How Do You Mend A Broken Heart ?

[life on mars 73]

One of the things I really like about NSC is the way that people discuss all sorts of non-football matters in a really supportive way, so I'm wondering who out there can give me a bit of advice.

Briefly, my story : was married for over 20 years, until I discovered that my wife had been carrying on a very tacky affair with a guy I knew well. Was shocked and dismayed, and decided to divorce her, as the thing was dead in the water.

On the rebound, I met up, Friends Reunited style, with my first love, to see what could be rekindled. At first things were great, but I quickly came to see that she had a host of problems - serious alcohol issues, violent temper, ghastly history, dysfunctional children, the list goes on.

But despite the many horrible scenes she caused, I still loved her, and tried to keep it going. But I was basically in denial about what a car-crash she was.

Slowly, I had to edge away, which was difficult, but I was increasingly worried about her unpredictable moodswings, the boozing, the paranoia, the intimidation. Still loved her though.

Eventually, after a couple of years, we still spoke sometimes, occasionally met up, but these meeting usually ended up badly. But I still wanted her and missed her, despite all the crap. Still loved her, although I shouldn't have.


Just recently, she wrote to me triumphantly, telling me that she never wants to hear from me again, as she's met the love of her life, and is soon to be married.

Now, logically, this shouldn't matter, but it does and it's hurting like hell, leaving me really sad and despondent.

Can't seem to get out of this, and it's blighting my life right now, filling me with self-doubt and negativity, and thus making it harder for me to go out and meet new people in a positive way.

Any advice ?

 

[Wilko]

Fill your life with enjoying activities and good company. The times you will feel low is when you are bored and doing nothing. New interests, courses, new friends, exercise etc.

 

[sir albion]

This is all messing with your head,sounds to me that you need a break from woman to find yourself.It also seems to me that you're insecure as a person in which doesn't help.All these mind games and ups and downs are not helping im afraid so take a break and have some fun.

P.s you will not be charged for this advice

 

[wehatepalace]

Remember the good times and wank yourself silly over the memories ! There's nothing better than having one off the wrist over an ex girlfriend !

 

[kevtherev]

Realise there are a lot of people in the world worse off than you. Your not dead, you still have family I pressume. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out and get a life and stop spilling your guts out on an internet forum to a bunch of strangers....I've been through worse than you and believe me life goes on, but i'm f***ed if I will spill my guts to all and sundry on here......oh and one last thing, the harder you look for someone else, the less likely you are to find someone and if you do find someone in you current state of mind, it will turn out to be another disaster. You need a year on your own, to rebuild your own self worth.

 

[bhawoddy]

One of the things I really like about NSC is the way that people discuss all sorts of non-football matters in a really supportive way, so I'm wondering who out there can give me a bit of advice.

Briefly, my story : was married for over 20 years, until I discovered that my wife had been carrying on a very tacky affair with a guy I knew well. Was shocked and dismayed, and decided to divorce her, as the thing was dead in the water.

On the rebound, I met up, Friends Reunited style, with my first love, to see what could be rekindled. At first things were great, but I quickly came to see that she had a host of problems - serious alcohol issues, violent temper, ghastly history, dysfunctional children, the list goes on.

But despite the many horrible scenes she caused, I still loved her, and tried to keep it going. But I was basically in denial about what a car-crash she was.

Slowly, I had to edge away, which was difficult, but I was increasingly worried about her unpredictable moodswings, the boozing, the paranoia, the intimidation. Still loved her though.

Eventually, after a couple of years, we still spoke sometimes, occasionally met up, but these meeting usually ended up badly. But I still wanted her and missed her, despite all the crap. Still loved her, although I shouldn't have.


Just recently, she wrote to me triumphantly, telling me that she never wants to hear from me again, as she's met the love of her life, and is soon to be married.

Now, logically, this shouldn't matter, but it does and it's hurting like hell, leaving me really sad and despondent.

Can't seem to get out of this, and it's blighting my life right now, filling me with self-doubt and negativity, and thus making it harder for me to go out and meet new people in a positive way.

Any advice ?

Perhaps this has more to do with her rejecting you rather than you missing her. Its never nice when you hear that someone doesnt want you but it sounds like its a blessing in all honesty.
Is it that your feeling hurt because of rejection? had you ended it would you be feeling better about it?

Shes gone down a road you definitely dont want to go down.

 

[Wilko]

Perhaps this has more to do with her rejecting you rather than you missing her. Its never nice when you hear that someone doesnt want you but it sounds like its a blessing in all honesty.
Is it that your feeling hurt because of rejection? had you ended it would you be feeling better about it?

Shes gone down a road you definitely dont want to go down.

This is a good point. Many suffer with rejection of a person rather than missing the person themselves.

 

[sir albion]

Yeah just man up
Most people have had far worse and most people have had hearts broken,it's just a case of having fun and going with the flow

 

[Titus]

Beer is always the answer.

 

[HantsSeagull]

things could be worse - you could support a football team that just got spanked 6-0!

seriously though, it is human nature to only remember the good times when you break up with someone and not the bloody awful times.

it sounds like you made the right decision when you broke up with her - the whole point of her triumphant letter is to try and make you feel like this. Be happy for her and get out there. these feelings are just temporary.

 

[Brovion]

If she's such a car crash then you can expect to get another letter in a few years time saying that she made a huge mistake and that you are the only man for her and that she realises that now. Now when that happens, what position do you want to be in? Do you want to be able to write back and say "Well it's tough, I'm over you now!", or do you want to say "Oh darling yes I've waited so long to hear those words!" Hopefully your answer will be a), otherwise you will simply end up going through the same old shit. However to get to that stage you've got to realise that she's bad for you and you can do better. I obviously don't know the whole story, but it does sound like she knows she's got a hold over you, that she can 'disempower' you as the feminists say, and that she revels in exercising this power.

