Dads - how abusive was your mrs in labour?

[Guinness Boy]

OK - my wife is due to have our first in a month.

I have every intention of attending the birth but am a bit scared of what the Mrs might say and do during labour. Having spoken to other dads it seems at the very least I can expect a voice like the excorcist and a cutting assessment of my sexual performance but one of my mates in Taipei had his face bitten by his bird during labour! I think I will wear my cricket box to the hospital

Since NSC is the fount of all knowledge how bad is it? Any one got permanent injuries? Tips for ignoring the yelling? Anyone's missus drop like a chicken dropping an egg after a painless 1 hour labour?

 

[Wardy]

My misses had our baby last Thursday. She was in labour for 20 hours. The worse it got was her telling the midwife that it was all my fault.

Whatever she says / does it will all be worth it in the end mate.

 

[Guinness Boy]

My misses had our baby last Thursday. She was in labour for 20 hours. The worse it got was her telling the midwife that it was all my fault.

Whatever she says / does it will all be worth it in the end mate.

Sweet

Congratulations too

 

[Seagulls over Lewes]

OK - my wife is due to have our first in a month.

I have every intention of attending the birth but am a bit scared of what the Mrs might say and do during labour. Having spoken to other dads it seems at the very least I can expect a voice like the excorcist and a cutting assessment of my sexual performance but one of my mates in Taipei had his face bitten by his bird during labour! I think I will wear my cricket box to the hospital

Since NSC is the fount of all knowledge how bad is it? Any one got permanent injuries? Tips for ignoring the yelling? Anyone's missus drop like a chicken dropping an egg after a painless 1 hour labour?

Had my boy at home just feed her as much gas and air as possible she will be to sleepy to shout horrible things at you. Have some yourselves it will remind you of the old days. Mind you did shit myself when junior started to come and mid wife had just left the house to go back to Brighton

Incidently my lad was born the day the Albion won there first game at Gillingham also waited until full time before he came out.

 

[H block]

Mine was so far gone on Gas And Air she did`nt even know I was there .........................................









Similar to the conception I suppose.

 

[Albion Dan]

I didnt get any abuse aimed at me at all, but she had plenty to say when it was really at the business end of proceedings.

Extremely Traumatic is th ebest I can describe the situation after 15 hours. Good Luck!!!

 

[Guinness Boy]

Mine was so far gone on Gas And Air she did`nt even know I was there .........................................









Similar to the conception I suppose.

post of the day

 

[macky]

My misses had our baby last Thursday. She was in labour for 20 hours. The worse it got was her telling the midwife that it was all my fault.

Whatever she says / does it will all be worth it in the end mate.

a walk in the park my misses was in labour for 60 hours

 

[NMH]

Just remind her that it was a woman who got them into the pain and suffering by listening to a snake. Then remind her to love honour and obey you by getting dinner ready as soon as she gets in the house.

 

[Zed Seagull]

Nae problem here!! 3 hrs in labour and heeps o gas an air.

Not a peep from her!!

 

[Hiney]

Whatever you do, do not SMILE at ANY stage of proceedings. She will IMMEDIATELY think you are laughing at the fact that she is in so much PAIN.

I made the mistake of doing just that. Her exact words were:

"f*** off you ****. You DID this to me you BASTARD"

She also called the midwife a f***ing BITCH when she trod on her FOOT just before giving birth.

 

[H block]

The gas and air certainly eases the anxiety........................ trouble was the nurse took it off me and gave it back to the missus.

 

[fatbadger]

47 hours in labour, and Mrs Badger was never abusive. She was in a lot of pain towards the end, but was fantastic. Nobody can watch any woman in labour and not have the most almighty respect for her.

A truly amazing experience for us dads - all the emotion, but without the pain.

 

[bhanutz]

The Gas and Air is a must.... bloody brilliant!

Our second popped out in 30 mins! just made it to the hospital. Dunno what they all moan about!

 

[British Bulldog]

I was too busy watching down the buisness end to worry about what she was saying! I do remember asking her why she did'nt moan that much when I put the little fella in there.

 

[Starry]

It's usually the man that inflames the situation anyway. Just be there, soothe her, tend to her and help her.

