[Misc] Bullying

[Popeye]

My lady's daughter came home yesterday and told us that an older student has been bullying her relentlessly for days now and she doesn't know how to make her stop. We of course asked her if she told her teacher or someone in administration and she told us this girl told her she would 'Beat her senseless' if she told on her so that is why she hadn't. Only reason we even found out about it yesterday is my lady saw a bruise on her thigh and asked here where it came from. Eventually she broke down and told us that although most of the bullying had been just verbal, at least until that morning, and she started bawling and I wrapped her up in my arms to offer her comfort.

Took us forever but we eventually got the name of the bully, and are on our way here in a little bit to talk to the principal and the other parents about this situation. I just feel so bad that we did not notice earlier that something was wrong. We both truly did not notice anything that off about her daughter, at least nothing like this.

Are there signs we should have picked up on?

Also, anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? What are ways we can cut down on bullying in schools in general? I deffo think no adolescent should have a social media prescence to start with.

Thank you all. We both hope she will get through this and be ok in the short and long term.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Don't feel guilty. Kids hide things. You know, now, so you can take the necessary steps. Best wishes!

 

[hart's shirt]

Very sorry to hear this mate. Abuse of many kinds thrives in secrecy, so it's good that it's out in the open now.

As you say, she and you all will definitely get through this.

Here's a link to the NSPCC's 'Bullying and Cyberbullying' page. It's got a lot of info and good advice for parents.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/bullying-and-cyberbullying/

Childline have some great resources too.

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-a...LmKZeTAdTUPk5c19tNIaAugjEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Here's a couple of the videos:

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

THE MOST important thing is to be able to have a conversation about it - parent & child - 100%

Looks like you've got to this stage, which is a great start.
The next challenge is to make it go away - a sensitive approach to the principal is a great idea, ask him/her NOT to reveal the source of the allegation as your daughter is fearful of retribution.

If there is retribution, or the bullying continues, tell the principal that you will escalate the matter to the police and make it a matter for them to intervene and resolve.

Stand up to bullying MUST be the winner ...

Good luck, give her a big hug and assure her you will do your very best to make this stop ...

 

[WATFORD zero]

My lady's daughter came home yesterday and told us that an older student has been bullying her relentlessly for days now and she doesn't know how to make her stop. We of course asked her if she told her teacher or someone in administration and she told us this girl told her she would 'Beat her senseless' if she told on her so that is why she hadn't. Only reason we even found out about it yesterday is my lady saw a bruise on her thigh and asked here where it came from. Eventually she broke down and told us that although most of the bullying had been just verbal, at least until that morning, and she started bawling and I wrapped her up in my arms to offer her comfort.

Took us forever but we eventually got the name of the bully, and are on our way here in a little bit to talk to the principal and the other parents about this situation. I just feel so bad that we did not notice earlier that something was wrong. We both truly did not notice anything that off about her daughter, at least nothing like this.

Are there signs we should have picked up on?

Also, anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? What are ways we can cut down on bullying in schools in general? I deffo think no adolescent should have a social media prescence to start with.

Thank you all. We both hope she will get through this and be ok in the short and long term.

It is horrendous when it happens to your kids, but it's far more common than most people think.

There's still things that I wish I had done differently when my kids were teenager's, but growing up to be an adult isn't easy, and I don't think it will ever get any easier given a few hundred thousand years of evolution.

My kids always knew they had unquestionable love and support the moment they walked through the door and it was all they needed to deal with all that shit outside. They've managed, become adults and have happy lives. I genuinely hope your girl manages the same given your support

 

[maltaseagull]

It's horrible that you and the family have to deal with this.
It has happened to one of our Granddaughters on a lesser degree.
Hope that it gets sorted OK.

 

[The Clamp]

Make sure the school understands that bullies only stop when confronted directly, succinctly and with absolutely no ambiguity.

There is no room for pussy-footing around bullies. A hard and fast reaction is the only permanent solution.

I don’t mean violence. I mean a very, very stern response from the school. Leave the bully in no doubt; This stops right now or the police get called and charges made.

 

[Doonhamer7]

It’s not your fault theses things escalate so quickly. Good you’ve gone to school, I had a case with my son - school dealt with it very well. I also made sure the parents of the bullies knew that I was watching in case repeat or retribution happened

 

[AmexRuislip]

My lady's daughter came home yesterday and told us that an older student has been bullying her relentlessly for days now and she doesn't know how to make her stop. We of course asked her if she told her teacher or someone in administration and she told us this girl told her she would 'Beat her senseless' if she told on her so that is why she hadn't. Only reason we even found out about it yesterday is my lady saw a bruise on her thigh and asked here where it came from. Eventually she broke down and told us that although most of the bullying had been just verbal, at least until that morning, and she started bawling and I wrapped her up in my arms to offer her comfort.

