Bell Cheeses at work

[Whitechapel]

Had my first experience of an absolute monstrous bellend of a manager yesterday.

I've had to move department at work for a couple of months to cover for somebody. This means for the next two months I have been moved in to the dispatch side of things. The company I work for sell books/CD's etc online. They employ 20-25 people per shift to pack orders. Every item is put in to a Royal Mail York (picture below for people who don't know what I mean). Each York can hold about 350 letters/packages and once they're full they are brought round to the dispatch area, where somebody sorts all the envelopes in to four colour co-ordinated trays. The tray is then taken by somebody else and put in to another York with the rest of the letters going to the same area. When that York is full it's taken outside to be collected by Royal Mail at the end of the day.

So; somebody packs book in envelope. Book comes over to the sorting area, next to the address there will be a code, for example 'B15'. Person sorting through envelopes would therefore put it in the blue tray. Blue tray gets full, somebody collects it and then drops the letter in to the B15 York. It's a pretty simple process, and with 6/7 of you working together you can do close to 10000 a day.

However there is a new shift leader in charge of Packing & Dispatch and she's had some brilliant ideas on how to improve the department, including setting a shift target of 17,500 packages sorted and dropped if there is 7 people working. Her logic is that everybody can drop 350 letters an hour, there's 7 of us and it's a 7 hour shift. 350x7x7 = 17,500.

A brilliant way to highlight you don't have a f*cking clue what you're doing is to assume that the people sorting will also be able to drop 350 items an hour. That the two people who help load 40 Yorks on to the RM lorry will also be able to drop 350 an hour. The person who has to collect full Yorks from the packers will also be able to do 350 an hour.

She also expects whoever is sorting to completely empty 8 Yorks an hour and you have a checklist so she can check on your progress. So if there's one of you doing it, she genuinely expects you to sort 350 letters by hand in 7.5 minutes. As a comparison, yesterday 3 of us managed to hit the 8 Yorks target in 58 minutes by working our utter bollocks off. But no, totally reasonable to expect 1 or 2 people to be able to manage that hour after hour.

Daft bint.


This is a York; as you can imagine it's a complete pain to empty. Especially when a lot of people who are in there from other departments on light duties due to having a bad back etc.

 

[Birdie Boy]

I work for an American company and they have recently introduced 10 minute stand up meetings. This is where a team will all stand together, entered that's in the office or in a corridor or anywhere really and each person has to say what they are doing that day and how they are getting on.
Recently an email went out to everyone explaining how important the meetings are and if you see one you shouldn't walk through the middle of them even if they are in the corridor!

Luckily my boss doesn't give a sh!t about these meetings.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

 

[Titanic]

I work for an American company and they have recently introduced 10 minute stand up meetings. This is where a team will all stand together, entered that's in the office or in a corridor or anywhere really and each person has to say what they are doing that day and how they are getting on.
Recently an email went out to everyone explaining how important the meetings are and if you see one you shouldn't walk through the middle of them even if they are in the corridor!

Luckily my boss doesn't give a sh!t about these meetings.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

Nothing is new in the world of office goonery.. we were enjoying 'huddles' in the 80's

 

[happypig]

On the subject of compulsory attendance at social functions, in 1998 I had to attend an "Induction Event" for the division I had just joined. The division was run by a complete egotist who had a reputation for promoting women who would lower themselves to shag him (he was eventually sacked for some sort of impropriety).
Anyway, it was a 2 day event held at a company building in West London and we were all put up in a local 5 star hotel.
After listening to various directors telling us how great they were and how lucky we were to work for them, we were told that Stephen (pervy MD) was hosting dinner that evening, drinks at 7, dinner at 8, free bar afterwards.
Cobblers to that, I thought. I was going to watch Chelsea v Vicenza in the EUFA Cup Winners' Cup semi final. To this end I had armed myself with some snacks (bagged from the free lunch) and 2 litres of farmhouse cider.
Just before kick-off the room phone went but I ignored it then checked the voicemail, it was one of the directors asking if I was coming to dinner.
Just after kick-off there was a knock on the door and it was one of the hotel staff asking if I was alright and was I going to dinner. I said I felt sick so was going to swerve it and shut the door.
Just before half time, the door went again, this time the hotel manager asking if I needed a doctor. I came clean and told him I didn't want to go to dinner as they weren't really my sort of people.
Heard no more of it, Chelsea won, I finished the cider, rang the Mrs and went to bed about half ten. Had a smashing nights kip.
Next day, because of the free bar, some of the attendees looked more than a bit ropey (some of them had strung it out until 4am). The MD came in and asked "who was feeling unwell last night ?"
I, the healthiest looking and feeling bloke in the room, raised my hand.

I've avoided any sort of corporate do ever since (one of them I was told the only way to get out of it was to take leave, which I did, then once it was all booked I cancelled the leave and worked on my own in the office all day.)

 

[Badger]

I work for an American company and they have recently introduced 10 minute stand up meetings. This is where a team will all stand together, entered that's in the office or in a corridor or anywhere really and each person has to say what they are doing that day and how they are getting on.
Recently an email went out to everyone explaining how important the meetings are and if you see one you shouldn't walk through the middle of them even if they are in the corridor!

