Arthur Scrimshaw
New member
Recently unearthed by my sibling the younger Arthur Scrimshaw, presented to you tonight is a fragment of a lost carry on script based upon the goings on of a get-with-it-daddio crowd of swinging 60s NSC.
CAST LIST
Sid Crabtree = Sid James
Bernie Simster = Bernard Bresslaw
Nurse Dover97 = Terry Scott
Terry Trigger = Jim Dale
Gervaise Glover = Charles Haughtry
Elton Easyten = Kenneth Williams
Nora Brighton-Birdy = Joan Sims
Totti Trotster = Barbara Windsor
Lush the Barmaid = Hattie Jacques
Roger Rougvie = Leslie Phillips
SCRIPT
Set in the town of Fircombe camera pans over the concrete shopping centre towards the hip and groovy NorthStandChat Inn pub run by the matronly Lush and her many admirers. Sid and Bernie are playing on the pool table, Terry and Totti are approaching the fruit machine. Totti is wearing a low cut top and a very short skirt and is totally oblvious to the gawping clientile. On the other side Gervaise and Elton are comparing cravats and cufflinks and talking about the latest Will Young record. Roger is twirling his moustache and studying the form whilst imbibing in a pint of Watney red in a dimpled glass.
BERNIE: Have you got all the balls out Sid?
SID: Nah, there's one lodged right up (he has stuck his cue up the slot and is now wriggling it around). Blimey, I'm right up to the shaft and still feel there's room to spare. (A rattle is heard) Bingo (the ball plops out).
TERRY is about to put all his coins in the slot machine
TOTTI: Don't empty your purse out now dahlin' you won't have anything left for later on.
TERRY: (Blushes and steals a glance at Totti's cleavage) Here goes (He presses the start button, machine lights up and whirls round)
TOTTI: Ooooh! You've got a couple of plums there!
TERRY: Its the cut of the trousers.
TOTTI: No silly on the machine.
TERRY: Oh. (The lights are flashing in front of the reels)
TOTTI: Do you want me to hold them for you?
TERRY: Oo yes please. (Totti presses two of the lights down, then start, the reel stops and noises emanate from the machine indicatiing that nudges are available)
TOTTI: Let's have a quick look, I think I can see some melons, if we nudge your plums out of the way I can get a better look.
TERRY: I can see quite well from here.
Meanwhile behind the machine Gervaise and Elton are partaking in a glass of Barley Wine.
GERVAISE: Its very healthy living on a farm you know.
ELTON: But its a bit messy and all that noise, during the war when I was lad the farmer's cock used to wake me up at the crack of dawn each day.
GERVAISE: My one can't stand the cold mornings you know, rears its little head out of the coup, breathes in the cold morning air then hides again. You can't get it out for love or money, you know.
ELTON: Did you hear? That Rocxanne has been voted out?
GERVAISE: No!!! Time for drinkies, I fancy a pink gin. Get the next round in then tell me all about it. (ELTON gets up and heads toward the bar, walking past Nora who is a bit tipsy and bumps into him)
ELTON: Excuse me young lady mind where you are putting that (He points to her glass of Red Wine which is dangerously close to spilling down his trousers)
NORA: I'll put it where I like (She breaks out into a series of drunken girly giggles)
ROGER's eye rises above his Sporting Life: Ding dong! You can ut it over here if you like.
NORA falls to the ground convulsively giggling.
Meanwhile Sid is trying to swerve his ball around another to get out of a snooker. His concentration is being tested by Totti's bending over at the fruit machine.
BERNIE: Can you see anything Sid?
SID: Grrrrwwwll. Quite a bit.
BERNIE: It looks well covered to me.
SID: Not from where I am standing.
TOTTI: I can see both the melons now, can you?
TERRY: *whimper*
TOTTI: Quick nudge them down into view (Terry is breaking into a sweat as Totti bends further down, the machine has hit jackpot and starts paying out its cash)
TOTTI: (Ecstatically) ooohhhh!!! Look at all this (She shouts as she bends right down exposing more than meets the eye)
At that moment Terry collapses in a faint, Sid looks up catches an eyeful of knicker elastic, lunges forward with his shot ripping the baize and sending the white ball flying off the table in the direction of Elton who is returning from the bar, hitting him square on the cushion between his pockets. He falls to floor in agony. Gervaise rushes up as does another character from the corner.
NURSE DOVER97: Let me through I'm an expert.
ELTON: OOwwwwww.
NURSE DOVER97: Can you feel anything?
ELTON: Are you a doctor?
NURSE DOVER97: No a nurse.
ELTON: (Eyeing him suspiciously) No I can't and neither can you.
BERNIE: Hey Sid, you might have missed the yellow but I think you hit the pink.
SID: Hyuck hyuck hyuck, at least it wasn't the brown.
Barmaid Lush comes running out and starts mothering Gervaise.