Took us forever but we eventually got the name of the bully, and are on our way here in a little bit to talk to the principal and the other parents about this situation. I just feel so bad that we did not notice earlier that something was wrong. We both truly did not notice anything that off about her daughter, at least nothing like this.

Are there signs we should have picked up on?

Also, anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? What are ways we can cut down on bullying in schools in general? I deffo think no adolescent should have a social media prescence to start with.

Thank you all. We both hope she will get through this and be ok in the short and long term.

Bullying comes from cowards who get joy in humiliating others at their own expense.

At school I witnessed bullying of a friend, because of their surname, I intervened and got into a fight and into trouble.
Was worth it though, the bullying stopped.
Similarly, I've seen it in my time in the forces.
Lets just say, theres always a bigger fish in the pond than the bully!!

I hope all works out.

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

Don't feel guilty. Kids hide things. You know, now, so you can take the necessary steps. Best wishes!

First of all, hope this is quickly resolved. As HWT says, it isn’t always easy and, as a father of a teenage daughter myself, I know that they don’t always want to open up.

There is a really good advert over here around getting people talking which might make you feel a bit better about yourself.

All the best.

 

[Justice]

Bullies hunt out the victim they perceive to be weak. When it was my turn for the school bully to pick on after a few days I smashed him in the face with a tennis racket quite unexpectedly for him during a history lesson, I was quite surprised when he started blabbing like a baby.
It was the end of the matter no one came near me again. It starts with the verbal and quickly escalates to violence and has to be dealt with a language they understand.

It’s a horrible experience I feel for your girl but I think there comes a time in life when you have to be brave and face the fear how ever hard it may be otherwise you could be pushed around by others for the rest of your life.

 

[Littlemo]

My lady's daughter came home yesterday and told us that an older student has been bullying her relentlessly for days now and she doesn't know how to make her stop. We of course asked her if she told her teacher or someone in administration and she told us this girl told her she would 'Beat her senseless' if she told on her so that is why she hadn't. Only reason we even found out about it yesterday is my lady saw a bruise on her thigh and asked here where it came from. Eventually she broke down and told us that although most of the bullying had been just verbal, at least until that morning, and she started bawling and I wrapped her up in my arms to offer her comfort.

Took us forever but we eventually got the name of the bully, and are on our way here in a little bit to talk to the principal and the other parents about this situation. I just feel so bad that we did not notice earlier that something was wrong. We both truly did not notice anything that off about her daughter, at least nothing like this.

Are there signs we should have picked up on?

Also, anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? What are ways we can cut down on bullying in schools in general? I deffo think no adolescent should have a social media prescence to start with.

Thank you all. We both hope she will get through this and be ok in the short and long term.

I had similar trouble when I was at school but then I started doing martial arts, which I have kept doing on and off over the years.

It’s not about learning to fight (though you do learn how to and also how to block punches, kicks etc) my place taught me about de escalation of situations, but mainly it gave me a huge amount of confidence. That’s the thing I think, bully’s pick on those they perceive as weaker or able to be bullied - confidence goes a long long way to preventing that. I would totally recommend it for anyone.

 

[Weststander]

Sadly incredibly common, in many guises, between girls. I’ve seen the lot including telephoned death threats.

Don’t beat yourself up at all. Positives - she could tell you (many kids don’t and later harm themselves after internalising it) and you’re here ready to take action. You’re doing a good job just by listening and looking to protect her.

Any evidence of threats or violence, involve the police straight away. Any decent school will have trusty pastoral care eg counsellors.

If the worst comes to worse and the school are bloody awful (Patcham High School and an independent school in our case), moving schools can definitely work, it did for us.

Don’t be brow-beaten into accepting the hip phrase “building resilience”. For us it was used by a school into accepting that the concerted campaign of bullying and death threats was kind of okay, a toughening up to life’s realities. It has its place, within reason.

Good luck to you all.

 

[Motogull]

Sad story @Popeye but you aren't alone and have not failed your daughter at all. You are doing the right things.

Warn the school you will sue them if they do not sort this.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Bullies hunt out the victim they perceive to be weak. When it was my turn for the school bully to pick on after a few days I smashed him in the face with a tennis racket quite unexpectedly for him during a history lesson, I was quite surprised when he started blabbing like a baby.
It was the end of the matter no one came near me again. It starts with the verbal and quickly escalates to violence and has to be dealt with a language they understand.

