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Comedy quotes..
- Thread starter Biscuit
- Start date
Hampden Park
Ex R.N.
- Oct 7, 2003
- 4,993
four candles
Mrs Richards: I asked for a room with a view!
Basil: [looks through window] This is the view as far as I can remember it...yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs Richards: I expect to see something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay madam
Mrs Richards: It is not good enough!
Basil: Well, may I ask what you were hoping to see out of a Torquay bedroom window? The Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically across the plains?
Mrs Richards: When I ask for a room with a view I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea, it's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that!
Basil: Then may I suggest that you move to a hotel closer to the sea. [muttering] Or preferably in it.
Basil: [looks through window] This is the view as far as I can remember it...yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs Richards: I expect to see something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay madam
Mrs Richards: It is not good enough!
Basil: Well, may I ask what you were hoping to see out of a Torquay bedroom window? The Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically across the plains?
Mrs Richards: When I ask for a room with a view I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea, it's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that!
Basil: Then may I suggest that you move to a hotel closer to the sea. [muttering] Or preferably in it.
Knightsworld
Well-known member
Carry on Doctor (i think)
Ambulance driver eating a pear
Babs: ooooh hi, what a lovely looking pear
Ambulance driver: you took the words right out of my mouth
Classic
Ambulance driver eating a pear
Babs: ooooh hi, what a lovely looking pear
Ambulance driver: you took the words right out of my mouth
Classic
Le Premier Cru
Member
That's just a dog licence with the word 'dog' crossed out and cat written in in crayon
- Thread starter
- #7
John Cleese: In 1943, a group of British Army Officers working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as maybe. And now...
Caption: AND NOW...UNOCCUPIED BRITAIN I970
(Cut to colonel's office. Colonel is seated at desk.)
Colonel: Come in, what do you want?
(Enter Private Watkins.)
Watkins: I'd like to leave the army please, sir.
Colonel: Good heavens man, why?
Watkins: It's dangerous.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: There are people with guns out there, sir.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.
Colonel: Watkins, they are on our side.
Watkins: And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Colonel: Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
Watkins: I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.
Colonel: That's true.
Watkins: Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt.
Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.
Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No sir, l'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.
Colonel: That's a very silly line.
Caption: AND NOW...UNOCCUPIED BRITAIN I970
(Cut to colonel's office. Colonel is seated at desk.)
Colonel: Come in, what do you want?
(Enter Private Watkins.)
Watkins: I'd like to leave the army please, sir.
Colonel: Good heavens man, why?
Watkins: It's dangerous.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: There are people with guns out there, sir.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.
Colonel: Watkins, they are on our side.
Watkins: And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Colonel: Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
Watkins: I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.
Colonel: That's true.
Watkins: Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt.
Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.
Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No sir, l'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.
Colonel: That's a very silly line.
pasty
A different kind of pasty
Northstander
Well-known member
- Oct 13, 2003
- 14,031
tHE BEST COMDEY SKETCH EVER IMHO
In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)
CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hoe back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)
In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)
CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hoe back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)
Gazwag
5 millionth post poster
Don't tell him your name, Pike
Last edited:
Northstander
Well-known member
- Oct 13, 2003
- 14,031
Still laughin at the Four Candles!! It's the way Roonie Corbett starts to loose it!!
Genius!!
Genius!!
pasty
A different kind of pasty
Dawsey said:"This Basil's wife, this Basil, this smack on the head!"
Another Fawlty Towers classic
My two favourite "Flowery Twats" quotes....
Basil — There is too much butter on those trays.
Manuel — Que?
Basil — There is too much butter on those trays.
Manuel — No, no, Mr. Fawlty, uno dos tres.
And from the Germans episode
German Guest: Stop talking about the war.
Basil: You started it!
German: No we didn't!
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.
Trufflehound
Re-enfranchised
Carry on Cleo
Julius Caesar (Kenneth Williams, as he's being murdered): Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy!
Julius Caesar (Kenneth Williams, as he's being murdered): Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy!
Digweeds Trousers
New member
Well not just cheesemakers, I think he is refering to al manufactuererss of dairy pridcutss
Morecombe and Wise show circa 1974.