There's no short cut, no easy solution, you're just going to have to take one day at a time and it WILL get better and you'll be stronger for it. DON'T force it though. Don't go out looking for love or fall hopelessly in love with the first bird you meet because it won't work and you'll end up being even more depressed if that relationship fails. To an extent I suspect that's what happened a bit with this girl as you basically just grabbed the first woman who came along after your marriage ended and put all your eggs in that basket.

Oh, and don't play the songs or go to places that remind you of her, it'll only make it worse.

 

[tedebear]

Maybe if you get to the root of why you love/loved her you'd probably think about the fact that what people love about our "first loves" are the romantic, wonderful, carefree and fantastic feelings they give us. I guess you had that with her each time you re-hooked up which is why you loved it? The fact that you then proved it wouldn't last (you said she was a car crash waiting to happen) but now that she's rejected you (instead of you being able to reject her) is where you are stuck. If you had "gotten in first" with a letter that said I've moved on - you would feel infinitely better I'd think? But she got to you first. She's just twisting the screws in a cruel way. Even though she said she doesn't want to hear from you - I'd write back and tell her you're pleased for her and goodbye.

I'm guessing that you want that idealistic first love back again....you can find it again - but not with her, that type of love isn't nice or good.....Learn from what she's taken you through, people like that aren't the norm.

 

[Janbha]

A question asked by billions , that only you can find the answer , in times of need i just ask Al .


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[cheshunt seagull]

Don't look for another relationship right now. You need to spend time with friends that make you feel good about yourself and not people that re-enforce your insecurity. How we enter into and persevere with relationships which inside we know are abusive and damaging is one of life's mysteries but many of us do it (I have) so don't beat yourself up too much, in time you will realise that you are well out of it.

 

[Mr Smggles]

I'm currently going through a heart break also. The best advice I can give you is, whenever you start to feel down, do some exercise. Keep some dumbbells close and do a few sets of those or just go for a run. The endorphins released will overshadow any bad feelings or heavy heart. It clears your head and allows you to analyse a situation very well, and you get fitter.

Time will heal the wound, trust me.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

Don't look for another relationship right now. You need to spend time with friends that make you feel good about yourself and not people that re-enforce your insecurity. How we enter into and persevere with relationships which inside we know are abusive and damaging is one of life's mysteries but many of us do it (I have) so don't beat yourself up too much, in time you will realise that you are well out of it.

If she's such a car crash then you can expect to get another letter in a few years time saying that she made a huge mistake and that you are the only man for her and that she realises that now. Now when that happens, what position do you want to be in? Do you want to be able to write back and say "Well it's tough, I'm over you now!", or do you want to say "Oh darling yes I've waited so long to hear those words!" Hopefully your answer will be a), otherwise you will simply end up going through the same old shit. However to get to that stage you've got to realise that she's bad for you and you can do better. I obviously don't know the whole story, but it does sound like she knows she's got a hold over you, that she can 'disempower' you as the feminists say, and that she revels in exercising this power.

There's no short cut, no easy solution, you're just going to have to take one day at a time and it WILL get better and you'll be stronger for it. DON'T force it though. Don't go out looking for love or fall hopelessly in love with the first bird you meet because it won't work and you'll end up being even more depressed if that relationship fails. To an extent I suspect that's what happened a bit with this girl as you basically just grabbed the first woman who came along after your marriage ended and put all your eggs in that basket.

Oh, and don't play the songs or go to places that remind you of her, it'll only make it worse.

Wise wise words and I couldn't have put it any better myself. I've been there and come through it. Both posts are excellent advice.

 

[piersa]

Firstly, ignore the people who say they have been through worse, they are bitter about their lives and have no perspective. You feel like you are going through the worst thing in your life and it will take time to get over it. Most adults have been throught this type of thing and the best advice I can give you is:

Exercise, do not drink alcohol, surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in work or hobby.

Good luck.

 

[kevtherev]

Firstly, ignore the people who say they have been through worse, they are bitter about their lives and have no perspective. You feel like you are going through the worst thing in your life and it will take time to get over it. Most adults have been throught this type of thing and the best advice I can give you is:

Exercise, do not drink alcohol, surround yourself with friends and immerse yourself in work or hobby.

Good luck.

What if all your mates are piss heads, you work in a pub and your hobby is going to football and going on the piss?....Basicly, your f***ed lol...

 

[Lush]

Just recently, she wrote to me triumphantly, telling me that she never wants to hear from me again, as she's met the love of her life, and is soon to be married.

Why would someone do this? Because they can feel better about themselves by making someone else (ie you) feel worse. If she was truly happy in her new relationship, she wouldn't feel the need to do this to you, which also suggests that the garden isn't as rosy as she's trying to make out.

Mate - I would thank your lucky stars you're out of such an abusive relationship. This doesn't sound like someone who is your friend in any way shape or form. She wants to make you feel like a victim to make herself feel better (like kicking a dog). Don't let yourself be that victim. Move on.

 

[Spicy]

Looking at her realistically - she has persuaded someone to take her on when you know yourself she is a car crash waiting to happen with all the problems she has. I wonder if this is more about envy about her situation, having met someone she says she loves, rather than that you still love her? You are better off without her so move on and find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated rather than being abusive and spiteful.