Dads - how abusive was your mrs in labour?

[London Irish]

whole birthing experience.

I do envy people who can use that phraseology! Just hour upon hour of total hell on earth for us All she kept saying throughout the entire time was "give me the f***ing epidural" - the midwives at the RSCH are not keen on non-natural (and probably rightly so, although easy for me to say) so they had to keep making up stories about the anesthetist being busy with a car accident! The whole of Brighton must have been an accident blackspot that evening the amount of times they fed us that line

 

[Basil Fawlty]

I think this thread needs the Only Fools & Horses script.

INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Del is seated at the table. He has one of the wigs on a
large china dog and is brushing it. Raquel is stretched
out on the settee watching TV. Albert is in an armchair,
also watching TV. We now see Raquel hold her stomach as
she feels a twinge. She checks her watch as if timing
the contractions. We cut away to Del. As he brings the
brush away from the wig we see a handful of hair tuck
in the brush.

Del
I don't believe it! Me wig's
going bald! This is gonna
call for a bit of creative
salesmanship. I'll have to
say it's the Bruce Willis
look.

Albert
During the war...

Raquel gives out another and stronger twinge.

Raquel
Del, I think we better go.

Del
Yeah, so do I. Goodnight,
Unc.

Raquel
Not to bed! To the hospital.
It's started.

Del
(Calmly)
Are you sure?

Raquel
Yes, I've been timing the
contractions. We'd better
go.

Albert
(Horrified)
The baby's on its way?
(Starting to
panic)
Well, do something, Del!
Don't just sit there!

Del
Oi, calm down!

Albert
What are we gonna do? Phone
someone! There's a bay on
its way!

Del
(Grabs hold of
him)
Listen to me! In my bedroom
there's a leather-look
flight bag containing
Raquel's hospital things.
Go and get it and take it
downstairs to my Capri
Ghia.

Albert
Righto, Del. I'll go and
get it. What's it look
like?

Del
It looks a bit like a
fridge! It's a bag, innit,
you old div!

Albert
Aye, aye, Del. Leave it to
me.

Albert exits to the bedroom.

Del
(To Raquel)
Nice and calm, that's what
they showed us in the
hospital. Albert, hurry up!

Del picks up the phone.

INTER CUT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.

Cassandra
What d'you want, Del? It's
11.30!

Del
I'm sorry to wake you,
sweetheart, but I'm trying
to find Rodney.

Cassandra
He was here earlier, but he
left about an hour ago.
What's wrong?

Del
Raquel's about to give
birth to our baby.

Cassandra
Have the labour pains
started?

Rodney appears and signals emphatically 'I am not here'.

Del
Yes.

Cassandra
You'll phone me as soon as
the baby's born, won't you?

Del
Yes, 'course I will, sweet-
heart. I wanted Rodney to
be there. Listen, I'll give
you a bell as soon as I've
got some news. Bonjour.
(To Raquel)
Here you are sweetheart,
take your coat.

Cassandra
Give Raquel my love and
tell her I'll be in to see
her.

Del
Yes, I will. And you give
Rodney a nudge and tell
him to get his arse down
the hospital.

Cassandra
Alright, Del.

She switches the phone off.

Cassandra
Del wants you with him!

Rodney
That's ridiculous! I've
never heard of the uncle
being at the birth before!

Cassandra
He doesn't want you in the
delivery room! Just at the
hospital with him!

Rodney
You don't know him like I
do! He'll have me holding
her leg up in the air or
something.

Cassandra
I'll get your clothes.

She climbs out of bed.

Rodney
Oh Cass! I'm comfy here!

Cassandra
Here's your trousers.

Rodney
(Looking through
window)
Oh God, it's a full moon!
Son of Del is being born
on a full moon! I knew it!
I bloody knew it! A couple
of hours from now you
won't be able to sleep for
the sound of howling.

Cassandra
Oh don't be so silly!
Where are the keys to the
van?

Rodney
Where's me crucifix?
That's what I want to know.

Rodney turns the lamp on.

Cassandra feels in Rodney's jacket pockets for the keys
and discovers the ponytail.

Cassandra
Oh look, Roddy, it's that
'rat' you killed earlier!
Doesn't it look like a clip
on ponytail when you get
close up?

Rodney
Ah no, listen, I never said
it was a rat!

Cassandra
You liar!

Rodney
I said it looked like a
rat! And it did, didn't it?
I mean, you thought it was
a mouse!

