Legal advice, family law.

[El Presidente]

All I was trying to say was that not all women are the same

Absolutely, and something that all NSC gents should bear in mind when visiting certain bars in Thailand.

 

[pearl]

Absolutely, and something that all NSC gents should bear in mind when visting certain bars in Thailand.

visting

 

[Bold Seagull]

I don't know, I didn't use a solicitor to find out what I was entitled to. Being entitled to something and doing what is fair can be two completely different things. All I was trying to say was that not all women are the same

Great to have a female voice added to the comments. Only in my circle of friends, it has been the men who have acted like complete dicks in the breakup and divorce. Got to say, my missus didn't earn a penny in actual sterling in the early years of bringing up our 3 children, but by crikey if I was going to put that period in monetary terms to the value it added to our family - it would be huge!

 

[Captain Sensible]

Unrequited love can be emotionally crippling, especially when you are trying to keep it together under the same roof. I eventually moved into a shared house which was financially manageable and the kids came to bunk up with me in my room over the weekends. I looked online to see what the CSA would take off me, if she applied, and gave her that each month to avoid legal frameworks. Custody should not be an issue if you can work it out fairly. A good mediator should be able to help with explaining the realities of this in regards to what a court is likely to decide, avoiding legal sharks and court rulings which make it difficult to keep an open mind about getting back together.
Lying in the spare room tearing yourself apart about what you could have done, or what you might be able to do to 'fix it' is just going to make things worse. The stronger you are, the better it will be for you and the kids. She has made her mind up about the change in HER life, there is nothing you can do about that. If her mindset is going to change it will be down to her, not you. The more you can do to keep yourself strong the better.
After 3 years of pining for my family back I have finally got over the pain. Even though I still love her, I have found my own strength again and have accepted the situation for what it is, that takes time CS, but don't worry you will get through this.

Thank you for this post, it really is inspiring. I am holding out for her to come around, but I've decided I'm not going to feel bad about myself for something I didn't cause. So thank you!

 

[LlcoolJ]

Thank you for this post, it really is inspiring. I am holding out for her to come around, but I've decided I'm not going to feel bad about myself for something I didn't cause. So thank you!

As I've mentioned in PM, if you know (in all honesty to yourself) that this is not to do with anything that you've done (aside from the normal "this irritates my wife" shit that everyone has) and you are certain that nobody else is involved, this situation is 100% salvageable.

Too many people let it go because it's hard work. F#ck that. Never beat yourself up, never wonder what might have been, always look at the logic of the grievance..... and if there isn't any logic then there's a solution. However much it might seem like the opposite is true.

It's frikkin horrible but it is possible to come through it and be stronger and better than ever for both of you.

Really hope you sort it out.

 

[Captain Sensible]

As I've mentioned in PM, if you know (in all honesty to yourself) that this is not to do with anything that you've done (aside from the normal "this irritates my wife" shit that everyone has) and you are certain that nobody else is involved, this situation is 100% salvageable.

Too many people let it go because it's hard work. F#ck that. Never beat yourself up, never wonder what might have been, always look at the logic of the grievance..... and if there isn't any logic then there's a solution. However much it might seem like the opposite is true.

It's frikkin horrible but it is possible to come through it and be stronger and better than ever for both of you.

Really hope you sort it out.

Thanks, at the moment I'm just giving her space. It's hard but I think I need to do the opposite of what comes naturally. Keep my distance. At the same time go out, exercising, walking, be the best father for the kids that I can be. I just hope in time she will look at me not with blame and irritation but with affection and love. But I have to prepare myself for the fact that she won't come around and my family could be ripped apart.

 

[Captain Sensible]

With that in mind (preparing), what do I need to financially prepare for. I work full time and she works part time. I bring in the majority of earnings. It's not much but we get by. I understand I'll pay child maintainance but we are looking at joint custody so does that still apply?
Also will I have to pay anything towards her upkeep? We will both probably have to sell our house and buy 2 much smaller properties. But I am not sure she can cope financially on her own, but if she was mortgage free she could! So I suppose I should insist that if she wants a bigger place I'm not paying a mortgage for her. So will I have to contribute? She is part time for the kids, so once they get to 18, i don't mind paying the kids directly, but does the maintainance or any upkeep money go beyond that?

Thanks for any advice.

 

[phoenix]

Great to have a female voice added to the comments. Only in my circle of friends, it has been the men who have acted like complete dicks in the breakup and divorce. Got to say, my missus didn't earn a penny in actual sterling in the early years of bringing up our 3 children, but by crikey if I was going to put that period in monetary terms to the value it added to our family - it would be huge!

What a load of nonsense Men and Woman are both capable of acting like Pratt's. Its neither or both its an individual thing and I totally agree with Emily's mum.

P.s I would change your circle of friends! my wife and I have been separated 9 years and she say's crap husband, but great Dad. I would take that anytime! The most important thing is being there for the Children. Which we are. In fact we agree every time!

 

[Bold Seagull]

What a load of crap Men and Woman are both capable of acting like Pratt's. Its neither or both its an individual thing and I totally agree with Emily's mum.