Has she written a birth plan? I think a lot of the screaming, shouting and hollering comes from fear of the unexpected, the threat of meds, IV's, suction, forceps, theatre, pitocin, membrane sweeping etc. but a birth plan has the do's and don't's and removes all the crappy doctors trying to pump you full of unnecessary meds just because they can. Nothing like having a junior doctor offer you a spinal or epidural when you're in agony and having it ruin your whole birthing experience.

Paddy has no lasting damage, no damage at all. Isadora is just seven weeks old and he wants baby number five already. HAHA.

Good luck to the wife and you. I hope your intention becomes reality, it's not something you get to repeat. The birth of your first child.

 

[Basil Fawlty]

I think this thread needs the Only Fools & Horses script.

INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Del is seated at the table. He has one of the wigs on a
large china dog and is brushing it. Raquel is stretched
out on the settee watching TV. Albert is in an armchair,
also watching TV. We now see Raquel hold her stomach as
she feels a twinge. She checks her watch as if timing
the contractions. We cut away to Del. As he brings the
brush away from the wig we see a handful of hair tuck
in the brush.

Del
I don't believe it! Me wig's
going bald! This is gonna
call for a bit of creative
salesmanship. I'll have to
say it's the Bruce Willis
look.

Albert
During the war...

Raquel gives out another and stronger twinge.

Raquel
Del, I think we better go.

Del
Yeah, so do I. Goodnight,
Unc.

Raquel
Not to bed! To the hospital.
It's started.

Del
(Calmly)
Are you sure?

Raquel
Yes, I've been timing the
contractions. We'd better
go.

Albert
(Horrified)
The baby's on its way?
(Starting to
panic)
Well, do something, Del!
Don't just sit there!

Del
Oi, calm down!

Albert
What are we gonna do? Phone
someone! There's a bay on
its way!

Del
(Grabs hold of
him)
Listen to me! In my bedroom
there's a leather-look
flight bag containing
Raquel's hospital things.
Go and get it and take it
downstairs to my Capri
Ghia.

Albert
Righto, Del. I'll go and
get it. What's it look
like?

Del
It looks a bit like a
fridge! It's a bag, innit,
you old div!

Albert
Aye, aye, Del. Leave it to
me.

Albert exits to the bedroom.

Del
(To Raquel)
Nice and calm, that's what
they showed us in the
hospital. Albert, hurry up!

Del picks up the phone.

INTER CUT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.

Cassandra
What d'you want, Del? It's
11.30!

Del
I'm sorry to wake you,
sweetheart, but I'm trying
to find Rodney.

Cassandra
He was here earlier, but he
left about an hour ago.
What's wrong?

Del
Raquel's about to give
birth to our baby.

Cassandra
Have the labour pains
started?

Rodney appears and signals emphatically 'I am not here'.

Del
Yes.

Cassandra
You'll phone me as soon as
the baby's born, won't you?

Del
Yes, 'course I will, sweet-
heart. I wanted Rodney to
be there. Listen, I'll give
you a bell as soon as I've
got some news. Bonjour.
(To Raquel)
Here you are sweetheart,
take your coat.

Cassandra
Give Raquel my love and
tell her I'll be in to see
her.

Del
Yes, I will. And you give
Rodney a nudge and tell
him to get his arse down
the hospital.

Cassandra
Alright, Del.

She switches the phone off.

Cassandra
Del wants you with him!

Rodney
That's ridiculous! I've
never heard of the uncle
being at the birth before!

Cassandra
He doesn't want you in the
delivery room! Just at the
hospital with him!

Rodney
You don't know him like I
do! He'll have me holding
her leg up in the air or
something.

Cassandra
I'll get your clothes.

She climbs out of bed.

Rodney
Oh Cass! I'm comfy here!

Cassandra
Here's your trousers.

Rodney
(Looking through
window)
Oh God, it's a full moon!
Son of Del is being born
on a full moon! I knew it!
I bloody knew it! A couple
of hours from now you
won't be able to sleep for
the sound of howling.

Cassandra
Oh don't be so silly!
Where are the keys to the
van?

Rodney
Where's me crucifix?
That's what I want to know.

Rodney turns the lamp on.

Cassandra feels in Rodney's jacket pockets for the keys
and discovers the ponytail.

Cassandra
Oh look, Roddy, it's that
'rat' you killed earlier!
Doesn't it look like a clip
on ponytail when you get
close up?

Rodney
Ah no, listen, I never said
it was a rat!

Cassandra
You liar!

Rodney
I said it looked like a
rat! And it did, didn't it?
I mean, you thought it was
a mouse!

