[Humour] Doctor, Doctor Jokes

[el punal]

After a frustrating week being an Albion I thought I’d lighten the mood with some “humour”.

A man goes to the doctor with a problem.
Man : Doctor, I think I’ve got a golf ball stuck up my bottom.
Doctor : Drop your trousers and pants, bend over and I’ll have a look . . . mmm, yes, it seems to have gone up a fairway.

Same man, same doctor!
Man : Doctor, I think I’ve got a lettuce stuck up my bottom.
Doctor : Drop your trousers and pants, bend over and I’ll have a look . . . mmm, yes, I can see the tip of an Iceberg.

Another man, another doctor.
Man : Doctor, my penis is shaped like a rocket.
Doctor : Really! How extraordinary. Well, get it out and let me examine it . . . . goodness me, it certainly is shaped like a rocket. Tell me, what does your wife make of it?
Man : Oh, she’s over the moon!

Right, I’ll get my coat, I think the pub’s open.

P.S. Feel free to continue with your own contributions!

 

[Is it PotG?]

Doctor, doctor what do you mean I only have 10 more to live, 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

....

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Doctor doctor, why do people keep ignoring me?

 

[AmexRuislip]

A bloke went to the doctors complaining of hearing strange voices coming from his pants. The doc said 'ignore them, they're talking bollocks'.



When the doctors go on strike, I hope they don't waste their time making signs and placards as the only people who'll be able to read them are pharmacists



I went for my first prostate examination today.

The doc gave me the

 

[Dick Swiveller]

From Peter Kay/Dave Spikey

Doctor - I have a steering wheel in my pants.

Is it painful?

It's driving me nuts.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Man: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog
Doctor: OK, let's take a look at you, get up on the couch
Man: I'm not allowed on the couch

 

[Icy Gull]

Doctor Doctor How do I stop my nose from running?

Stick your foot out and trip it up

 

[Durlston]

A doctor walked into a bank to sign a cheque. Searching inside his pocket, he pulled out a rectal thermometer. "B○llocks" said the doctor. "Some ars€hole's got my pen!"

 

[el punal]

An old dear goes to the doctor’s.

“ Ooh! Doctor.” she says “ I’ve got terrible wind but the funny thing is it doesn’t smell and it doesn’t make any noise. In fact I’ve already gone ten times since being here.”

“ Right then,” says the doctor “ I’ll prescribe you some pills. Come back in two weeks time and let me know how you get on.”

After two weeks she returns to see the doctor.

“ So how have you got on?” inquires the doctor.

“ Well,” says the old dear, “ I’ve still got wind, it doesn’t make any noise but now it smells something awful.”

“ I see.” says the doc, “ well the pills have sorted out your nasal passage, now let’s do something about you hearing.”

 

[studio150]

Tommy Cooper classics

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?
So he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.
'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'
The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.
'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

 

[Durlston]

A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The girl started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a wasp inside me!"
The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation. After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to be reached. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young sir would permit."
The boyfriend agreed that he willing to do whatever it took to get the wasp out. The doctor said, "Okay, what I suggest you do is rub some jam over the top of your penis and insert it into your young lady. When you feel the wasp getting closer to the tip, withdraw it and the wasp should hopefully follow it out."
The boyfriend agreed, but was so upset and nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you object, I could give it a try," suggested the doctor.
The boyfriend nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, please just get on with it!"
The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in jam and mounted the woman. Her boyfriend watched with alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out.
The boyfriend, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted: "Now, wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Change of plan," gasped the doctor. "The wasp is in too deep. I'm going to try to drown the little f*cker."

 

[sams dad]

Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a dry crumbly biscuit.
Doctor : You’re crackers!
Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a pair of curtains.
Doctor : Pull yourself together, man!

 

[Tom Bombadil]

Doctor Doctor I can't stop singing the green green grass of home
Sounds like Tom Jones syndrome
Is it common?
Well, It's not unusual.....

 

[darters74]

Doctor doctor, one minute I think I’m a wigwam and the next I think I’m a teepee.
I know what your problem is sir, you’re too tense.

 

[Reagulls]

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth,
Ok, why did you come here for help?
Well I saw your light on and.....

Doctor doctor, I've got custard in one ear and blamanche in the other...
Oh dear, I'm afraid you're a trifle deaf.

 

[Jack Straw]

A Paramedic was quickly on the scene after a nasty car crash on a busy Essex Road. As he approached a young lady who was trapped in the car, she shouted,
"I think I'm losing a lot of blood."
The Paramedic said, "Where are you bleeding from?"
She said, f*****g Billericay."

 

[Biscuit Barrel]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure, I think she choked.'

 

[Baldseagull]

Man: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog
Doctor: OK, let's take a look at you, get up on the couch
Man: I'm not allowed on the couch

Doctor: How long have you felt this way?
Man: Ever since I was a Puppy.

 

[AmexRuislip]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"