I can only assume you have grossly misread what I've said. I agreed with Emily's post, she liked my response, and I couldn't be clearer in stating 'in my circle of friends' - not a general comment about who generally acts like whom.

 

[phoenix]

I can only assume you have grossly misread what I've said. I agreed with Emily's post, she liked my response, and I couldn't be clearer in stating 'in my circle of friends' - not a general comment about who generally acts like whom.

Please read edit, thanks. No offence intended.! quote I would change your circle of friends.

 

[Swillis]

With that in mind (preparing), what do I need to financially prepare for. I work full time and she works part time. I bring in the majority of earnings. It's not much but we get by. I understand I'll pay child maintainance but we are looking at joint custody so does that still apply?
Also will I have to pay anything towards her upkeep? We will both probably have to sell our house and buy 2 much smaller properties. But I am not sure she can cope financially on her own, but if she was mortgage free she could! So I suppose I should insist that if she wants a bigger place I'm not paying a mortgage for her. So will I have to contribute? She is part time for the kids, so once they get to 18, i don't mind paying the kids directly, but does the maintainance or any upkeep money go beyond that?

Thanks for any advice.

She may have the right to stay in the family home until the children reach a certain age, 16 or 18. You really need a solicitor to at least go through the basics with, just an hour's consultation will give you a much clearer idea.

 

[Captain Sensible]

She may have the right to stay in the family home until the children reach a certain age, 16 or 18. You really need a solicitor to at least go through the basics with, just an hour's consultation will give you a much clearer idea.

Surely so do I? Or I can at least refuse to divorce and she can't force me out, no?

 

[mwrpoole]

Surely so do I? Or I can at least refuse to divorce and she can't force me out, no?

I'm speaking from experience and things change and no two cases are the same. But when I was getting divorced I could have insisted the family home was sold and a smaller property for each of us was purchased. I decided not to pursue that for two reasons, I thought it ŵas best for the kids to stay where they were and at the time my wife was threatening to move all over the place, so it was clearly best for me to allow her to stay put.

That said it was agreed if she either cohabited or remarried she'd either have to sell up or buy me out. It was agreed the equity was to be split 50/50 so I had a vested interest in her future arrangements.

Likewise I was paying her maintenance but that had the same clauses in, so you do have to play your cards carefully so not to infuriate and antagonise your wife.

 

[Bold Seagull]

Please read edit, thanks. No offence intended.! quote I would change your circle of friends.

Why, the ones who were my friends were the injured parties in my opinion. Lovely people who were really very reasonable, but the other parties weren't. Not sure why you would say that either?

 

[Captain Sensible]

I'm speaking from experience and things change and no two cases are the same. But when I was getting divorced I could have insisted the family home was sold and a smaller property for each of us was purchased. I decided not to pursue that for two reasons, I thought it ŵas best for the kids to stay where they were and at the time my wife was threatening to move all over the place, so it was clearly best for me to allow her to stay put.

That said it was agreed if she either cohabited or remarried she'd either have to sell up or buy me out. It was agreed the equity was to be split 50/50 so I had a vested interest in her future arrangements.

Likewise I was paying her maintenance but that had the same clauses in, so you do have to play your cards carefully so not to infuriate and antagonise your wife.

Thanks, some very good advice there.

 

[Emily's Mum]

With that in mind (preparing), what do I need to financially prepare for. I work full time and she works part time. I bring in the majority of earnings. It's not much but we get by. I understand I'll pay child maintainance but we are looking at joint custody so does that still apply?
Also will I have to pay anything towards her upkeep? We will both probably have to sell our house and buy 2 much smaller properties. But I am not sure she can cope financially on her own, but if she was mortgage free she could! So I suppose I should insist that if she wants a bigger place I'm not paying a mortgage for her. So will I have to contribute? She is part time for the kids, so once they get to 18, i don't mind paying the kids directly, but does the maintainance or any upkeep money go beyond that?

Thanks for any advice.

Now don't quote me, but maintenance and custody might be two different issues. We had joint custody but the children lived full time with my ex but I was allowed to see them any time. I took a 30% pay cut when I moved away, but was still expected to pay towards their upkeep until they finished full time education. As I couldn't afford to pay for this out of my salary it was deducted from the amount of equity I had in our house. I had 20k deducted from my equity and as it was after the economic crash it was nowhere near enough for a deposit on another house.

There are lots of clauses that can go into arrangements for the house, one of which is if a former partner starts co-ha biting with anyone else


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[Westdene Seagull]

Surely so do I? Or I can at least refuse to divorce and she can't force me out, no?

Mediation can help sort these things out. Get a seperation agreement drawn up. With my ex-wife I agreed to let her buy me out of my share of the house at a hugely discounted value and with her re-mortgaging to pay for it. That gave me a deposit for my new place. My best advice is do not go into negociations emotionally - do it with a fair business mind. The courts will always look at fairness - they try in general to ensure both parties have the same standard of living post the split. With the children I will pay maintenance until they leave full time education or until they are 19 - whichever is sooner. After that I will drop them money directly when they need it.

