Bell Cheeses at work

[MattBackHome]

I took the liberty of taking Tesco's up on their 4 Easter Eggs for £6 last week. At £1.50 an egg, thought it was quite a good deal.

I ate two (sharing them with my work colleagues) and left two in the work fridge for this week.

Came in this morning to find that one of them has been "lifted". Whilst the money is, naturally, not a problem, it's the damn principle of the thing.

We have an egg thief!!!!

The official Bell Cheese response to thievery in the workplace is thus:

1. Complain about said thievery to all and sundry, at significant volume. Do not do any work at all until you have complained about it to each and every person in the office.
2. Send a tersely worded email to the entire building / company / galaxy with explicit details of what went missing.
3. DO NOT DO ANY WORK.
4. Assume the role of a latter day Columbo, ascertaining people's movements on the day in question.
5. Stick a note on the fridge.
6. Complain loudly again, this time that people aren't taking ti seriously enough. What if it was THEIR eggs that went missing?
7. Blame 'the cleaners'.


Sadly these things are rarely resolved. I wish you well.

 

[Papa Lazarou]

Tricky situation. Obviously the FATTY who stole the eggs is a Grade A BELL CHEESE. However, don't be tempted to send out an email, or puts notes in the kitchen about not stealing people's food, otherwise you'll stray into the BC category yourself.

Surely there's massive scope for something far more interesting... involving laxatives?

 

[narly101]

The official Bell Cheese response to thievery in the workplace is thus:

1. Complain about said thievery to all and sundry, at significant volume. Do not do any work at all until you have complained about it to each and every person in the office.
2. Send a tersely worded email to the entire building / company / galaxy with explicit details of what went missing.
3. DO NOT DO ANY WORK.
4. Assume the role of a latter day Columbo, ascertaining people's movements on the day in question.
5. Stick a note on the fridge.
6. Complain loudly again, this time that people aren't taking ti seriously enough. What if it was THEIR eggs that went missing?
7. Blame 'the cleaners'.


Sadly these things are rarely resolved. I wish you well.

Saldy I've strayed into the BC camp myself by;

1) Complaining loudly to my colleagues because I can.
2) Sellotaped up a note on the fridge door, advising the thief that I hope the fleas of a thousand camels nest in their ********.

I won't stray any further I promise.

 

[MattBackHome]

Saldy I've strayed into the BC camp myself by;

1) Complaining loudly to my colleagues because I can.
2) Sellotaped up a note on the fridge door, advising the thief that I hope the fleas of a thousand camels nest in their ********.

I won't stray any further I promise.

We all do it, don't worry. I myself bought some leftover takeaway curry in recently which stank the place out upon its reheating. This is total BC behaviour but at least we recognise it.

 

[Exile]

We all do it, don't worry. I myself bought some leftover takeaway curry in recently which stank the place out upon its reheating. This is total BC behaviour but at least we recognise it.

 

[Spicy]

Somebody does at my place. Happened again this morning, walked into one of the traps and the bowl completely stuffed with bog roll.

Some people are neanderthals.

 

[AmexRuislip]

Somebody does at my place. Happened again this morning, walked into one of the traps and the bowl completely stuffed with bog roll.

Must be the same gimps that use my work traps!

 

[WhingForPresident]

Some bellcheesery and some venting here.

Basically, the company I work for don't seem capable of sacking anyone unless they fail a drug/alcohol test, and loads of people have realised that you can be completely incompetent and get away with it. One guy in particular is the best example of this.

He has worked for the company for 15 odd years and has been moved around numerous different sectors because they seemingly can't get rid of him. The job he is currently in is completely redundant, yet he earns a good 45-50k for occasionally turning up. He is 'ill' 3 days out of 5 and 'works' in our other office a lot, so nobody ever knows if he is in or not (he usually isn't). Whenever he does get involved in something, everything instantly turns to shit.

Not to mention the fact that he is one of those people that refers to everyone as "Mr/Mrs (surname)" which is ****ing irritating. He also says "etcetera etcetera" at the end of EVERY sentence.

He sends round e-mails at 6.30am or 10pm that are utterly pointless, linking the whole of our team to something we have been working on for months with 'FYI'. My personal favourite was 'don't know if you noticed guys, but we have a new website', which we had all been involved in for 6 months +.

I don't know how true this story is (from a reliable source) but I am told that last year he strolled into the office with a Nutribullet and was drinking 5 smoothies with kale, spinach, carrots, berries 'etcetera etcetera'. Naturally, he was shitting non-stop, as you would when consuming that amount of fruit and veg in a short time period, but apparently he couldn't work out why he was shitting constantly.. He got signed off work for TWO MONTHS because he was 'waiting for test results from the doctor' Even now he is off with a bad back one week, the shits the next, a three-week bout of flu the next.. Where is the point when a company is allowed to say 'right, you're taking the piss mate'?