LUSH: O you poor soul, I'll get you a jug of something special that'll make you stand up pretty quickly.
ELTON; Yes please.
CAST LIST
Sid Crabtree = Sid James
Bernie Simster = Bernard Bresslaw
Nurse Dover97 = Terry Scott
Terry Trigger = Jim Dale
Gervaise Glover = Charles Haughtry
Elton Easyten = Kenneth Williams
Nora Brighton-Birdy = Joan Sims
Totti Trotster = Barbara Windsor
Lush the Barmaid = Hattie Jacques
Roger Rougvie = Leslie Phillips
SCRIPT
Set in the town of Fircombe camera pans over the concrete shopping centre towards the hip and groovy NorthStandChat Inn pub run by the matronly Lush and her many admirers. Sid and Bernie are playing on the pool table, Terry and Totti are approaching the fruit machine. Totti is wearing a low cut top and a very short skirt and is totally oblvious to the gawping clientile. On the other side Gervaise and Elton are comparing cravats and cufflinks and talking about the latest Will Young record. Roger is twirling his moustache and studying the form whilst imbibing in a pint of Watney red in a dimpled glass.
BERNIE: Have you got all the balls out Sid?
SID: Nah, there's one lodged right up (he has stuck his cue up the slot and is now wriggling it around). Blimey, I'm right up to the shaft and still feel there's room to spare. (A rattle is heard) Bingo (the ball plops out).
TERRY is about to put all his coins in the slot machine
TOTTI: Don't empty your purse out now dahlin' you won't have anything left for later on.
TERRY: (Blushes and steals a glance at Totti's cleavage) Here goes (He presses the start button, machine lights up and whirls round)
TOTTI: Ooooh! You've got a couple of plums there!
TERRY: Its the cut of the trousers.
TOTTI: No silly on the machine.
TERRY: Oh. (The lights are flashing in front of the reels)
TOTTI: Do you want me to hold them for you?
TERRY: Oo yes please. (Totti presses two of the lights down, then start, the reel stops and noises emanate from the machine indicatiing that nudges are available)
TOTTI: Let's have a quick look, I think I can see some melons, if we nudge your plums out of the way I can get a better look.
TERRY: I can see quite well from here.
Meanwhile behind the machine Gervaise and Elton are partaking in a glass of Barley Wine.
GERVAISE: Its very healthy living on a farm you know.
ELTON: But its a bit messy and all that noise, during the war when I was lad the farmer's cock used to wake me up at the crack of dawn each day.
GERVAISE: My one can't stand the cold mornings you know, rears its little head out of the coup, breathes in the cold morning air then hides again. You can't get it out for love or money, you know.
ELTON: Did you hear? That Rocxanne has been voted out?
GERVAISE: No!!! Time for drinkies, I fancy a pink gin. Get the next round in then tell me all about it. (ELTON gets up and heads toward the bar, walking past Nora who is a bit tipsy and bumps into him)
ELTON: Excuse me young lady mind where you are putting that (He points to her glass of Red Wine which is dangerously close to spilling down his trousers)
NORA: I'll put it where I like (She breaks out into a series of drunken girly giggles)
ROGER's eye rises above his Sporting Life: Ding dong! You can ut it over here if you like.
NORA falls to the ground convulsively giggling.
Meanwhile Sid is trying to swerve his ball around another to get out of a snooker. His concentration is being tested by Totti's bending over at the fruit machine.
BERNIE: Can you see anything Sid?
SID: Grrrrwwwll. Quite a bit.
BERNIE: It looks well covered to me.
SID: Not from where I am standing.
TOTTI: I can see both the melons now, can you?
TERRY: *whimper*
TOTTI: Quick nudge them down into view (Terry is breaking into a sweat as Totti bends further down, the machine has hit jackpot and starts paying out its cash)
TOTTI: (Ecstatically) ooohhhh!!! Look at all this (She shouts as she bends right down exposing more than meets the eye)
At that moment Terry collapses in a faint, Sid looks up catches an eyeful of knicker elastic, lunges forward with his shot ripping the baize and sending the white ball flying off the table in the direction of Elton who is returning from the bar, hitting him square on the cushion between his pockets. He falls to floor in agony. Gervaise rushes up as does another character from the corner.
NURSE DOVER97: Let me through I'm an expert.
ELTON: OOwwwwww.
NURSE DOVER97: Can you feel anything?
ELTON: Are you a doctor?
NURSE DOVER97: No a nurse.
ELTON: (Eyeing him suspiciously) No I can't and neither can you.
BERNIE: Hey Sid, you might have missed the yellow but I think you hit the pink.
SID: Hyuck hyuck hyuck, at least it wasn't the brown.
Barmaid Lush comes running out and starts mothering Gervaise.
LUSH: O you poor soul, I'll get you a jug of something special that'll make you stand up pretty quickly.
ELTON; Yes please.
