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being a bloke is great because......



S

skr80

New member
Oct 9, 2003
482
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal











:D :D :D
 






Icy Gull

Icy Gull

Back on the rollercoaster
Jul 5, 2003
72,015
Wozza said:
Welcome to the Internet.
Click to expand...

You and Marvin should be a double act - Masters of the put down :lol:

Thought it was quite good myself :down:
 




G

Gary Nelson

New member
Jul 25, 2003
1,378
Hove
Yep not bad. Think 90% of Wozza's comments are put downs...
As with NSC protocole skr80, unless you have over 1000 posts anythign you say will nopt be deemed funny or constructive. Sorry son, but thats life.
 




Meade's Ball

Meade's Ball

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2003
13,653
Hither (sometimes Thither)
Gary Nelson said:
Yep not bad. Think 90% of Wozza's comments are put downs...
As with NSC protocole skr80, unless you have over 1000 posts anythign you say will nopt be deemed funny or constructive. Sorry son, but thats life.
Click to expand...


I hate the truth.

:(
 




Simster

Simster

"the man's an arse"
Jul 7, 2003
54,948
Surrey
Add to that:
taking a dump is an absolute pleasure.


Well it is to me anyway (except after a night on the beers and a curry)
 








Wozza

Wozza

Custom title
NSC Patron
Jul 6, 2003
24,372
Minteh Wonderland
Gary Nelson said:
As with NSC protocole skr80, unless you have over 1000 posts anythign you say will nopt be deemed funny or constructive. Sorry son, but thats life.
Click to expand...

Yes, but having 1,000 posts does not guarantee that the poster is funny/interesting - as, no doubt, you'll prove pretty darn soon.
 








S

skr80

New member
Oct 9, 2003
482
Wozza said:
No, not nearly as good.

PS Do you do requests? Can you look in your inbox to see if you have any of those 'hilarious' lists of unbelivable insurance claims/excuses that used to be emailed around? Cheers.
Click to expand...

sorry - could not find that one - but heres another for you to pass comment upon.......


Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away
 








L

London Calling

New member
Jul 10, 2003
7,223
"When the rich gather to discuss the poor, it is c
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.


Excellent
:jester:
 






Y

Yorkie

Sussex born and bred
Jul 5, 2003
32,367
dahn sarf
Here you are Wozza

Something to really complain about



>>>Subject: History Facts
>>>
>>>
>>> >The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
>the
>>>water
>>> >temperature isn't just how
>>> >you like it, think about how things used to be.
>>> >
>>> >* * * *
>>> >Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>>> >
>>> >Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
>>>bath in
>>> >May and still smelled
>>> >pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so
>brides
>>
>>>carried
>>> >a bouquet of flowers
>>> >to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
>bouquet
>>
>>>when
>>> >getting married. * * * *
>>> >*
>>> >
>>> >Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
>the
>>
>>>house
>>> >had the privilege of the
>>> >nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
>women
>>>and
>>> >finally the children-last of
>>> >all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
>actually
>>>lose
>>> >someone in it. Hence the
>>> >saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." * * * *
>*
>*
>>> >
>>> >Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
>>> >underneath. It was the only place
>>> >for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small
>>>animals
>>> >(mice, bugs) lived in the
>>> >roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the
>animals
>>>would
>>> >slip and fall off the
>>> >roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." * * * * *
>*
>>> >
>>> >There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
>This
>>>posed a
>>> >real problem in the
>>> >bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up
>your
>>>nice clean
>>> >bed. Hence, a bed with
>>> >big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
>protection.
>>>That's
>>> >how canopy beds came into
>>> >existence. * * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
>>>dirt. Hence
>>> >the saying "dirt poor."
>>> >* * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
>winter
>>
>>>when
>>> >wet, so they spread
>>> >thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
>>>winter wore
>>> >on, they kept adding
>>> >more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
>>>slipping
>>> >outside. A piece of wood
>>> >was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh
>hold."
>*
>>>* * * *
>>> >*
>>> >
>>> >In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
>>>that always
>>> >hung over the fire.
>>> >Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
>ate
>>>mostly
>>> >vegetables and did not
>>> >get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
>>>leftovers in the
>>> >pot to get cold
>>> >overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew
>had
>>>food in
>>> >it that had been there
>>> >for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
>>>porridge cold,
>>> >peas porridge in the
>>> >pot nine days old." * * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
>>>special.
>>> >When visitors came over,
>>> >they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
>wealth
>>
>>>that a
>>> >man "could bring home
>>> >the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
>and
>>>would all
>>> >sit around and "chew
>>> >the fat." * * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
>>>content
>>> >caused some of the lead to
>>> >leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This
>>>happened most
>>> >often with tomatoes, so
>>> >for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
>poisonous.
>*
>>
>>>* * * *
>>> >*
>>> >
>>> >Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
>>>bottom of
>>> >the loaf, the family got
>>> >the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." * * * * *
>*
>>> >
>>> >Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
>would
>>> >sometimes knock them out for a
>>> >couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them
>for
>>>dead and
>>> >prepare them for
>>> >burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
>>>days and
>>> >the family would gather
>>> >around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
>up.
>>>Hence the
>>> >custom of holding a
>>> >"wake." * * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >England is old and small and the local folks started running
>out
>>>of
>>> >places to bury people. So
>>> >they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
>>>"bone-house" and
>>> >reuse the grave. When
>>> >reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
>>>scratch
>>> >marks on the inside and
>>> >they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
>thought
>>>they
>>> >would tie a string on the
>>> >wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through
>the
>>>ground
>>> >and tie it to a bell.
>>> >Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
>>>"graveyard
>>> >shift") to listen for the
>>> >bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
>considered
>>>a "dead
>>> >ringer." * * * * * *
>>> >
>>> >And that's the truth... Now , whoever said that History was
>boring
>>


complete with all the little >>>>>
 




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