Kev's Courting Song

[tedebear]

I feel the need for a little reminder of my own countries (dreadful) humour, so I give you some lyrics by Kevin Bloody Wilson for your amusement - I apologise in advance for the foul language and shall remove if its too much - but it amuses me.... and is light hearted relief from the crap on here today as well as passing some time until the footy starts....

Verse 1
Blown too much of me time buying dinner and wine
And me money on flowers and lollies
Only to find that what's on me mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry
So I've made up some lines that save wastin' time
And keep me from blowin' me brass
I'm ever so cool I just prop on the stool
Right next to hers and I ask:


Chorus
'Do you f*** on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Cause you've you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest
So me face'll be leavin' in a quarter of an hour--
I'd like you to be on it'


Verse 2
You know how it feels when you first meet a sheila
And the bullshit you've gotta go through
Like callin' her up and tellin' her you love her
When all that you'd love is just to screw
But she wants to hold hands and you to meet her old man
And sit around for hours and talk
But me new method is, you just cut through the shit
And get down to the goodies straight off:


Chorus
'Do you f*** on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Do you sleep in the nick?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine
We can f*** off then'


Verse 3
So the next time you see a good-lookin' sheila
And you'd give a week's pay just to hold her
Don't sit acting dumb, just front her full-on
And drop a few lines like I told you
This new method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will
I've been spat at and slapped, and kneed in the knackers
But then I've got a few fucks as well


Chorus
'Do you f*** on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
If the answer is 'No'
To me questions above --
Then be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does!'


Apoloiges again, but I've had a crap day so far and need some amusement

 

[The Great Cornholio]

Kev's lament is my favourite - And it was over, before it began.

 

[tedebear]

Yeah he's got some great stuff - unfortunately missed him touring in the UK earlier this year...

 

[Marc]

Wank, Wank, Money in the Bank

Kevin Bloody Wilson rule! did'nt realise until 2 days later but he played in Worthing last year....I was soooooooooo pissed off I missed it

 

[The Great Cornholio]

Actually, your avatar looks like he's acting out Kev's lament!

 

[tedebear]

The christmas song used to have me in stiches....

Hey Santa claus you
Where's me f***ing bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a f***ing letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me f***ing bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!

 

[looney]

KBW Rocks.

The alan Bond and the Abo's song is my favourite, although the song about the Mormons visiting is up there.

"And Sheila here will suck your Sav untill your f***ing head caves in."

 

[tedebear]

Ahhh yes the Alan Bond song - fantastic!! forgot about that one - wasn't it called living next door to alan or something??

 

[looney]

Yea, sometrhing like that.

"Our cars faster than yours cos ours is a red one"

"eeeer this place look all right, lets ring the government and tell em its a sacred site, no f***ing worries."

 

[Simster]

My fave Kevin Bloody Wilson effort:

DICKTAPHONE

Hello operator, I'd like to make a call.
Can I have four double seven three one zero four?
I'm sorry, sir, could you repeat that number once again?
Four double seven three one zero four, did ya get it then?

Could you speak a little slower - four double seven's all I got.
Three one zero four, are you bloody deaf or what?
Look, I got the third bit, I just can't get the last.
Well stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!

Chorus:
Stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
I only want to make a call but you're just bein' smart,
So you can stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


Good morning I'm from Telecom come to disconnect the phone,
For a breach of regulations just a couple of days ago.
You upset our operator with a pretty nasty call.
What are you fuckin' on about - it was all her fuckin' fault.

Well she claims that it was all your fault, she really was stressed.
What about your customers - she upset me first.
We've got her written statement, which shortly will be read.
But it might help if you'd recall exactly what you said.


I said stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
I just tried to make a call but you just acted smart,
So I said stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


Well that's not exactly on sir, no it's just not on at all.
You must use proper ettiquite if you wish to make a call.
And please and thank you also help - you can't talk to her like that.
Please and bloody thank you, well you fuckin' tell her that!

And she knows without a telephone I'm really in the shit.
Well perhaps if you'd apologise that just might help a bit.
Apologise - apologise - apologose to who?
Just go in and ask for Operator 42.

Good morning are you waiting is there something I can do?
Yes I'd like to speak to Operator 42.
Sorry, sir, I missed that, could you repeat what you just said?
OH SHIT I DON'T BELIEVE IT HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!

Operator 42 - look I'll just write it down!
Ooh, Operator 42 - I'll see if she's around.
Jeez, they're bloody useless, I'm sure that they're all deaf,
No wonder that I did me quince, no wonder that I said:

<CHORUS>

Now they'll make me sit around and wait all bloody day,
Just so they can make me sweat and have the final say.
That's like the public service - they make you scrape & bow,
Oh, shit she's fuckin' ugly if that's her coming now!

I'm Operator 42 - I'm busy, make it fast.
Did a bloke tell you to stick that fuckin' phone right up your arse?
Yes he did, the filthy animal, I remember now.
Well you'd better fuckin' brace yourself cause they're bringin' it around!

<CHORUS>

<CHORUS>

 

[tedebear]

strewth mate - yep remember that one to, thats a corker