Cassandra
Where'd you get it from?

Rodney
I was gonna wear it as a
joke. It must have fallen
out of me pocket.

Cassandra
I could report you to the
police. You took advantage
of me - twice!

Rodney
I know, if the case goes to
court, would you say three
times?

Cassandra picks up something to hit him with.

Cassandra
You're lucky you're on your
way to hospital - it'll
save the ambulance a
journey.

Rodney
Now, come on, Cass, pack it
in. I've got a brother
about to give birth!

HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in labour. Del is bending over her.

Del
Alright, sweetheart, the
nurse has gone to get the
delivery team. You've had
your enema. Everything's
going according to plan.

Raquel
You're gonna stay here,
aren't you, Del? Don't go
running off and leave me.

Del
I'm not going anywhere,
sweetheart. I'm staying
here with you.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney and Albert are sitting in the corridor outside
the delivery room. A group of hospital staff enter the
corridor.

Albert
Are these the specialists?

Rodney
No, they've just come back
from a fancy-dress party.
Of course they're the
specialists.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
Are you alright?

Raquel
Yes.

Del
Good.

There is a knock at the door.

Del
Who is it - friend or
enema?
(Trying to make
Raquel laugh)
Friend or enema?

Raquel
Shut up, Del.

Del
Yeah, shut up, Del. It's
alright, darling. I'll see
who it is. You stay there,
alright?

Del opens the door to Albert.

Albert
The specialists are on the
way, Del Boy.

Del
Thanks, Unc. You go and
sit down, go on.

A sister and nurse enter, followed by a male midwife.

Del
(Cont'd)
Excuse me, excuse me, John.
We're having a baby in
here.

Midwife
I know, that's why I'm
here.

Del
What are you, a pervert or
something?

Sister
That's Mr McCullum. He's
the midwife.

Del
He's a bloke.

Midwife
I'm a trained midwife. Now,
please get out of my way.

Raquel
Just let him do his job,
Del.

Del
No, he's a bloke.

Raquel
I don't care if he's a
trained chimp! Get out of
his way.

Del
Alright, alright, but you
just watch it, OK?
(To Raquel)
Calm down, calm down.
Remember your blood pressure.

Midwife
How are you feeling, Raquel?

Raquel
Not too bad at the moment.

Midwife
Have you timed the contrac-
tions?

Sister
Three minutes.

Del
Is that good?

Midwife
Yes, that's good.

Del
Cushty.

Midwife
Would you set the monitor
up?

Sister
Nurse, the gas and air.

Del
(Indicating foetal
heart monitor)
What's that thing for?

Sister
It monitors the baby's
heartbeat.

Del
Oh, Lovely Jubbly.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney
It's going to be a boy. I
know it is.

Albert
Can't be sure of anything,
son.

Rodney
No, it's a boy. Mars and
something else have come
into conjunction and decided
he would be born in Peckham.

Del enters the corridor from the delivery room.

Del
They've got the baby's
heartbeat. Half an hour's
time we'll have the
bestest knees up our
family's ever known.

Albert
Is everything alright, Del?

Del
Everything's absolutely
fine. The baby's fine.
Raquel's fine. In 48 hours'
time we'll be going back to
the flat with another
addition to the Trotter
family.

Rodney
Oi, Del. Have they said
anything about the sex?

Del
Oh give her time, Rodney.

Rodney
No, I mean...

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is now in advanced labour and in considerable
pain.

Raquel
How much longer is he
going to take?

Del
It's alright, sweetheart,
alright. He'll take as
long as he needs to take.
He wants to make sure he
gets everything just right,
'cos he's a perfectionist,
like his dad.

Raquel
I'm talking about the mid-
wife.

Del
Oh I see. Oi, you, pal,
how much longer is this
gonna take?

Midwife
Nature will run its course,
Mr Trotter. When the baby's
ready to put in an
appearance, he'll let us
now.

Raquel screams.

Del
Go on, give it everything
you got, girl.

Raquel
Don't you ever come near me
again, Trotter.

Del
There's no need to be like
that, sweetheart.
(To the sister)
I suppose they're all like
this, are they?

Sister
No.

Del
I'll get the gas and air.

The midwife bends down over Raquel and loses his wig.

Del looks down and sees the wig. He thinks it's the baby
coming.

Del
(Cont'd)
Raquel, Raquel, I can see
his head. He's got a full
head of hair.

