Anyone know any REALLY GOOD one line jokes?

[smelly]

I couldn't believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a lollipop man.

But all the signs were there

 

[banjo]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

[banjo]

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

 

[1901Phil]

I have never been to bed with an ugly women but I have woken up with a few

 

[Colossal Squid]

I know a really good online joke...

Crystal Palace | CPFC Scores, News, Transfers, Fixtures

 

[bomber130]

What do you call a bag of Cxxts, Clitoris allsorts
I don't have tourettes "Your just a Cxxt
Whats a dyslexics favourite game "Scrab a dab a dabble"

 

[Dave the OAP]

I went to the doctor and said I felt like a spoon...he told me to sit in the corner and not to stir

 

[Smythe]

Stewart Francis, one of the best in 1-liners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH5XubGKLA

Going to see him in Guildford in a couple of weeks, he's quality, he's in Hastings too next week and at the Dome on 16th June

 

[AgerBomb22]

Getting Oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing. You should never look down

 

[Durlston]

I got caught snorting cocaine and skimming through the newspaper. I said I was just reading between the lines.

 

[daib0]

appeared elsewhere but I like 'em - mind you some are two lines!:


A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen - the London police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !!!!!!


Someone asked me the other day, what time do Millwall kick off? - About every ten minutes I replied ...


Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall - one was a salted


Wayne Rooney lost fifty quid at the bookies the other day, betting that Frank Lampard would miss with a penalty ,,, he then lost another fifty quid betting on the TV replay.


Derby Manager Nigel Clough was furious on Saturday when he caught a couple of young lads trying to climb over the stadium wall. He went apesh*t ... grabbing them by their coat collars he screamed, "Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes like I have too."



With Man City crashing out of the Champions League, FA Cup the Carling Cup, and now conceeding league title to their neighbours, I wonder if Mancini will quit. I don't think so ... I mean it's not like an Italian to abandon a sinking ship.

 

[Trelford Mills Guide Dog]

An investigation has opened in to a fire at the Emirates Stadium.
... Police suspect Arsene.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I was driving through Yellowstone National Park, on the lookout for some bears, when I noticed a sign saying "Bear Left", so I turned around and went home.

 

[Seagull on the wing]

A bear goes into a bar and says to the barman" I'll have a...........................................................Stella please.
The Barman says..."Why the big pause?

 

[Seagull on the wing]

Just got a parcel from Holland...opened it up and found a plastic Vagina
I thought that's nice...Two lips from Amsterdam!!

 

[Seagull on the wing]

See they've got a new TV show starring Fern Britton and Chris Tarrant...it's called Brittons got Tarrant!

 

[Seagull on the wing]

Got taken to court for smacking the wife...The judge said,"Why do you keep beating your wife?"
Think it's down to my longer reach,weight advaantage and superior footwork my Lud'

 

[Seagull on the wing]

Started a new business,coverted my loft into a workshop and made Bespoke Yachts..it's going well,sails are going through the roof!

 

[Seagull on the wing]

How do you make a bear cross...lay one across the other and nail them together!

 

[Seagull on the wing]

Was out walking the other day when a bag of cheese smacked me on the head...I thought that's not very mature...