Joke de Jour - enjoy!

[Norman Potting]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.. How may we help
you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[Norman Potting]

And some more one liners - clean enough for you Chapel going maiden aunt.

Hey guys- I Need your advice! Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer?

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Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a friday this year".

Mick says "let's hope it's not the 13th".


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A mate just called me in tears, his wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!
Poor fella, no woman no sky.


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Apparently they've just started screening the Flintstones in the Middle East. Mixed reaction so far-people in Dubai didn't like it... But those in Abu Dabi do.


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Just bought 12 bottles of Tippex.
Huge mistake!

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I'm just getting into snail racing. I bought a special racing snail but it wasn't fast enough, so I removed it's shell to save weight.
If anything it just made it more sluggish.


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Bumped into the inventor of OXO cubes today. He's quite stocky.

 

[Lord Bamber]

Good sunday fun, chuckle chuckle!

 

[Simon Morgan]

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

I went to the doctor today.

He said 'Hello Peanut, I haven't seen you for a long time.

I replied 'Yeah I know. I've been ill'

 

[Peppermint Tea]

How do you get a fat bird in to bed?
Piece of cake

I thank you...enjoy the fish

 

[Skint Gull]

Worst thread ever

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

Worst thread ever

Why post then?

This'll make you chuckle....

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'So can you drive this , or what'?

 

[Skint Gull]

Better but still painfully poor! I commented because someone needed to state that Shirley there's never been such a bad page of gags anywhere on the web!

 

[brakespear]

Just bought 12 bottles of Tippex.
Huge mistake!

 

[Blackadder]

Better but still painfully poor! I commented because someone needed to state that Shirley there's never been such a bad page of gags anywhere on the web!

If you search back you will find worse pages of gags on NSC, never mind the web!

(I remember there were some, just cant be arsed to look).

 

[Freddie Goodwin.]

The Tippex one cracked me up too!

 

[seagullsdaz]

The dog ran off last night, I walked around the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.

I still can't find the dog.

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Super Mario wants his girlfriend to move in with him

He says he wants to take things to the next level

 

[Kumquat]

Man goes into a public toilet and is having a piss when another man with no arms walks in. He goes up to the urinal and says to the fella, "Do you mind unzipping my trousres for me?". The first man is a bit hesitant but seeing he has no arms he thinks he'd better. He unzips the trousers and the second man says "sorry, but do you mind fishing the old fella out for me and holding it while I piss?". Again the first man is a bit hesitant, but eventually gets it out. He is horrified by what he sees. The second man's dick is covered in warts and spots and dripping with pus. He looks away while the second man takes a piss. When he's finished the man asks him if he can put his dick away for him and zip it up. Once he's done this, overcome with curiosity he asks "what the f*** is wrong with your cock mate?". The man suddenly pulls his two arms out from under his coat and replies "No idea, but I'm not f***ing touching it!"

 

[Nathan]

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Norman Potting]

The dog ran off last night, I walked around the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.

I still can't find the dog.

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Super Mario wants his girlfriend to move in with him

He says he wants to take things to the next level

 

[Iamapen15]

The police came to the door last night holding a picture of my wife and said "is this your wife sir?" shocked I answered "yes". They said "I'm afraid she looks like she's been in a car wreck". I said "I known, but she's got a great personality"