A thread full of PETER GRIFFIN quotes

[Easy 10]

Peter Griffin Quotes (Page 4) - TV Fanatic

Marvellous site. I could watch this show all day.


Peter: Chris, how are all your friends at school?
Chris: What do you care, you don't even know who my friends are.
Peter: Sure I do... Chandler... Fonzy... and Remington Steele?
Chris: You got lucky, dad.

Peter: Richard. Hey Richard. Can I get your autograph?
Richard Dreyfus: Fine. You have a pen and paper?
Peter: What do I look like a Staples? I don't carry that stuff around.
Richard Dreyfus: Look I'm sorry I can't help you.
Peter: What you're too big and famous to go to the corner drug store and pick up a pen and paper and possibly some other groceries I need and come back and sign several things for me? You're a jerk.

Peter: Lois, you have a grey hair.
Lois: What?
Peter: Inch and a half left of your part.
Lois: Oh my god, you're right.
Peter: You know I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat.
Lois: Screw you Peter.
Peter: Wow, not today.

Peter: Does he have maybe a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe: Well, yes, but she's only 12.
Peter: Like a young 12 or a "she eats a lot of milk product so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is a real thing by the way.

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.

Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.

Lois: (opens Chris's closet) What the hell!? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or hers fault. Who does he or she think he or she is. Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter: You're right, we've got to find this Marilyn Manson and I've gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?
Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.
Joe: Shoot.
Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?
Joe: Deal with what?
Peter: You know, with being retarded.
Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped.
Peter: Oh, well now you're just splitting hairs


Peter [on the phone]: Hello, Sally, h-hey, it's Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah, it's been a while, yeah. So, uh, listen, uh, I just found out I'm retarded, and, um, I'm just calling to let you know that, uh, you might want to get yourself tested....Hello?...Hello?
Lois: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter: Well, excuse me for being retarded

Peter: I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken

Lois: If you kids don't knock it off, we're not goin' to McDonald's after church.
Meg and Chris: MOM!
Peter: Don't worry. We're goin'. B-B-But you don't get the Supersize.
Chris: OH!
Peter: Okay, you can Supersize. But no apple pie!
Meg: Oh, come on!
Peter: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it

Peter: Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining. [pause] But, um...you know, I don't know where I'm going with this

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld

 

[Titanic]

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"

"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World." [/FONT]

 

[New Carpet?]

Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.

Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.

Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green...

Brian Griffin: Those are colors.

 

[Easy 10]

Peter: Huh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No no, she.....yeah

 

[Easy 10]

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-woah, I almost walked right into that one

Peter: When I'm done, our students will be so smart, they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.


Peter: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
Brian: More stupid then that time you locked your keys out of the car?
(Cut to Peter inside the car with his keys lying outside his car door.)
Peter: Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Sir! Sir! Sir! You see those keys there? Sir! Si-! (man walks away) Screw you! (Sticks a bent straight hanger out of his window and trys to catch the keys on the hanger. The keys fall.) Oh waahhaahaaa!


Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.


Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

 

[gripper stebson]

A work of modern comedy genius that show. Me love it.

 

[gripper stebson]

Not really a quote but I LOVED Peters 'ScareJew' he installed in the garden to keep salesmen away. How they get away with it is beyond me.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

"Carlos Spicyweiner here, go ahead"

 

[The Ringleader Returns!]

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
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Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."
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Peter: Hey, What's His Name?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. No Seriously What Is It?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. Hey Dick, What's Your Wife's Name? Vagina Coastguard?

 

[Scotty Mac]

 

[Guy Fawkes]

[yt]2WNrx2jq184[/yt]

 

[astill86]

"Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I'm not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot".

 

[Acker79]

Peter: Well, one of us is gonna have to change.