The midwife reacts and grabs his wig. He attempts to
replace it.

Midwife
Some bloody spiv.

The midwife is embarrassed, he removes the wig.

Midwife
(Cont'd)
I'll scrub up.

The clock is showing 3.40am.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR

Albert sits in the corridor while Rodney is pacing up
and down. They react as they hear Raquel scream.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in the late stages of labour. Del is holding
her leg.

Del
Come on, girl, give it
some welly.

Sister
Shouldn't be too long,
Raquel. The contractions
are becoming more frequent.

Raquel
I know... I'm the one
having the contractions.
Would you let go of my leg,
Del?!

Del
Alright, sweetheart. Would
you like some gas and air?

Raquel
No thank you.

Del
OK.

Del takes a breathe of the gas and air.

Del
(Cont'd)
It's good stuff, this.
Better not tell Rodney
about it.

Raquel
Oh no, here's another one.

Midwife
Push hard, there's a good
girl.

Raquel
Del, can I hold your hand?

Del
Yes, yes, of course you
can, sweetheart, go on.

Sister
Push.

Del
OK, Raquel, steady on.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen worriedly to Raquel's screams
and react surprised as they hear Del cry out.

DELIVERY ROOM.

As Raquel continues to scream, she violently squeezes
Del's hand.

Del
Aaaaaargh!

The pain subsides and she releases his hand.

Raquel
Oh, did that hurt, Del?

Del
Yes, it did a bit, sweet-
heart.

Raquel
Now you know what it's
bloody well like!

Del
This giving birth ain't all
it's cracked up to be, is
it?

Del takes more gas and air.

Midwife
Breathe easily, Raquel.

Del
Oh, it's a head, Raquel. I
can see its head.

Midwife
That's very good. The
head's in position. It
shouldn't be long.

Del
I can see its head, Raquel,
I can see...

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del
Rodney, I can see its head!

Rodney
Is it... you know, normal?

Del
Normal? What do you mean,
normal? Of course it's
normal. I mean it's just
a head.

Rodney
There aren't any sort of
numbers on it?

Del
Numbers? What are you
talking about, Rodney? What
do you think this is, a
bloody raffle?

Raquel screams. Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
That's it, Raquel.

Midwife
There we are. The head's
out. Relax now. Just relax
for a minute.

Del
Raquel, it's his face. He's
got a little nose. He's got
little ears.

Sister
One more push.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen to Raquel's screams. They then
react to a baby's cry.

Albert
Well, that's it then. It's
all over.

Rodney
Well, that's me off then.

Albert
Don't you want to see the
baby?

Rodney
No, I'm not fussed. I can
see it tomorrow, can't I?

Albert
Del won't like it if you
go. It's important to him
that you stay here, Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah.

DELIVERY ROOM. RAQUEL IS HOLDING THE BABY.

Del
It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel
I've been wondering what
that swelling was.

Del
We've got ourselves a
lovely little baby.

Raquel
I know. I love you.

Del
I love you too, sweetheart.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del
We've done it! We've only
bloody done it!

Albert
Congratulations, sir.

Del
It's a little baby, Rodney.

Rodney
Is it a boy or a girl?

Del
Eh? Oh, hang on.

Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
Is it a boy or a girl?

Raquel lowers the baby’s blanket and shows Del.

Del
It's a boy. I’ll tell you
what, he won't be
frightened to get changed
in the showers.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

 

[Braders]

Kev , why did you just laugh at your own joke?

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Kev , why did you just laugh at your own joke?

Not that it was his in the first place!!

 

[Braders]

Not that it was his in the first place!!

very true, which makes it all the weirder

and why does Uncle Albert call Del "Sir" near the end of the Sketch, are you sure its not "son" Mr Ticehurst?

 

[Scoffers]

Well Jason, what can I say. Mrs Wanderers told me to "shut up and leave me alone" whilst delivering our twins, evidently I was about as useful as a chocolate tea pot, but life would have been hell had I not been there!

With our third, we had a water birth, so an epidural was out of the question, and giving birth to a 10lb 8oz baby was "hell on earth", Mrs Wanderer and I are not planning any more on the premise that the babies get bigger !!

Good luck mate, anything you need, just ask!

 

[Chicken Run]

On all three occasions hardley any, and the third was born in the pool thing up nat maternity btw I wasnt in with her though, it looked like the hold of an Alaskan king crab boat!!!

