joke du jour

[Fourteenth Eye]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and Most
of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight
Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on
his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can Just
get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on hisface.

"b'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the
door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can Make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.

Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

[mcshane in the 79th]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and Most
of the night celebrating St Patrick\'s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, \" You\'ll not be drinking anymore
tonight
Paddy. Paddy replies, \"OK Mick, I\'ll be on my way then.\"

spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on
his face.\"Shoite\" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, \"Shoite, Shoite!\"


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can Just
get to the door and some fresh air he\'ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on hisface.

\"b\'Jesus... I\'m fockin\' focked,\" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the
door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says \"No fockin\' way\".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says \"I can Make it to the bed.\"

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says \"Fock it\" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of
coffee and says, \"Get up Paddy.

Did you have a bit to drink last night?\".

Paddy says, \"I did Jess. I was fockin\' pissed. But how\'d you know?\"

\"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.\"

An oldie but still funny

 

[Hampden Park]

 

[Fourteenth Eye]

yes i know its old

 

[dougdeep]

 

[Moshe Gariani]

not heard it before... good one

the following arrived in my e-mail this morning and is for work avoiders only (and no offence intended to any of the Daft Bints...):

Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

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SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


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FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*!´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

[mcshane in the 79th]

You can\'t get much worse than that