Joke Du Jour

[Dorset Seagull]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a nightclub.

The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

 

[Box of Frogs]

I like that!

 

[rocker959]

Tenerife ? Won't be heading there this year !

 

[rocker959]

Two naked lesbians just broke into my house and started raping my missus, I tried my best, but all I could do was knock one out !

 

[rocker959]

The wife keeps breaking our washing machine so I've had to get rid of her as Washing machines live longer with Cow gone !!

 

[pasty]

Just got my Olympic ticket application back. I missed out on the 100 metres final, but got 25,000 tickets for West Ham v Doncaster.

 

[rocker959]

Just got home from the world blindfolded wanking championship - not sure where I came

 

[gruntage]

Heard that the other week. Decent joke!

 

[rocker959]

Just got my Olympic ticket application back. I missed out on the 100 metres final, but got 25,000 tickets for West Ham v Doncaster.

love it

 

[Acker79]

Speaking of jokes, maybe it was pointed out on here recently, but I until recently, I never realised the "why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side" had the double meaning of the chicken getting run over and killed and crossing over to the other side (i.e. heaven or whatever). I feel like such a fool for not having realised that.

 

[Hillian1]

Speaking of jokes, maybe it was pointed out on here recently, but I until recently, I never realised the "why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side" had the double meaning of the chicken getting run over and killed and crossing over to the other side (i.e. heaven or whatever). I feel like such a fool for not having realised that.

That makes two of us then.

makes no bloody sense at all though.

 

[Dorset Seagull]

A priest and a Hindu are making toast. The priest exclaims "look there is an image of Jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu replies " I can't believe its not Budda!"

 

[Jesus Gul]

A priest and a Hindu are making toast. The priest exclaims "look there is an image of Jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu replies " I can't believe its not Budda!"

brilliant

 

[Norman Potting]

A thread of quality bad jokes if I may be allowed to mix my metaphors.

 

[Market Porter]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

 

[Jack Straw]

The bloke in front of me on the bus yesterday reading a newspaper, turned round and said to me "Do you think we should go in to Libya?"
I said "You can, but I'm getting off at Castle Square".

 

[chucky1973]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said “I would like to come back as a cow.”
I said “You’re obviously not f--k--g listening.”

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you.
She said is that you or the beer talking ?
I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

[seagullsdaz]

I can't believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.
I mean, for f*** sake they visit her nearly every day and haven't dropped in to see me once,

and my prison is on the way to her cemetery

 

[Seagull27]

An Italian man, A Frenchman and an Enlgishman are in a pub, bragging about their sex lives.
The Italian man says "After I've had sex with my wife, I kiss her feet and all up her legs. She rises off the bed a full 2 inches in pure ecstasy!"
"Ah, zat is nuzzing," replies the Frenchman "After sex wiz my wife, I kiss her stomach, her breasts and right up to her neck. She rises off ze bed 6 inches in pure ecstasy!"
The Englishman laughs, saying "You guys are amateurs. After I've been doing the wife, I wipe my knob on the curtains. She hits the f***ing roof!"

 

[Lady Whistledown]

A priest and a Hindu are making toast. The priest exclaims "look there is an image of Jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu replies " I can't believe its not Budda!"

*Pedant alert* Shouldn't it be a Buddhist, not a Hindu?