Eric walks into the pschychatrist`s office in an Admiral Nelson style uniform.
"Doctor Doctor you must help me, I keep thinking I,m Napoleon"
"Don`t you mean Nelson" replies the Doctor.
"No I am Nelson but I keep thinking I`m Napoleon," says Eric.
Eric walks into the pschychatrist`s office in an Admiral Nelson style uniform.
"Doctor Doctor you must help me, I keep thinking I,m Napoleon"
"Don`t you mean Nelson" replies the Doctor.
"No I am Nelson but I keep thinking I`m Napoleon," says Eric.
Hungry Joe
SINNEN
Tommy Cooper;
I went to the Doctor the other day and I said "Doctor, my arm hurts when I do this" (holds arm up at angle)
He said "Don't do it then".
I went to the Doctor the other day and I said "Doctor, my arm hurts when I do this" (holds arm up at angle)
He said "Don't do it then".
Kev the Ape
New member
Mike- So?
Trigger- So what?
Mike- So what they going to call the baby
Trigger- Oh if its a girl they are going to call it segourney after the actress, and if its a boy then they are going to call it Rodney after Dave.
Trigger- So what?
Mike- So what they going to call the baby
Trigger- Oh if its a girl they are going to call it segourney after the actress, and if its a boy then they are going to call it Rodney after Dave.
Kev the Ape
New member
[In the hospital: Sybil has a few things to do for Basil]
Basil: Oh yes, in the bag. You let me do lt. You just lie there with your feet up and I'll go and carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams... [he hands her the book]
Sybil: I'm actually about to undergo an operation, Basil.
Basil: Oh yes, how is the old toe-nail? Still growing in, hmmmm? Still burrowing its way down into the bone? Still macheting its way through the nerve, eh? Nasty old nail.
Sybil: It's still hurting, if that's what you mean, Basil.
Basil: Well, it'll be out in the morning, poor little devil. I wonder if they'd mount it for me, just for old time's sake?
Sybil: I'm sure it's worth asking. You could hang it on the wall next to the moose. They'd go rather well together.
Basil: Ha ha ha.
[The sister enters]
Sister: [to Sybil] Ah, there you are. [to Basil] Come along, out you go.
Basil: [peering under the bed] Oh, were you talking to me? I'm sorry, I thought there was a dog in here.
Sister: Oh no, no dogs in here.
Basil: [looking at her closely] I wouldn't bet on it.
Sister: Oh no, not allowed. Now come along, you're in the way.
Basil: Fawlty's the name, Mr Fawlty.
Sister: [to Sybil] Let's sit you up a bit.
Sybil: [very sweetly] Thank you, Sister.
Sister: [putting a thermometer in Sybil's mouth] Now, just pop that under your tongue. [she sees Basil] You still here?
Basil: Apparently.
Sister: The doctor's coming.
Basil: [jumps up] My God! A doctor? I mean, here in the hospital? Whatever can we do?
Sister: You can leave!
Basil: Why do they call you 'Sister'? Is it a term of endearment?
[Sybil isn't able to speak - she makes a warning noise]
Sister: Now look, Mr Fawlty. I'm not going to ask you again.
Basil: Presumably you wouldn't mind if I said goodbye to my wife? She is under the knife tomorrow.
Sister: lt's an ingrowing toe-nail!
Basil: Oh! You know, do you? Well, that'll help. [to Sybil] Well, take care now, and if you can think of any more things for me to do, don't hesitate to call.
[Another warning noise from Sybil.]
Sister: Finished?
Basil: Just. Thank you so much.
Sister: Not at all.
Basil: Charmed, I'm sure... Ingrowing toe-nail. Right foot. You'll find it on the end of the leg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is just trying to fix a stuffed head of a moose on the wall when the telephone rings. It is Sybil.]
Basil: Yes, Fawlty Towers, yes, hello? ... I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down to come here to be reminded by you to do what I'm already doing! I mean what's the point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing. I mean what is the bloody point?! I'm doing it, aren't I!?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is dealing with the elderly couple at the reception.]
German man: Entschuldigen Sie, bitte, können Sie Deutsch sprechen? «?
Basil: I'm sorry, could you say that again?