 

[Starry]

I do envy people who can use that phraseology! Just hour upon hour of total hell on earth for us All she kept saying throughout the entire time was "give me the f***ing epidural" - the midwives at the RSCH are not keen on non-natural (and probably rightly so, although easy for me to say) so they had to keep making up stories about the anesthetist being busy with a car accident! The whole of Brighton must have been an accident blackspot that evening the amount of times they fed us that line

I have issues with the health staff on maternity units, mostly for reasons similar to you mentioned. I'm a bit of a granola crunchy natural birth type but if a mum is requested pain relief during HER birth experience who is a jumped up midwife/junior doctor to fob them off? My issues come from the other side - doctors trying to force hormone drips, epidurals etc when they are not necessary but I guess it comes from both sides. Not being given what you want/need and having what you do not need forced upon you.

I had my first child in the hospital and was offered everything under the sun from pethidine to a c-sec, he was born naturally with the aid of a little gas and air (which ruined his birth for me)

The hospital ruined Cal's birth for me and so our three girls were all born at home without any pain relief.

Whatever works really, but I wish birthing centres and maternity units could respect the wishes of their birthing mum's with regards to what they do want and what they don't.

 

[Simster]

My misses had our baby last Thursday. She was in labour for 20 hours. The worse it got was her telling the midwife that it was all my fault.

Whatever she says / does it will all be worth it in the end mate.

In this vain, my own wife was remarkably restrained - especially considering her labour last FOUR DAYS

It meant that a) I couldn't be best man to my mate (I had to get his brother to do the job as she went into labour on his wedding day) and b) he ended up being delivered naturally on my own 30th birthday four days later!

Four days is actually very much frowned upon (the NHS wouldn't let that happen) but we went for a private midwifery and our particular midwife was a disgrace. These people were TWATS so don't use them.

In the end, she had to be wheeled to the hospital over the road (St Georges, Tooting) which in our experience is a fantastic hospital.

 

[Marshy]

Emergency Caesarian last time and a planned one this time on the 5th December.
So no swearing etc. Bliss.

Only problem is i have to wait hand and foot on her for a couple of months...oh well.

 

[Rusco]

With my second I got an uncontrolable urge to laugh every time she had a contraction, I spent 8 hours biting my bottom lip and looking away. I don't know what caused it, nerves I guess.

 

[tedebear]

Zef was invaluable when Arthur was born. I went into labour on a Sunday and he finally came out on Thursday.

Contrary to what most people have experienced, I had a great experience in hospital but I couldn't have done it without Zef, he managed to keep me from drowning in the birthing pool a few times, by holding me up from my pony tail

Anyhow, 4 days of on again off again contractions knackered me out, Arthur got weary and even though the hospital were happy for me to continue on we eventually had an epidural and I pushed Arthur out in my 70th odd hour of labour (thats not counting abother prior day of latent labour)... (about 10 minutes before the doctor was going to suggest a ceasarian)

My yoga helped loads, and Zef was the best hand squeezer and brow mopper ever.....Shouting and shreiking wastes energy that you need for pushing, and I'm not a shouty person anyhow...

The midwives in Worthing were brilliant - asked me what I wanted all the time, but also made suggestions...

I had no birth plan as whatever will be will be, and it was exhausting but in the end far better than I had imagined...the human body is an incredible thing!

 

[dunno]

With our first daughter 4 years ago my wife had a labour of about 37 hours then a c-section, with our second daughter three weeks ago she had a labour of about 6 hours. If anybody says it doesn't hurt THEY ARE LYING!! - my wife was screaming the PRH down! Loads of pethadine etc and an epidural both times

Both times my wife was okay with me - she tells everyone that I'm quite calming!!! (I was shitting myself both times!)

 

[Dave the OAP]

My first was born 41/2 weeks early and the Mrs was in labour for 12 odd hours. I felt really sorry for her as she was in obvious pain, and when laura was born, there were tremendous emotions of relief and concern. There is nothing better than holding your baby in your arms, wrapped in a blanket with this little face looking up at you. Knowing that she would need extra care just heightened that feeling.

Bex was relatively quicker about 4 hours with contraction coming and going and then the mrs going to have a hot bath, sitting in it, shouting and 5 minutes later another addition to the world.

I wa stoo wrapped up with what was going on to hear what she was actually saying

 

[Kylies Stunt Arse]

Knowing how calm your missus is anyway GB I'd say you've got nothing at all to worry about.






Provided you're not in the same county. Good luck mate!