It’s a horrible experience I feel for your girl but I think there comes a time in life when you have to be brave and face the fear how ever hard it may be otherwise you could be pushed around by others for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately, we don't all have that big hit in us.

Thankfully, infrastructures are quite good at dealing with this today, on our behalf. Not always though, so we guardians need to make sure the process completes.

The mantra I use, when on rare occasions I encounter this among my tutees is, first rule: nobody can touch me. Then, the system can be made to make me safe. It may need to be prodded, but someone can prod for you.

 

[Popeye]

Thanks for the replies friends, much, much appreciated

We just got back from the school and so to summarize our talk with the principal and other parents:

Well when we got there, our daughter didn't want to get out of the car and go into the school, she was just so scared she would run into her bully, even with us there to protect her. We did eventually get her to come with us to the principal's office so she could tell him what had been happening to her. The principal was shocked when he heard what our daughter had to say, I could see it all over his face. He asked our daughter the same we did in that why she didn't tell him sooner and when he heard about the threat, he just started shaking his head and told us to go wait and he would call us back when he talked to the bullying girl and her parents. So we waited as directed for that conversation to transpire(At this point we still had not seen what the older girl looked like).

Anyway, the principal did call us back in and when we walked into the office, there sat the other girls parents and the girl herself. Now our daughter is a tiny little thing, and this girl no exaggeration is at least a foot taller than our daughter and had a bemused look on her face like this was just beneath and/or amusing to her. I could tell my lady wanted to go over and slap her, minor or not, but just wrung her hands instead and we sat on the other side of the office.

Long story short, the principal said that the other girl was to be expelled for at least one week, and was to take a behavior improvement course this weekend at a local reform school before she was allowed to return. Also, he told her to apologize to our daughter. She did so, but we both could tell she just did it because she had too, and really didn't give a damn to be blunt. Her parents were silent throughout and didn't even apologize to us themselves. Had to keep my anger in check also before I cussed them out. Bullies get a lot of their personality as it were from the home, and I could deffo say that is the case in this situation.

Not much else happened after that, and we went home. Oh and as far as the bruise on our daughter's thigh, the principal told us in our private meeting that we can take a charge out for assault if we choose to do so. We will I believe, but with the light punishment of a one week expulsion, doubt it will amount to much.

Overall, we are not all that satisfied with what happened, and tbh are thinking about contacting the school board. Our daughter is still scared even though she knows that girl will not be there tomorrow. Just going to shower her with love and affection(Taking her to get ice cream later) and get her through this.

Again, thank you all. Ya'll are great.

 

[Zeberdi]

Very sad stories of people’s experiences here - Popeye, hope your kid works through it with your help/extra counselling if needed and you get the resolution you want. A week’s exclusion sounds like a very light punishment to me!

On a slightly different tact - A family friend’s teenage daughter committed suicide a few years ago - it was never proved as cause but she had been the victim of months of online bulling and trolling. Needless to say, it was devastating for all of us. Technology has created so many new ‘avenues’ for bullying - and while ’facing up’ to bullies IRL can involve the help of parents/guardians/teachers etc, it can be a lot harder to resolve when it is done online a/ because it’s remote bullying, sometimes collective and often under pseudonyms b/ because personal devices makes whatever happens on line potentially more intimate and personal and c/ it is a lot harder to monitor your kid’s online and texting activity than classroom/playground activity where there are other observers.

ps that’s not meant to cause anyone undue anxiety about their kids btw

 

[hart's shirt]

Long story short, the principal said that the other girl was to be expelled for at least one week, and was to take a behavior improvement course this weekend at a local reform school before she was allowed to return. Also, he told her to apologize to our daughter. She did so, but we both could tell she just did it because she had too, and really didn't give a damn to be blunt. Her parents were silent throughout and didn't even apologize to us themselves. Had to keep my anger in check also before I cussed them out. Bullies get a lot of their personality as it were from the home, and I could deffo say that is the case in this situation.

Not much else happened after that, and we went home. Oh and as far as the bruise on our daughter's thigh, the principal told us in our private meeting that we can take a charge out for assault if we choose to do so. We will I believe, but with the light punishment of a one week expulsion, doubt it will amount to much.

Overall, we are not all that satisfied with what happened, and tbh are thinking about contacting the school board. Our daughter is still scared even though she knows that girl will not be there tomorrow. Just going to shower her with love and affection(Taking her to get ice cream later) and get her through this.

There's definitely a few positives here mate.