German lady: You speak German?
Basil: Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. Of course, the Germans!
Basil: Oh yes, in the bag. You let me do lt. You just lie there with your feet up and I'll go and carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams... [he hands her the book]
Sybil: I'm actually about to undergo an operation, Basil.
Basil: Oh yes, how is the old toe-nail? Still growing in, hmmmm? Still burrowing its way down into the bone? Still macheting its way through the nerve, eh? Nasty old nail.
Sybil: It's still hurting, if that's what you mean, Basil.
Basil: Well, it'll be out in the morning, poor little devil. I wonder if they'd mount it for me, just for old time's sake?
Sybil: I'm sure it's worth asking. You could hang it on the wall next to the moose. They'd go rather well together.
Basil: Ha ha ha.
[The sister enters]
Sister: [to Sybil] Ah, there you are. [to Basil] Come along, out you go.
Basil: [peering under the bed] Oh, were you talking to me? I'm sorry, I thought there was a dog in here.
Sister: Oh no, no dogs in here.
Basil: [looking at her closely] I wouldn't bet on it.
Sister: Oh no, not allowed. Now come along, you're in the way.
Basil: Fawlty's the name, Mr Fawlty.
Sister: [to Sybil] Let's sit you up a bit.
Sybil: [very sweetly] Thank you, Sister.
Sister: [putting a thermometer in Sybil's mouth] Now, just pop that under your tongue. [she sees Basil] You still here?
Basil: Apparently.
Sister: The doctor's coming.
Basil: [jumps up] My God! A doctor? I mean, here in the hospital? Whatever can we do?
Sister: You can leave!
Basil: Why do they call you 'Sister'? Is it a term of endearment?
[Sybil isn't able to speak - she makes a warning noise]
Sister: Now look, Mr Fawlty. I'm not going to ask you again.
Basil: Presumably you wouldn't mind if I said goodbye to my wife? She is under the knife tomorrow.
Sister: lt's an ingrowing toe-nail!
Basil: Oh! You know, do you? Well, that'll help. [to Sybil] Well, take care now, and if you can think of any more things for me to do, don't hesitate to call.
[Another warning noise from Sybil.]
Sister: Finished?
Basil: Just. Thank you so much.
Sister: Not at all.
Basil: Charmed, I'm sure... Ingrowing toe-nail. Right foot. You'll find it on the end of the leg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is just trying to fix a stuffed head of a moose on the wall when the telephone rings. It is Sybil.]
Basil: Yes, Fawlty Towers, yes, hello? ... I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down to come here to be reminded by you to do what I'm already doing! I mean what's the point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing. I mean what is the bloody point?! I'm doing it, aren't I!?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is dealing with the elderly couple at the reception.]
German man: Entschuldigen Sie, bitte, können Sie Deutsch sprechen? «?
Basil: I'm sorry, could you say that again?
German lady: You speak German?
Basil: Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. Of course, the Germans!
Kev the Ape
New member
Waldorf Salad
[Basil is dealing with Mr Hamilton in the dining room.]
Mr Hamilton: Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
Basil: Oh, ... ah, ... wa?
Mr Hamilton: Waldorf Salad?
Basil: I think we are just out of Waldorfs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is looking for the ingredients for a Waldorf salad in the kitchen.]
Sybil: If you'd just look.
Basil: I have looked. There's no celery, there's no grapes, ... walnuts! That's a laught, easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen.
Sybil: Now, we've got apples.
Basil: Oh, terrific! Let's celebrate! We'll have an apple party: Everybody brings his own apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat.
[Basil is dealing with Mr Hamilton in the dining room.]
Mr Hamilton: Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
Basil: Oh, ... ah, ... wa?
Mr Hamilton: Waldorf Salad?
Basil: I think we are just out of Waldorfs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Basil is looking for the ingredients for a Waldorf salad in the kitchen.]
Sybil: If you'd just look.
Basil: I have looked. There's no celery, there's no grapes, ... walnuts! That's a laught, easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen.
Sybil: Now, we've got apples.
Basil: Oh, terrific! Let's celebrate! We'll have an apple party: Everybody brings his own apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat.