreciated.

Do you love your wife?

If you do, then do everything you possibly can to sort things out. Leave no stone unturned. Counselling, mediation whatever. Tell her you are 100% committed to making it work. Do not move out.

If that is what you want.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Do you love your wife?

If you do, then do everything you possibly can to sort things out. Leave no stone unturned. Counselling, mediation whatever. Tell her you are 100% committed to making it work. Do not move out.

If that is what you want.

Surely THIS, has to be the right answer, in the first instance?

 

[pearl]

Do you love your wife?

If you do, then do everything you possibly can to sort things out. Leave no stone unturned. Counselling, mediation whatever. Tell her you are 100% committed to making it work. Do not move out.

If that is what you want.

excellent advice, I wouldn't throw 10 years down the pan without a fight, relationships aren't easy, they're hard work at times

 

[Captain Sensible]

Is marriage counselling the first port of call ahead of solicitors? Attempting to establish the root cause of the issues, working through them, trialling a separation to start with perhaps. Seems pretty extreme to go from normal to wanting a divorce. Legal advice can't be a bad option either so you know where you stand, but attempting to salvage the situation, got to be worth a go. Divorce always seems so definite and costly. People separating for a period sometimes get their heads in order and can often reconcile. Can only wish you and your family the best of luck.

Yes we went to a counselling session. She seemed ok to go down that route but then she went back on that 2 days later! I am hoping time will get her to come around if she and I are in the same house together.

 

[Captain Sensible]

Do you love your wife?

If you do, then do everything you possibly can to sort things out. Leave no stone unturned. Counselling, mediation whatever. Tell her you are 100% committed to making it work. Do not move out.

If that is what you want.

Brilliant advice and it's very much the advice I am following. I have told her that I am ready and willing at any point to try again and take it as slow as she wants but she just plain refuses. She seems to think breaking up the family and going through all this break up and stress is worth it over trying again. No matter what I do to try to convince her. It's like the more I try to save it all, the more she digs her heels in!

If anyone can recommend a good solicitor in family law that can help, especially on the mans side of things. It would be a great place to start. I have spoken to 2 solicitors so far, both have been female and had conflicting things to say.

 

[Captain Sensible]

Junior school age

 

[smeg]

Sent you a private message

 

[bhanutz]

Yes we went to a counselling session. She seemed ok to go down that route but then she went back on that 2 days later! I am hoping time will get her to come around if she and I are in the same house together.

You probably don't want this question to be asked, Are you sure she is not seeing someone else?

I only say that because it is a very similar story to what a mate went through 6 months ago! His wife was very irrational and kept changing her mind, it all came out in the end.

It's never easy and I feel for you.

 

[Hamilton]

Yes we went to a counselling session. She seemed ok to go down that route but then she went back on that 2 days later! I am hoping time will get her to come around if she and I are in the same house together.

This is all going to take a long long time. Expect her to change her mind a lot. It's a confusing time for you both. Just don't see things as black and white at this stage. What is said one day can be contradicted the next day, and then contradicted again the day after that. Take time. Lots of it. And make sure you say to her - and yourself - that this is a crazy and hard to fathom time.

I went down this route many years ago, but because I wanted to. You don't, so don't. Make it the very very last port of call, and take time. Take legal advice, but do not go legal. Just don't.

Have you seen a counselor alone? Have you explored exactly what has got you to this situation? Do so. Let her know you are. Share what you learn with her. Show her you are committed to understanding this through and through.


Sent from my iPhone in a non-Calde world :-(

 

[W.C.]

Brilliant advice and it's very much the advice I am following. I have told her that I am ready and willing at any point to try again and take it as slow as she wants but she just plain refuses. She seems to think breaking up the family and going through all this break up and stress is worth it over trying again. No matter what I do to try to convince her. It's like the more I try to save it all, the more she digs her heels in!

If anyone can recommend a good solicitor in family law that can help, especially on the mans side of things. It would be a great place to start. I have spoken to 2 solicitors so far, both have been female and had conflicting things to say.

No advice, sorry, just good luck.

 

[Bad Ash]

You probably don't want this question to be asked, Are you sure she is not seeing someone else?

I only say that because it is a very similar story to what a mate went through 6 months ago! His wife was very irrational and kept changing her mind, it all came out in the end.

I've been in a similar scenario myself, when we broke up she insisted that no-one else was involved, but it was only a matter of weeks before she was seeing someone else (that she'd known before the break-up).

 

[Smeagull]

Hi captain, I'm in a similar situation. Partner of 12 years (been married for 20 months) with two children together decided she no longer feels the same way about me a couple of weeks ago. We had a bad argument and she told me to go stay at my mums for a few days so we could have some space. After a couple of days I was aching to get back but she rang to tell me the news and told me not to come home. We don't own the house but i do have some savings that I did plan on using for a home within the next couple of years. I know I've made some mistakes in the relationship but I didn't think it was so bad that we couldn't work through it but she seems to be adamant that she's made up her mind and nothing I could do could change it. I haven't cheated and she says she hasn't and although I believe her the thought that she has does linger in my mind sometimes. It hit me hard and being away from the kids is really tough. I still go over and look after them 3 or 4 days a week at them moment which is nice and she says I'm a great Dad and that she'd never stop me from seeing them but I do worry that she could change her mind about that. I've stayed on the sofa a few times and generally when I'm there we get on really well but whenever I bring up the situation she says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she's made up her mind. I don't understand how she can moan at me for 6 years to marry her then as soon as I do she changes her mind. It's not even been a year since our honeymoon ffs.

Meanwhile I'm sleeping on an airbed at my mums which is like a Zoo with my younger step-siblings there, looking at cr*ppy overpriced flats on rightmove because I want somewhere that I can spend time with my kids. I still feel that we can work this out so I don't really want to rush into anything.

Anyway, what I'm basically saying is that I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for the advice too and if you fancy a chat then drop me a message.