Cassandra
Where'd you get it from?

Rodney
I was gonna wear it as a
joke. It must have fallen
out of me pocket.

Cassandra
I could report you to the
police. You took advantage
of me - twice!

Rodney
I know, if the case goes to
court, would you say three
times?

Cassandra picks up something to hit him with.

Cassandra
You're lucky you're on your
way to hospital - it'll
save the ambulance a
journey.

Rodney
Now, come on, Cass, pack it
in. I've got a brother
about to give birth!

HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in labour. Del is bending over her.

Del
Alright, sweetheart, the
nurse has gone to get the
delivery team. You've had
your enema. Everything's
going according to plan.

Raquel
You're gonna stay here,
aren't you, Del? Don't go
running off and leave me.

Del
I'm not going anywhere,
sweetheart. I'm staying
here with you.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney and Albert are sitting in the corridor outside
the delivery room. A group of hospital staff enter the
corridor.

Albert
Are these the specialists?

Rodney
No, they've just come back
from a fancy-dress party.
Of course they're the
specialists.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
Are you alright?

Raquel
Yes.

Del
Good.

There is a knock at the door.

Del
Who is it - friend or
enema?
(Trying to make
Raquel laugh)
Friend or enema?

Raquel
Shut up, Del.

Del
Yeah, shut up, Del. It's
alright, darling. I'll see
who it is. You stay there,
alright?

Del opens the door to Albert.

Albert
The specialists are on the
way, Del Boy.

Del
Thanks, Unc. You go and
sit down, go on.

A sister and nurse enter, followed by a male midwife.

Del
(Cont'd)
Excuse me, excuse me, John.
We're having a baby in
here.

Midwife
I know, that's why I'm
here.

Del
What are you, a pervert or
something?

Sister
That's Mr McCullum. He's
the midwife.

Del
He's a bloke.

Midwife
I'm a trained midwife. Now,
please get out of my way.

Raquel
Just let him do his job,
Del.

Del
No, he's a bloke.

Raquel
I don't care if he's a
trained chimp! Get out of
his way.

Del
Alright, alright, but you
just watch it, OK?
(To Raquel)
Calm down, calm down.
Remember your blood pressure.

Midwife
How are you feeling, Raquel?

Raquel
Not too bad at the moment.

Midwife
Have you timed the contrac-
tions?

Sister
Three minutes.

Del
Is that good?

Midwife
Yes, that's good.

Del
Cushty.

Midwife
Would you set the monitor
up?

Sister
Nurse, the gas and air.

Del
(Indicating foetal
heart monitor)
What's that thing for?

Sister
It monitors the baby's
heartbeat.

Del
Oh, Lovely Jubbly.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Rodney
It's going to be a boy. I
know it is.

Albert
Can't be sure of anything,
son.

Rodney
No, it's a boy. Mars and
something else have come
into conjunction and decided
he would be born in Peckham.

Del enters the corridor from the delivery room.

Del
They've got the baby's
heartbeat. Half an hour's
time we'll have the
bestest knees up our
family's ever known.

Albert
Is everything alright, Del?

Del
Everything's absolutely
fine. The baby's fine.
Raquel's fine. In 48 hours'
time we'll be going back to
the flat with another
addition to the Trotter
family.

Rodney
Oi, Del. Have they said
anything about the sex?

Del
Oh give her time, Rodney.

Rodney
No, I mean...

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is now in advanced labour and in considerable
pain.

Raquel
How much longer is he
going to take?

Del
It's alright, sweetheart,
alright. He'll take as
long as he needs to take.
He wants to make sure he
gets everything just right,
'cos he's a perfectionist,
like his dad.

Raquel
I'm talking about the mid-
wife.

Del
Oh I see. Oi, you, pal,
how much longer is this
gonna take?

Midwife
Nature will run its course,
Mr Trotter. When the baby's
ready to put in an
appearance, he'll let us
now.

Raquel screams.

Del
Go on, give it everything
you got, girl.

Raquel
Don't you ever come near me
again, Trotter.

Del
There's no need to be like
that, sweetheart.
(To the sister)
I suppose they're all like
this, are they?

Sister
No.

Del
I'll get the gas and air.

The midwife bends down over Raquel and loses his wig.

Del looks down and sees the wig. He thinks it's the baby
coming.