Luckily my boss doesn't give a sh!t about these meetings.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

Oh yes, we have the daily "standup" which is actually quite useful until one person decides they need to go into loads of detail and start a 20 minute debate. There's one guy in my team who speaks in such a slow, monotonic way, I stop listening to what he is saying within 10 seconds. We don't have it in the corridor though, that just sounds daft.

 

[Sussex Nomad]

This pokemon craze at work is a bit embarrassing, grown kids (adults allegedly) finding them in the office!! I know of at least 4 that are hooked on it in my place of work. F*cking grow up!

 

[Postman Pat]

What you guys need to do is buy some Coaching and/or Training from me

No what I need is a shotgun and some quicklime...

I suggested killing the scrum master but I didn't know what to do with the body.

Someone suggested sticking a post-it on it and putting it as a low priority item in the backlog, we would never find it....

 

[Spicy]

Had my first experience of an absolute monstrous bellend of a manager yesterday.

I've had to move department at work for a couple of months to cover for somebody. This means for the next two months I have been moved in to the dispatch side of things. The company I work for sell books/CD's etc online. They employ 20-25 people per shift to pack orders. Every item is put in to a Royal Mail York (picture below for people who don't know what I mean). Each York can hold about 350 letters/packages and once they're full they are brought round to the dispatch area, where somebody sorts all the envelopes in to four colour co-ordinated trays. The tray is then taken by somebody else and put in to another York with the rest of the letters going to the same area. When that York is full it's taken outside to be collected by Royal Mail at the end of the day.

So; somebody packs book in envelope. Book comes over to the sorting area, next to the address there will be a code, for example 'B15'. Person sorting through envelopes would therefore put it in the blue tray. Blue tray gets full, somebody collects it and then drops the letter in to the B15 York. It's a pretty simple process, and with 6/7 of you working together you can do close to 10000 a day.

However there is a new shift leader in charge of Packing & Dispatch and she's had some brilliant ideas on how to improve the department, including setting a shift target of 17,500 packages sorted and dropped if there is 7 people working. Her logic is that everybody can drop 350 letters an hour, there's 7 of us and it's a 7 hour shift. 350x7x7 = 17,500.

A brilliant way to highlight you don't have a f*cking clue what you're doing is to assume that the people sorting will also be able to drop 350 items an hour. That the two people who help load 40 Yorks on to the RM lorry will also be able to drop 350 an hour. The person who has to collect full Yorks from the packers will also be able to do 350 an hour.

She also expects whoever is sorting to completely empty 8 Yorks an hour and you have a checklist so she can check on your progress. So if there's one of you doing it, she genuinely expects you to sort 350 letters by hand in 7.5 minutes. As a comparison, yesterday 3 of us managed to hit the 8 Yorks target in 58 minutes by working our utter bollocks off. But no, totally reasonable to expect 1 or 2 people to be able to manage that hour after hour.

Daft bint.


This is a York; as you can imagine it's a complete pain to empty. Especially when a lot of people who are in there from other departments on light duties due to having a bad back etc.

Maybe you suggest she tries to undertake her target herself, and encourage her to do so for team building reasons.

 

[Spicy]

We have had a large intake of graduates on our floor. Each is allocated a personal storage unit and has their own keys (one and a spare) - there aren't duplicate keys. One of the graduates had locked his work travel tickets in his personal storage unit, and was panicking as he needed them for a work trip, so came to my team asking who was the person with all the spare keys. You would need a big key ring to hold 150 keys to storage units!!

 

[Gwylan]

Maybe you suggest she tries to undertake her target herself, and encourage her to do so for team building reasons.

That's good advice. When I was a manager (and once I was in charge of a team of 17), I wouldn't make any member of the team do something that I wasn't able to do myself. And if there was a really boring task to do, I'd tried to share it out - and I'd take my turn too.

 

[Spicy]

That's good advice. When I was a manager (and once I was in charge of a team of 17), I wouldn't make any member of the team do something that I wasn't able to do myself. And if there was a really boring task to do, I'd tried to share it out - and I'd take my turn too.

I have done exactly the same and is a sign of a good manager.

 

[The Clamp]

I think my most hated office being is the "woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown". Usually Middle aged or slightly older, prob used to be quite fit but the years have not been kind. Probably on the wrong end of a messy divorce that she still feels bitter over, drinks a bottle of red on her own each night and hovers around the office with a permanent look of anxiety and slightly shaky hands. Makes out she's the hardest working person in the office and so very put upon. Makes out she's lived the hardest life and had the hardest of luck all her life.
At Christmas party's, after making an effort with a new M&S dress and shoes and declaring to the whole office for six months prior that she's really gonna let herself go at the party and have fun because "I deserve it after the year I've had", can often be found by the end of the night sitting on the stairs, holding her shoes and crying. Will take January off.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Mrs Fantana has recently had a baby, and I've returned to the office this week from paternity leave. Within about 20 minutes of getting back, I realised that I should have created a big FAQ board and stuck it on the path to my desk - detailing every conceivable nugget of information that people will want to know about Little Miss Fantana. Whilst swatting away endless and repetitive questions from hoards of colleagues that I've barely ever spoken to, it struck me that women in particular seemed to be totally obsessed about the birth weight of the baby - ahead of everything else, which I find odd. I mean, it's not as if you tell your parents that you've got a new girlfriend and their first question is how much does she weigh, is it?

