I had my first ever sexual experience last night

[Commander]

I doubt anyone could have thought that US, the bearded veteran of children's movies, could have made love with a sex-wary, mature hole-hornet last night.

If the headline were about some elephantine nut-shuffler working at a bowling alley in Elephant & Castle cleaning dishes and waving happy family's scores at them from her giant ears and honks from her snout, wishing she knew where her passport was so she could return via hovercraft, mountain tussle and lead-stemmed motorbike to the flattened lands of ancient roam and her gang (The Four Trunketeers), then i'd have been tricked and lured and willing to wager at your request.

My God, MB, where on earth does it come from?

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

My God, MB, where on earth does it come from?

Quite. Makes Russell Brand sound like yer average Premiership footballer dullard. ASTOUNDING phraseology

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Very clever someone changed my best ever sexual experience to my first ever sexual experience , Bravo

 

[Les Biehn]

My God, MB, where on earth does it come from?

It really is a talent isn't it.

 

[Les Biehn]

Very clever someone changed my best ever sexual experience to my first ever sexual experience , Bravo

At least it is factually acurate now.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

I'm getting it quite a lot at the moment actually Les

 

[Man of Harveys]

Very clever someone changed my best ever sexual experience to my first ever sexual experience , Bravo

Funniest day on NSC in YEARS

 

[Les Biehn]

I'm getting it quite a lot at the moment actually Les

Its not like sheep can verbally express their disinterest though is it.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Very clever someone changed my best ever sexual experience to my first ever sexual experience , Bravo

Advice to any adolescents reading this thread ...

You'll almost certainly find that your first ever sexual experience will turn out to be your best ever sexual experience.

Don't waste it.

You have not been charged for this information.

 

[Les Biehn]

Everytime I see that thread title.

Absolute gold

 

[Commander]

Very clever someone changed my best ever sexual experience to my first ever sexual experience , Bravo

I saw that and assumed I'd read it wrong the first time

 

[Diatribe]

Desert Orchid had a magnificent member Colin.

Do you have it on your mantelpiece?

 

[Meade's Ball]

It really is a talent isn't it.

You know, my actual talent, i have sadly re-discovered in the past two weeks, is to impersonate Sean Connery's toad-throated sex-'yeshes'. As if his body were trimmed all over by some wench's sharpened, amorous teeth, starting at the palms of his feet. And once in a while i am able to throw the magical guttersnipery of Paul Daniels' oooooooooooohs into the pointless, ill-considered repertoire as Sean finishes business, and sweeps the floor with a well-used, tea-kettle-covered golfclub he holds firmly in his defensive squeeze.
I actually spend time doing these things at work and they are a sign i return to 'normal'. I always dreamt and told others to dream that one day i might be a writer and a miserable, wrinkle-skinned tycoon with a long list of recently-deceased wives might read something i wrote and not feel sickened. Unfortunately, i fear my impersonations of Gary Barlow and Bruce Lee might be more of what i could remembered for.
What a sad conclusion.
Although, sadder still for me is that i have a minimum of 3 more months of not working how i mean to and being able to complete crosswords.
Ah well.

 

[Titanic]

Wasn't that his THIRTEENTH in a row?

Yes, yes it was. 13 in a row - how unlucky can you get ?

 

[Dave the OAP]

Advice to any adolescents reading this thread ...

You'll almost certainly find that your first ever sexual experience will turn out to be your best ever sexual experience.

Don't waste it.

You have not been charged for this information.

blimey I cant remember that far...I commend you on your memory

 

[1066gull]

I fell for it.

Because I didn't read the thread starter

 

[Frutos]

I fell for it.

Because I didn't read the thread starter

You're just jealous that at least US has had one (even if it was with a horse), and you haven't

 

[Titanic]

Despite picking a 4-1 favourite US maintained his perfect record.

This favourite, cursed by the bookies chump, trailed home a full 17 lengths behind the winners... in 10th place of 11.

Quite an achievement US ! I think you have surpassed yourself with this one.

13 in a row

 

[1066gull]

You're just jealous that at least US has had one (even if it was with a horse), and you haven't

I'm sorry okay. There's nothing more I can do other than mean and admit where I went wrong. The amount of times I've said it without a reply.

 

[Les Biehn]

I'm sorry okay. There's nothing more I can do other than mean and admit where I went wrong. The amount of times I've said it without a reply.

Sorry, what? Have you been sniffing glue?