 

[portlock seagull]

Some bellcheesery and some venting here.

Basically, the company I work for don't seem capable of sacking anyone unless they fail a drug/alcohol test, and loads of people have realised that you can be completely incompetent and get away with it. One guy in particular is the best example of this.

He has worked for the company for 15 odd years and has been moved around numerous different sectors because they seemingly can't get rid of him. The job he is currently in is completely redundant, yet he earns a good 45-50k for occasionally turning up. He is 'ill' 3 days out of 5 and 'works' in our other office a lot, so nobody ever knows if he is in or not (he usually isn't). Whenever he does get involved in something, everything instantly turns to shit.

Not to mention the fact that he is one of those people that refers to everyone as "Mr/Mrs (surname)" which is ****ing irritating. He also says "etcetera etcetera" at the end of EVERY sentence.

He sends round e-mails at 6.30am or 10pm that are utterly pointless, linking the whole of our team to something we have been working on for months with 'FYI'. My personal favourite was 'don't know if you noticed guys, but we have a new website', which we had all been involved in for 6 months +.

I don't know how true this story is (from a reliable source) but I am told that last year he strolled into the office with a Nutribullet and was drinking 5 smoothies with kale, spinach, carrots, berries 'etcetera etcetera'. Naturally, he was shitting non-stop, as you would when consuming that amount of fruit and veg in a short time period, but apparently he couldn't work out why he was shitting constantly.. He got signed off work for TWO MONTHS because he was 'waiting for test results from the doctor' Even now he is off with a bad back one week, the shits the next, a three-week bout of flu the next.. Where is the point when a company is allowed to say 'right, you're taking the piss mate'?

It's extraordinary isn't it?! Many years ago we had a work shy office girl who ate nothing but pop, crisps and chocolate in industrial quantities and then was always off sick with a 'poor tummy', which undoubtedly was the case sometimes but it's taking the piss when you're doing it to yourself so blatantly. But she was utterly useless when in and moreover too stupid to not be seen on her sick days around town. One day we called her dentist with an 'urgent message' when she said she was there all afternoon. Guess what, no appointment that day and...YOU'RE FIRED happened next day. It was good tele as they say! Stupid cow. Anyway, don't know why I'm laughing, she's probably got 17 children living in a mock Tudor paid for by our tax these days. She was of 'that type'
let's say!

 

[studio150]

Not as silly as a girl who took a sickie after being told she couldn't take holiday only to be seen at ladies day at the races dressed up in her best outfit downing champagne and nibbles in the best of health.

It took sometime but was eventually dismissed.

 

[Billy the Fish]

Some bellcheesery and some venting here.

Basically, the company I work for don't seem capable of sacking anyone unless they fail a drug/alcohol test, and loads of people have realised that you can be completely incompetent and get away with it. One guy in particular is the best example of this.

He has worked for the company for 15 odd years and has been moved around numerous different sectors because they seemingly can't get rid of him. The job he is currently in is completely redundant, yet he earns a good 45-50k for occasionally turning up. He is 'ill' 3 days out of 5 and 'works' in our other office a lot, so nobody ever knows if he is in or not (he usually isn't). Whenever he does get involved in something, everything instantly turns to shit.

Not to mention the fact that he is one of those people that refers to everyone as "Mr/Mrs (surname)" which is ****ing irritating. He also says "etcetera etcetera" at the end of EVERY sentence.

He sends round e-mails at 6.30am or 10pm that are utterly pointless, linking the whole of our team to something we have been working on for months with 'FYI'. My personal favourite was 'don't know if you noticed guys, but we have a new website', which we had all been involved in for 6 months +.

I don't know how true this story is (from a reliable source) but I am told that last year he strolled into the office with a Nutribullet and was drinking 5 smoothies with kale, spinach, carrots, berries 'etcetera etcetera'. Naturally, he was shitting non-stop, as you would when consuming that amount of fruit and veg in a short time period, but apparently he couldn't work out why he was shitting constantly.. He got signed off work for TWO MONTHS because he was 'waiting for test results from the doctor' Even now he is off with a bad back one week, the shits the next, a three-week bout of flu the next.. Where is the point when a company is allowed to say 'right, you're taking the piss mate'?

Where can I apply?

 

[WhingForPresident]

It's extraordinary isn't it?! Many years ago we had a work shy office girl who ate nothing but pop, crisps and chocolate in industrial quantities and then was always off sick with a 'poor tummy', which undoubtedly was the case sometimes but it's taking the piss when you're doing it to yourself so blatantly. But she was utterly useless when in and moreover too stupid to not be seen on her sick days around town. One day we called her dentist with an 'urgent message' when she said she was there all afternoon. Guess what, no appointment that day and...YOU'RE FIRED happened next day. It was good tele as they say! Stupid cow. Anyway, don't know why I'm laughing, she's probably got 17 children living in a mock Tudor paid for by our tax these days. She was of 'that type'
let's say!

