1
1066gull
Guest
I am writing this because I want to make amends for any shortcomings I have done. I also think it is really important to come out and open up about who you really are and the state of your mind because it will eat away at you and keep coming back if you don't accept it. And I've made countless mistakes in my life, which I promised myself at the time I would change and do differently. There is a certain degree that is true to that statement but you can't ultimately change the person who you are.
I've also felt pretty down at certain points in the last two years. Some of you may recall me posting here last summer and I would like to take this moment to thank everyone for the positive and helpful comments at that time.
The weird thing about growing up was that I never knew what Autism or Aspergers actually was until very recently. I mean I read about it having an affect on others by reading the paper or in the news but it wasn't something that I really thought about. I always thought it was everybody else who was in the wrong and that they had a problem with me and if I wanted somebody to like me I would work tirelessly changing the way I act or do something that will please them.
You can move address, change jobs, switch towns as many times as you like but things will never ever improve until you accept yourself. To a degree I almost feel like that is what I have done and even though its something I have just discovered about me, it is something that has always been apart of me. If I go back as far my time in school I was a good boy but I didn't do much. I'f log on the computer after school and go on my favourite internet forum and than a few months of possibly years down the line I start pretending to be something I ain't, just to be validated by people who already were my friends but by the end of it of all I am left with none.
Then I start again, which is when I came here and the process starts again. I also start my first job, knuckle down and work hard and after a short while try to be something I ain't again to look bigger and better than others. When that fails I move on to the next thing until the process keeps repeating itself as I alienate the people who are closet to me until I am left with nothing which is when I am forced to move on.
Things all started to finally change around this time last year. I was living and working in a small and busy work environment and had been for almost a year at that point. We'd have fun at work together, enjoyed after work social activities with each other and occasionally did some work. It was after the initial few months when some close people who got to know me asked if had Aspergers. In total I had three different people ask me this after they witness how upset I get when things don't go my way and my ability to overthink things quite easily over pretty much nothing. This behavior, although mostly harmless did become quite problematic on certain occasions like if I was under pressure at work to hit a certain target and I would lash out at a client or a customer. Despite enjoying the place where I worked for a year and still being friends with many people at the place I had to leave for an incident just like that. Immediately after the incident, which is when I abused a customer with a torrent of obscene language, I said it was out of character. The kind of thing politician would say I suppose who wanted to keep their job. For me though I realized it was something that was actually a true reflection of my personality and with the help my friends gave me I suppose by asking if I was Autistic started looking in to the effects and symptoms of it.
I have found out very recently now that my mum tried to get me diagnosed for Aspergers when I was six years old. I didn't know it at the time though but it does explain the extra curricular support I kept receiving throughout my education. It also now explains how I almost got expelled when I was 17 for bullying another student in my year and I suppose it also explains why I had such a problem with gambling and getting on with people on here back in 2007.
Right now I am on the waiting list to be assessed at the Neurobehavioral Clinic in Brighton. So twenty years after my mum initially tried I am in the system along with getting other mental health treatment like CBT to treat my anxiety and depression. It kinda sucks that I am not working because I am penniless and in debt for the years of troubles that I have experienced but I hope to find something to do in the very near future that will give me the same opportunities everybody else has had. I don't like to dwell on the negatives too much but I feel like not being diagnosed earlier has made me miss out on so many professional and personal goals because I failed to complete my degree, I haven't done any form of travelling which is something I have dreamed of primarily to lack of money and an impulsive personality to kind of 'have it now' and not wait for later.
I hope my story finds its way in to helping others with similar personal challenges overcoming their problems too.
I've also felt pretty down at certain points in the last two years. Some of you may recall me posting here last summer and I would like to take this moment to thank everyone for the positive and helpful comments at that time.
The weird thing about growing up was that I never knew what Autism or Aspergers actually was until very recently. I mean I read about it having an affect on others by reading the paper or in the news but it wasn't something that I really thought about. I always thought it was everybody else who was in the wrong and that they had a problem with me and if I wanted somebody to like me I would work tirelessly changing the way I act or do something that will please them.
You can move address, change jobs, switch towns as many times as you like but things will never ever improve until you accept yourself. To a degree I almost feel like that is what I have done and even though its something I have just discovered about me, it is something that has always been apart of me. If I go back as far my time in school I was a good boy but I didn't do much. I'f log on the computer after school and go on my favourite internet forum and than a few months of possibly years down the line I start pretending to be something I ain't, just to be validated by people who already were my friends but by the end of it of all I am left with none.
Then I start again, which is when I came here and the process starts again. I also start my first job, knuckle down and work hard and after a short while try to be something I ain't again to look bigger and better than others. When that fails I move on to the next thing until the process keeps repeating itself as I alienate the people who are closet to me until I am left with nothing which is when I am forced to move on.
Things all started to finally change around this time last year. I was living and working in a small and busy work environment and had been for almost a year at that point. We'd have fun at work together, enjoyed after work social activities with each other and occasionally did some work. It was after the initial few months when some close people who got to know me asked if had Aspergers. In total I had three different people ask me this after they witness how upset I get when things don't go my way and my ability to overthink things quite easily over pretty much nothing. This behavior, although mostly harmless did become quite problematic on certain occasions like if I was under pressure at work to hit a certain target and I would lash out at a client or a customer. Despite enjoying the place where I worked for a year and still being friends with many people at the place I had to leave for an incident just like that. Immediately after the incident, which is when I abused a customer with a torrent of obscene language, I said it was out of character. The kind of thing politician would say I suppose who wanted to keep their job. For me though I realized it was something that was actually a true reflection of my personality and with the help my friends gave me I suppose by asking if I was Autistic started looking in to the effects and symptoms of it.
I have found out very recently now that my mum tried to get me diagnosed for Aspergers when I was six years old. I didn't know it at the time though but it does explain the extra curricular support I kept receiving throughout my education. It also now explains how I almost got expelled when I was 17 for bullying another student in my year and I suppose it also explains why I had such a problem with gambling and getting on with people on here back in 2007.
Right now I am on the waiting list to be assessed at the Neurobehavioral Clinic in Brighton. So twenty years after my mum initially tried I am in the system along with getting other mental health treatment like CBT to treat my anxiety and depression. It kinda sucks that I am not working because I am penniless and in debt for the years of troubles that I have experienced but I hope to find something to do in the very near future that will give me the same opportunities everybody else has had. I don't like to dwell on the negatives too much but I feel like not being diagnosed earlier has made me miss out on so many professional and personal goals because I failed to complete my degree, I haven't done any form of travelling which is something I have dreamed of primarily to lack of money and an impulsive personality to kind of 'have it now' and not wait for later.
I hope my story finds its way in to helping others with similar personal challenges overcoming their problems too.
