classic Tommy Cooper gags

[The Large One]

Real TC

“A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.”

“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.”

“I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.”

“I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.' “

Tim Vine again.

 

[colinpants]

"I gave the wife a wave from the beach the other day, she keeps it in a bucket."

 

[Twinkle Toes]

I got a letter this morning. It said: "Morrisons Brentford, Parking Fine".

Which was nice.

 

[NMH]

I got a letter this morning. It said: "Morrisons Brentford, Parking Fine".

Which was nice.

One of Tommy's best

 

[Monkey Man]

I was clearing out the attic and I found a painting and a violin.

I took them to the auctioneer to have them valued and he said, this is amazing: you've got a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.

The only problem is that Stradivarius couldn't paint ... and Rembrandt made rotten violins.

 

[BensGrandad]

My favourite was his

Left hand held high 'Light Bulb'
Right hand held lower 'Heavy Bulb'

 

[cunning fergus]

Two goldfish in a tank...........

One say to the other "you drive and I'll man the gun".

Still smirking as I type it.

 

[Jesus Gul]

I've just been Bobsleighing....I sleighed twenty bobs (not actually TC's)

 

[rcf0712]

well Tim Vine or Tommy Cooper hopefully that gave a few laughs, here's a classic Cooper...
I walked into a bar, ooohhh, it was an iron bar, ah ha

 

[Seagullible]

an englishman, and irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the bartender says 'is this some kind of joke?'

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender ' can I have a pint of......












....bitter please'

The bartender replies ' why the big pause?'

 

[Taybha]

cup spoon spoon cup

 

[R. Slicker]

I went to the doctors, I said doctor, my leg hurts, what should I do?


He said "limp"

 

[Martinf]

Most of those jokes are weak, and if you read a lot of Tommy's jokes 'cold' without knowing they were his jokes - they're fairly poor.
So, it was the teller of the jokes that made them so funny, underlining the natural comic genius of Tommy Cooper. He himself was bemused as to why people were in fits before he even got the first joke out when performing live, and when he played a theatre the curtain only had to get a shake and the anticipation had people falling about.

Tommy had a brilliant combination of his look / showman's pathos, cheek, and clown / timing. Much of it was based in vaudeville and the slapstick of the silent screen.


These jokes above, starting out this thread, are unlikely Cooper humour, so when I felt unable to read them recreated by a Tommy Cooper inner-voice - they stopped being all that funny.

The ones about a book about glue, and him opening a theatre were certainly good Cooper-style though.

All true NMH. Another comedian (cant rememebr who) went to see Tommy live. Right at the start of the show before Tommy appeared, all the lights went out and in total darkness all the audience could hear were footsteps and Tommy's voice asking the way to the stage. Then more footsteps. Then the sound of a creaking door being opened, then a pause and then Tommy saying: "Broom cupboard". He had the audience rolling about even before they set eyes on him.

 

[vegster]

I went to the doctor the other day and told him I had broken my leg in 3 places, he said "stop going to those places"

 

[dennis]

Definitely Tim Vine Jokes

Tim Vine Jokes



Classic Cooper

“ I looked out of my window and saw a man trying to steal my gate last night. I didn’t say anything in case he took offence! “

 

[Hiney]

Who gives a shit whose jokes they are.

They are funny, which is all that matters.

 

[Brovion]

Who gives a shit whose jokes they are.

They are funny, which is all that matters.

Well Tim Vine might give a shit, seeing as Tommy Cooper is getting all the credit for his work!

 

[Taybha]

cup bun bun cup

 

[Trufflehound]

Bottle glass, glass bottle...

 

[Dave the OAP]

a lot of TC's "jokes" were very visual...he has a habit of dressing half and half in different costumes and making that into an act....again..it would be lost on the lovers of the Frankie Boyle type of humour and was ceetainly from a very different generation of comedians, Morcambe and Wise, Arthur Askey, Ted Ray, Max Wall, Dick Emery, Benny Hill, etc etc

A example of his visual humour would be the gag......whilst facing the audience, he would scratch his teeth " my teeth itch"....plainly that is not funny, however in the context of his act, as absurd as it was, it was funny.

I always remember Eric Morcambe used to at some point in the show, spot the camera....he would turn to it and grin inanely into it, eventually all the cast would end up doing it.....again, not in the slightest funny when relating to it, but hilarious in contex(sp?)

YouTube - Tom Jones on the Morecambe Wise Show