This weather has been pissing me off. So for the past two days I have been checking my seaweed and watching our rotary clothes line attempting to enter orbit, and I can now confirm our suspicions, that GLOBAL WARMING IS ALL BOLLOX.
The startling results of my tests indicate that the Gulf Stream is going into reverse with the result that the UK is racing headlong into a new ICE AGE.
This will have the following CATASTROPHIC effects:
The Arctic ice sheet will move south and stop at Hadrians Wall. Scotland will be buried by a sheet of ice 37 metres thick. England will be buried by Sweaties.
Each day the weather will consist of wind rain hail wind sleet snow rain and wind. On rare occasions we may catch a fleeting glimpse of the sun. Patio tables, mini-skirts and barbecues will become obsolete. Summer temperatures will average 10.5. All trees will be flattened by the wind.
All land in England north of the river Thames will remain frozen (permafrost). This will mean that all football clubs in that area will have to shut down and the south coast will become the new soccer heartland.
People suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), like me, will slit their wrists in their thousands, but will be replaced by immigrants from Uzbekistan and French Polynesia.
Sea level will fall by 10 metres, joining the UK to mainland Europe again.
There will, however be some ADVANTAGES to our new climate:
Scotland will be buried by a sheet of ice 37 feet thick.
There will be a cull of chavs because the land cannot support such a large population.
There will be a cull of Sweaties because the land cannot support such a large population
We will be able to walk or cycle to France to stock up on our Somalian red wine
The south coast will become the world’s football powerhouse. Northern monkeys will be wearing Brighton Portsmouth and Southampton shirts.
Brighton and Hove Albion will build a 110,000 all-stander stadium on the new land near the Palace pier and will become the greatest club side in the world winning the Champions League every year.
Blackpool and Grimsby will no longer exist.
The orange chairman of Crystal Palace FC will die due to lack of sunshine and nobody else will be arsed to take over. The club will fold.
YOU MAY BE ABLE TO OFFER MORE IDEAS AS TO HOW THE UK WILL BE AFFECTED.
The startling results of my tests indicate that the Gulf Stream is going into reverse with the result that the UK is racing headlong into a new ICE AGE.
This will have the following CATASTROPHIC effects:
The Arctic ice sheet will move south and stop at Hadrians Wall. Scotland will be buried by a sheet of ice 37 metres thick. England will be buried by Sweaties.
Each day the weather will consist of wind rain hail wind sleet snow rain and wind. On rare occasions we may catch a fleeting glimpse of the sun. Patio tables, mini-skirts and barbecues will become obsolete. Summer temperatures will average 10.5. All trees will be flattened by the wind.
All land in England north of the river Thames will remain frozen (permafrost). This will mean that all football clubs in that area will have to shut down and the south coast will become the new soccer heartland.
People suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), like me, will slit their wrists in their thousands, but will be replaced by immigrants from Uzbekistan and French Polynesia.
Sea level will fall by 10 metres, joining the UK to mainland Europe again.
There will, however be some ADVANTAGES to our new climate:
Scotland will be buried by a sheet of ice 37 feet thick.
There will be a cull of chavs because the land cannot support such a large population.
There will be a cull of Sweaties because the land cannot support such a large population
We will be able to walk or cycle to France to stock up on our Somalian red wine
The south coast will become the world’s football powerhouse. Northern monkeys will be wearing Brighton Portsmouth and Southampton shirts.
Brighton and Hove Albion will build a 110,000 all-stander stadium on the new land near the Palace pier and will become the greatest club side in the world winning the Champions League every year.
Blackpool and Grimsby will no longer exist.
The orange chairman of Crystal Palace FC will die due to lack of sunshine and nobody else will be arsed to take over. The club will fold.
YOU MAY BE ABLE TO OFFER MORE IDEAS AS TO HOW THE UK WILL BE AFFECTED.