Brilliant. I need to think up similar somehow, I am so fed up of this guy. Judging by the reaction of the rest of the team when it was announced that he is off sick AGAIN today after being off sick from Monday to Thursday last week, I'm not the only one..

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

I took the liberty of taking Tesco's up on their 4 Easter Eggs for £6 last week. At £1.50 an egg, thought it was quite a good deal.

I ate two (sharing them with my work colleagues) and left two in the work fridge for this week.

Came in this morning to find that one of them has been "lifted". Whilst the money is, naturally, not a problem, it's the damn principle of the thing.

We have an egg thief!!!!

You'll be disappointed in your failure to carry out a full Risk Assessment prior to placing easter eggs in work fridge.

One for the Lessons Learned Review.

 

[Bigtomfu]

Brilliant. I need to think up similar somehow, I am so fed up of this guy. Judging by the reaction of the rest of the team when it was announced that he is off sick AGAIN today after being off sick from Monday to Thursday last week, I'm not the only one..

There was an urban myth floating around my office that a senior member of our tax advisory team had been signed off with stress for 4 YEARS whilst still remaining on the payroll.

He was a legal professional and knew exactly what to do to play the system.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

I thought, erroneously as it turns out, that I was going to be freed from the curse of Crisps.

Three weeks ago, on a day when I was working away, a fellow sufferer rang me excitedly, to tell me that Crisps had come in to work "Done up like Peggy ****ing Mitchell" and had taken a 'lunch break' at 10.30am. Coupled with overhearing her whining on about her job, to Noise Machine, a few days earlier, he had convinced himself that she was out at a job interview.

Idiot that I am, I allowed myself to get sucked in. She's going nowhere, the lazy, fat, useless cow.

Sake.

 

[pearl]

I thought, erroneously as it turns out, that I was going to be freed from the curse of Crisps.

Three weeks ago, on a day when I was working away, a fellow sufferer rang me excitedly, to tell me that Crisps had come in to work "Done up like Peggy ****ing Mitchell" and had taken a 'lunch break' at 10.30am. Coupled with overhearing her whining on about her job, to Noise Machine, a few days earlier, he had convinced himself that she was out at a job interview.


Idiot that I am, I allowed myself to get sucked in. She's going nowhere, the lazy, fat, useless cow.

Sake.

sounds like she's getting promotion to me

 

[Easy 10]

sounds like she's getting promotion to me

Or having an AFFAIR

 

[hans kraay fan club]

sounds like she's getting promotion to me

That is (literally) impossible.

Or having an AFFAIR

and that is just too SICK to even contemplate.

 

[pearl]

That is (literally) impossible.



and that is just too SICK to even contemplate.

each to their own!

 

[Argartu]

I know it's not the done thing in this wonderful thread, but I stumbled across this lovely little story earlier today and had to share:

"The arrogant **** in the corner, seeing out his days until retirement, regularly farts and belches, eats garlic but doesn't brush his teeth etc - this morning he farted and followed through, but hasn't noticed.
Half the office are repulsed, my half think it's hilarious but all of us are gagging at the smell.
Just before posting this, the office rent-a-gob walks in and loudly proclaims "wtf is that smell of SHIT?!", cue more stifled laughter and biting of tongues.
They've now rung a pest control firm to come out as they're convinced a dead rat is trapped somewhere.

update

Pest control arrives and knows immediately what the problem is. Management call meeting to decide who should tell him.

update #2

Company owner arrives unannounced. Management forced back to desks. Owner wants to see new system working and picks the only free computer in the office - next to ol' shitty arse. Owner develops severe case of the sniffs.

update #3

There's no such thing as HR at Shitty Arse & Co. instead we have Mick.
Mick is the warehouse supervisor. Mick is a simple, no-bullshit kind of guy. Mick likes his tea like his women - thin, white and with big tits.
I invite Mick up to the office to order new hi-vis vests. I've been putting it off for months because I don't particularly like Mick. Mick is homophobic. Mick is racist.
Mick is easy to use.
Mick walks in and everyone turns to greet him. Mick stops in his tracks and look at everyone staring at him. Mick is about to say "what are all you poofs looking at?". Except Mick is concentrating on the smell that has wafted into his nose.
Chanel no.5 it ain't.
He sizes us all up. Not the girls, just the guys. He can't decide who it is. He looks back across us again. Realised shitty arse is behind him. Swing round. Decides shitty arse indeed, has the shitty arse.
"Have you been talking a lot or have you not wiped your arse, you smelly ****?", bellows Mick. It's like a mating cry. Suddenly all the women in the office want to marry Mick.
Mick storms off in a huff, forgetting about our meeting. Shitty-arse is startled and waddles off in search of the loos.
The office applauds. There's a vibe about the place. Windows are thrown open and suddenly everyone can talk about it.
I've 10 minutes left and I'm off for fresh air."