Del
(Cont'd)
Raquel, Raquel, I can see
his head. He's got a full
head of hair.

The midwife reacts and grabs his wig. He attempts to
replace it.

Midwife
Some bloody spiv.

The midwife is embarrassed, he removes the wig.

Midwife
(Cont'd)
I'll scrub up.

The clock is showing 3.40am.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR

Albert sits in the corridor while Rodney is pacing up
and down. They react as they hear Raquel scream.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Raquel is in the late stages of labour. Del is holding
her leg.

Del
Come on, girl, give it
some welly.

Sister
Shouldn't be too long,
Raquel. The contractions
are becoming more frequent.

Raquel
I know... I'm the one
having the contractions.
Would you let go of my leg,
Del?!

Del
Alright, sweetheart. Would
you like some gas and air?

Raquel
No thank you.

Del
OK.

Del takes a breathe of the gas and air.

Del
(Cont'd)
It's good stuff, this.
Better not tell Rodney
about it.

Raquel
Oh no, here's another one.

Midwife
Push hard, there's a good
girl.

Raquel
Del, can I hold your hand?

Del
Yes, yes, of course you
can, sweetheart, go on.

Sister
Push.

Del
OK, Raquel, steady on.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen worriedly to Raquel's screams
and react surprised as they hear Del cry out.

DELIVERY ROOM.

As Raquel continues to scream, she violently squeezes
Del's hand.

Del
Aaaaaargh!

The pain subsides and she releases his hand.

Raquel
Oh, did that hurt, Del?

Del
Yes, it did a bit, sweet-
heart.

Raquel
Now you know what it's
bloody well like!

Del
This giving birth ain't all
it's cracked up to be, is
it?

Del takes more gas and air.

Midwife
Breathe easily, Raquel.

Del
Oh, it's a head, Raquel. I
can see its head.

Midwife
That's very good. The
head's in position. It
shouldn't be long.

Del
I can see its head, Raquel,
I can see...

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del
Rodney, I can see its head!

Rodney
Is it... you know, normal?

Del
Normal? What do you mean,
normal? Of course it's
normal. I mean it's just
a head.

Rodney
There aren't any sort of
numbers on it?

Del
Numbers? What are you
talking about, Rodney? What
do you think this is, a
bloody raffle?

Raquel screams. Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
That's it, Raquel.

Midwife
There we are. The head's
out. Relax now. Just relax
for a minute.

Del
Raquel, it's his face. He's
got a little nose. He's got
little ears.

Sister
One more push.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Albert and Rodney listen to Raquel's screams. They then
react to a baby's cry.

Albert
Well, that's it then. It's
all over.

Rodney
Well, that's me off then.

Albert
Don't you want to see the
baby?

Rodney
No, I'm not fussed. I can
see it tomorrow, can't I?

Albert
Del won't like it if you
go. It's important to him
that you stay here, Rodney.

Rodney
Yeah.

DELIVERY ROOM. RAQUEL IS HOLDING THE BABY.

Del
It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel
I've been wondering what
that swelling was.

Del
We've got ourselves a
lovely little baby.

Raquel
I know. I love you.

Del
I love you too, sweetheart.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

Del
We've done it! We've only
bloody done it!

Albert
Congratulations, sir.

Del
It's a little baby, Rodney.

Rodney
Is it a boy or a girl?

Del
Eh? Oh, hang on.

Del exits to the delivery room.

DELIVERY ROOM.

Del
Is it a boy or a girl?

Raquel lowers the baby’s blanket and shows Del.

Del
It's a boy. I’ll tell you
what, he won't be
frightened to get changed
in the showers.

Del exits to the corridor.

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

 

[BUTTERBALL]

Congratulations on the longest post in history.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Whatever you do, do not SMILE at ANY stage of proceedings. She will IMMEDIATELY think you are laughing at the fact that she is in so much PAIN.

I made the mistake of doing just that. Her exact words were:

"f*** off you ****. You DID this to me you BASTARD"

She also called the midwife a f***ing BITCH when she trod on her FOOT just before giving birth.

Also, it is a bit harsh to tread on her foot and then call her a f***ing bitch.


Congratulations Wardy and good luck to the expectant dads.

 

[Hiney]

Also, it is a bit harsh to tread on her foot and then call her a f***ing bitch.


Congratulations Wardy and good luck to the expectant dads.

The Midwife trod on Justine's foot. She was NOT happy!