 

[MF'84]

Mrs Fantana has recently had a baby, and I've returned to the office this week from paternity leave. Within about 20 minutes of getting back, I realised that I should have created a big FAQ board and stuck it on the path to my desk - detailing every conceivable nugget of information that people will want to know about Little Miss Fantana. Whilst swatting away endless and repetitive questions from hoards of colleagues that I've barely ever spoken to, it struck me that women in particular seemed to be totally obsessed about the birth weight of the baby - ahead of everything else, which I find odd. I mean, it's not as if you tell your parents that you've got a new girlfriend and their first question is how much does she weigh, is it?

I had looks of disgust in my direction from the office busybodies when I admitted I couldn't remember the weight of my newborn

 

[timbha]

Long discussions about favourite Christmas songs in the office today
........what's that one by that long haired band again? type questions, followed by obscure facts about each song by the in house pub quiz bore

 

[Vatican Citys No.2 Keeper]

Had my first experience of an absolute monstrous bellend of a manager yesterday.

I've had to move department at work for a couple of months to cover for somebody. This means for the next two months I have been moved in to the dispatch side of things. The company I work for sell books/CD's etc online. They employ 20-25 people per shift to pack orders. Every item is put in to a Royal Mail York (picture below for people who don't know what I mean). Each York can hold about 350 letters/packages and once they're full they are brought round to the dispatch area, where somebody sorts all the envelopes in to four colour co-ordinated trays. The tray is then taken by somebody else and put in to another York with the rest of the letters going to the same area. When that York is full it's taken outside to be collected by Royal Mail at the end of the day.

So; somebody packs book in envelope. Book comes over to the sorting area, next to the address there will be a code, for example 'B15'. Person sorting through envelopes would therefore put it in the blue tray. Blue tray gets full, somebody collects it and then drops the letter in to the B15 York. It's a pretty simple process, and with 6/7 of you working together you can do close to 10000 a day.

However there is a new shift leader in charge of Packing & Dispatch and she's had some brilliant ideas on how to improve the department, including setting a shift target of 17,500 packages sorted and dropped if there is 7 people working. Her logic is that everybody can drop 350 letters an hour, there's 7 of us and it's a 7 hour shift. 350x7x7 = 17,500.

A brilliant way to highlight you don't have a f*cking clue what you're doing is to assume that the people sorting will also be able to drop 350 items an hour. That the two people who help load 40 Yorks on to the RM lorry will also be able to drop 350 an hour. The person who has to collect full Yorks from the packers will also be able to do 350 an hour.

She also expects whoever is sorting to completely empty 8 Yorks an hour and you have a checklist so she can check on your progress. So if there's one of you doing it, she genuinely expects you to sort 350 letters by hand in 7.5 minutes. As a comparison, yesterday 3 of us managed to hit the 8 Yorks target in 58 minutes by working our utter bollocks off. But no, totally reasonable to expect 1 or 2 people to be able to manage that hour after hour.

Daft bint.


This is a York; as you can imagine it's a complete pain to empty. Especially when a lot of people who are in there from other departments on light duties due to having a bad back etc.

I am 99% certain I work in a different department at the same place as you (Will send a PM to check) and am fairly sure I know who you are on about. She's been passed around multiple departments and was generally incompetent in ours. Had heard she had only taken a few weeks to piss off people in Packing/Dispatch!

 

[Gwylan]

I mean, it's not as if you tell your parents that you've got a new girlfriend and their first question is how much does she weigh, is it?

It might be if you say you're going out with Big Hilda

 

[WhingForPresident]

Just walked into the kitchen and found this spectacular piece of shite.

Does this person have a disability based around a sick fetish for chihuahas? Are they raising awareness of a chihuaha disability?

 

[MattBackHome]

Just walked into the kitchen and found this spectacular piece of shite.

Does this person have a disability based around a sick fetish for chihuahas? Are they raising awareness of a chihuaha disability?

Oh my god that's wonderful.

I particularly like the smear of dried on tea that typifies discarded office mugs. We have ROOMS full of them here. I'll have a look and dig something out later on.

 

[smeg]

I think my most hated office being is the "woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown". Usually Middle aged or slightly older, prob used to be quite fit but the years have not been kind. Probably on the wrong end of a messy divorce that she still feels bitter over, drinks a bottle of red on her own each night and hovers around the office with a permanent look of anxiety and slightly shaky hands. Makes out she's the hardest working person in the office and so very put upon. Makes out she's lived the hardest life and had the hardest of luck all her life.
At Christmas party's, after making an effort with a new M&S dress and shoes and declaring to the whole office for six months prior that she's really gonna let herself go at the party and have fun because "I deserve it after the year I've had", can often be found by the end of the night sitting on the stairs, holding her shoes and crying. Will take January off.

HaHa