The school's recognised the problem and taken the side of your daughter. Action has been immediate with a week's exclusion - it may seem brief, but this girl will have plenty of time to reflect on her choice of actions. And there's the opportunity for quick behaviour modification too with the course this weekend. Let's hope that it has the desired effect for all sides.

I could quite understand wanting to press an assault charge and contacting the School Board, but it may be worth having a couple of sleeps on it first before you decide either way.

As an educationalist who's worked in schools, I'd suggest following up today's meeting with a brief formal but friendly follow-up letter to the Principal thanking him for arranging the meeting and supporting your daughter. No need to comment about the other girl or sanctions here - take and stay on the high ground. The bruise could also be mentioned in this letter, ideally with appropriate photographic evidence. A request to schedule a brief follow-up private progress meeting a week or so after the other girl has returned to school would also be advisable to see whether the sanction has had some effect. If not, then proceeding to the next step with the School Board might the right thing. But I'd give the Principal and any involved staff (i.e. Pastoral Care, Form Group Tutor, etc.) the opportunity to act and intervene at this stage. The more adults in a direct position of care for your daughter that know about the bullying, the better. A collective staffroom responsibility for nipping bullying in the bud early on is usually best before antisocial behaviour becomes normalised.

Copying a local legal advisor into the letter to be held on file could give it some added gravitas at this stage without the need to escalate things further. It would also be of use in the future should there be any need to involve the School Board. In the meantime, this should provide ample motivation for the Principal and staff to stay fully engaged with your daughter's welfare.

Other than that, just document everything. You sound like you've got the love and ice-cream bit sorted already.

 

[Justice]

Unfortunately, we don't all have that big hit in us.

Thankfully, infrastructures are quite good at dealing with this today, on our behalf. Not always though, so we guardians need to make sure the process completes.

The mantra I use, when on rare occasions I encounter this among my tutees is, first rule: nobody can touch me. Then, the system can be made to make me safe. It may need to be prodded, but someone can prod for you.

Good to hear you would get laughed at by the school staff back in the 80’s if you complained about bullying. I was the lad that use to like my own company still do, I would often bunk school and go fishing unfortunately this lad who probably had issues of his own poked the bear a bit to much. I didn’t know I had it in me either tbh. Most of the time I’m the most relaxed person you could meet trouble is I don’t have a middle ground if some one upsets me or the family they are in my mind instantly the enemy and I really couldn’t care less if they got splattered by a bus, is that strange? Apparently I don’t have any empathy according to the Mrs she’s usually always right…annoyingly

 

[Justice]

Thanks for the replies friends, much, much appreciated

We just got back from the school and so to summarize our talk with the principal and other parents:

Well when we got there, our daughter didn't want to get out of the car and go into the school, she was just so scared she would run into her bully, even with us there to protect her. We did eventually get her to come with us to the principal's office so she could tell him what had been happening to her. The principal was shocked when he heard what our daughter had to say, I could see it all over his face. He asked our daughter the same we did in that why she didn't tell him sooner and when he heard about the threat, he just started shaking his head and told us to go wait and he would call us back when he talked to the bullying girl and her parents. So we waited as directed for that conversation to transpire(At this point we still had not seen what the older girl looked like).

Anyway, the principal did call us back in and when we walked into the office, there sat the other girls parents and the girl herself. Now our daughter is a tiny little thing, and this girl no exaggeration is at least a foot taller than our daughter and had a bemused look on her face like this was just beneath and/or amusing to her. I could tell my lady wanted to go over and slap her, minor or not, but just wrung her hands instead and we sat on the other side of the office.

Long story short, the principal said that the other girl was to be expelled for at least one week, and was to take a behavior improvement course this weekend at a local reform school before she was allowed to return. Also, he told her to apologize to our daughter. She did so, but we both could tell she just did it because she had too, and really didn't give a damn to be blunt. Her parents were silent throughout and didn't even apologize to us themselves. Had to keep my anger in check also before I cussed them out. Bullies get a lot of their personality as it were from the home, and I could deffo say that is the case in this situation.

Not much else happened after that, and we went home. Oh and as far as the bruise on our daughter's thigh, the principal told us in our private meeting that we can take a charge out for assault if we choose to do so. We will I believe, but with the light punishment of a one week expulsion, doubt it will amount to much.

Overall, we are not all that satisfied with what happened, and tbh are thinking about contacting the school board. Our daughter is still scared even though she knows that girl will not be there tomorrow. Just going to shower her with love and affection(Taking her to get ice cream later) and get her through this.

Again, thank you all. Ya'll are great.

You and your partner have restraint to be admired. Your daughter has been very brave that took a lot of guts for her to face the problem head on. She will probably worry about repercussions some humans are absolute scum.