 

[Westdene Seagull]

Now don't quote me

Sorry ! Couldn't resist !

 

[Swillis]

Surely so do I? Or I can at least refuse to divorce and she can't force me out, no?

To be honest it was just an inkling, something I think I read.
My situation was slightly different as we were not married, it turned out this meant i didn't even have automatic parental rights for my eldest. But this was a mere formality in front of a judge. Same sort of story though, relationship over blah blah blah. I decided though that why should I lose my kids(figuratively speaking) when it is her whom decided it's over. Long story short after spending almost 40k, which wiped me out at the time I represented myself. Things turned nasty though as soon as I decided I wanted my kids. All sorts of rubbish was spouted but over time all the lies were unraveled and I was awarded residency about seven years ago. After appeals and me even going to the appeal court etc.
But no two cases are the same. I could take you through all the forms and tell you how to fill them out but i could not begin to tell you about equity and maintenance etc and to be honest unless they are legally trained then neither can anybody really. It's all about individual circumstances and an hour of qualified advice can set you in good stead for the future.
Worst case scenario, what happens if your wife alleges domestic violence and the police remove you from the house, which they can do. What then? Now I'm not saying this will happen but you need to cover all the bases as you two being under the same roof surely complicates things.
I could ramble on and on about my experiences, like going in front of a district Judge and ending up in front of one of the top family law judges in the country, even she remarked it's ridiculous how a simple residency case became so protracted and advanced so far through the system.
What i would say is to keep a written record. Dates/times of conversations about the children, especially if you do live in separate houses. Date and details of phonecalls, contact visits (doesn't apply to you but may do) etc etc. Judges love a chronological record and it's so much easier to check back on facts or indeed if something is said against you etc.
I really hope you can get back together with your wife(properly I mean) but deep down you will know if it's truly over. One other thing, I'm not sure how well known you are, if she knows you post on here or people she knows reads these forums. But at the moment you are probably walking on eggshells, if this thread was to become known to her anyhow then that could seriously pish her off.
Get some advice, I'm not saying start issuing applications but as the saying goes...To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

I wish you and your family the very best of luck!!!!

 

[Captain Sensible]

To be honest it was just an inkling, something I think I read.
My situation was slightly different as we were not married, it turned out this meant i didn't even have automatic parental rights for my eldest. But this was a mere formality in front of a judge. Same sort of story though, relationship over blah blah blah. I decided though that why should I lose my kids(figuratively speaking) when it is her whom decided it's over. Long story short after spending almost 40k, which wiped me out at the time I represented myself. Things turned nasty though as soon as I decided I wanted my kids. All sorts of rubbish was spouted but over time all the lies were unraveled and I was awarded residency about seven years ago. After appeals and me even going to the appeal court etc.
But no two cases are the same. I could take you through all the forms and tell you how to fill them out but i could not begin to tell you about equity and maintenance etc and to be honest unless they are legally trained then neither can anybody really. It's all about individual circumstances and an hour of qualified advice can set you in good stead for the future.
Worst case scenario, what happens if your wife alleges domestic violence and the police remove you from the house, which they can do. What then? Now I'm not saying this will happen but you need to cover all the bases as you two being under the same roof surely complicates things.
I could ramble on and on about my experiences, like going in front of a district Judge and ending up in front of one of the top family law judges in the country, even she remarked it's ridiculous how a simple residency case became so protracted and advanced so far through the system.
What i would say is to keep a written record. Dates/times of conversations about the children, especially if you do live in separate houses. Date and details of phonecalls, contact visits (doesn't apply to you but may do) etc etc. Judges love a chronological record and it's so much easier to check back on facts or indeed if something is said against you etc.
I really hope you can get back together with your wife(properly I mean) but deep down you will know if it's truly over. One other thing, I'm not sure how well known you are, if she knows you post on here or people she knows reads these forums. But at the moment you are probably walking on eggshells, if this thread was to become known to her anyhow then that could seriously pish her off.
Get some advice, I'm not saying start issuing applications but as the saying goes...To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

I wish you and your family the very best of luck!!!!

Cheers Westy again more great advice. I don't think I've said anything bad, so if she did find this thread, it's that I am trying to find out what is what and that I desperately want us to be together. As I have said before she has just come to this decision and no second chances at all.....ever! However I do get what you are saying.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, if I know the worst case scenarios and what I am likely to be up against I can at least prepare for something that is coming that I desperately don't want to happen. I would literally do anything to get her back. The whole situation frightens the life out of me and I feel like I don't know What to do from one moment to the next.
If this goes as far as she wants, I will try my very very best for mediation and a settlement agreement. I think as we have two kids we both need to try our best to work together as our lives are always entwined with our children. I want to thank everyone that has contributed to this thread. It has been really helpful. Just hearing other people's situations. I deeply love her and I hope this can all get sorted out. But if not, I've received some good advice and sympathetic ears or should that be eyes? Thanks all.