Gilliver's Travels
Peripatetic
Following last night's 7-1 defeat at the hands of Huddersfield Town, supporters of Brighton & Hove Albion were today being offered support at emergency grief centres set up across the city.
Squads of specially-trained counsellors were being diverted from humanitarian operations in war and flood zones across the globe and airlifted to Gatwick in an attempt to cope with this unstoppable tide of human misery.
Weeping supporters who were queueing at one centre, still devastated by last night's drubbing, said they had now lost all sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.
"Only a few weeks ago I was certain that Russell Slade was the new Messiah, destined to lead us all into the promised land of Falmer and the Premiership," said one. "I even had his shiny pate tattooed on my chest, next to Robbie Williams. As far as I was concerned, RS could walk on water. But now, after last night's display, he can just go and do one. Do you know a place doing tat removal?"
Another said, "Coming on top of not being clapped last week by Glenn Murray, this is all too much to bear. I'm going to top myself."
Another elderly fan pleaded with him to see sense: "Look, son, in my day we would spend all our week's wages and have to take two days off work, just to travel up for a Tuesday night walloping at Halifax. Back then, the players never even noticed we were there, and all they ever wanted to do once the game was over was light up a Woodbine and neck some Red Barrel. Warm-downs? Do that kind of thing back then and they'd think you were a poof."
As he spoke, Beachy Head was being fenced off by anxious coastguards.
Russell Slade is 48.
Squads of specially-trained counsellors were being diverted from humanitarian operations in war and flood zones across the globe and airlifted to Gatwick in an attempt to cope with this unstoppable tide of human misery.
Weeping supporters who were queueing at one centre, still devastated by last night's drubbing, said they had now lost all sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.
"Only a few weeks ago I was certain that Russell Slade was the new Messiah, destined to lead us all into the promised land of Falmer and the Premiership," said one. "I even had his shiny pate tattooed on my chest, next to Robbie Williams. As far as I was concerned, RS could walk on water. But now, after last night's display, he can just go and do one. Do you know a place doing tat removal?"
Another said, "Coming on top of not being clapped last week by Glenn Murray, this is all too much to bear. I'm going to top myself."
Another elderly fan pleaded with him to see sense: "Look, son, in my day we would spend all our week's wages and have to take two days off work, just to travel up for a Tuesday night walloping at Halifax. Back then, the players never even noticed we were there, and all they ever wanted to do once the game was over was light up a Woodbine and neck some Red Barrel. Warm-downs? Do that kind of thing back then and they'd think you were a poof."
As he spoke, Beachy Head was being fenced off by anxious coastguards.
Russell Slade is 48.
