A thread full of made up jokes

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

I listened back to some classic Adam and Joe podcasts where they asked people to send in their made up jokes.

So I invite NSC to do the same. I find the tip is to start at a phrase/saying and work backwards.

Often the more convoluted, over-complicated route to the punchline, the better.

For example:

"Why would a military constructed building for defence of territories be the best in the numbers game on Countdown?"
"Because it's the fort that counts"

GO! (I expect this to die on it's arse)

 

[BBassic]

You hear about the former policeman who's opened a brothel? Called it 'Long Arm of the Whore'

 

[Jack Straw]

One of my pet snakes isn't eating. I think I've got a reptile dysfunction.

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

What's the best sport to play on a Saturday night, at a time roughly just before Match of the Day starts?

Tennish

 

[narly101]

How much does it cost an Essex bird to wash her hair?

Pantene.

 

[narly101]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

-------

What do you get with surprise pees?

Wet legs.

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

Why was Johhny Nash happy when his mistress Claire Lee killed his wife, Lorraine?

He can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

 

[BBassic]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

 

[Sussexscots]

Ten cows are standing in a field. Which one is nearest to Iraq?

Cow eight

 

[AmexRuislip]

How will Donald Trump deport Mexicans from USA?

Juan by Juan

 

[Prince Monolulu]

My dog's got no nose.

Barbados?

 

[AmexRuislip]

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencil Vania

 

[AmexRuislip]

The other night I watched this clown with joke hair running about totally embarrassing himself, bumping into people, being a complete dick and not terrorising anybody.

Why did Southgate bring on Rooney.

 

[Luke93]

A lesbians motto.

 

[Taybha]

It's £12 to enter sir .

 

[SouthCoastOwl]

Why do anarchists use tea bags?

'Cause all property is theft.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

It's £12 to enter sir .

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

Remember, if they are not made up by you then you are only cheating yourself.

I got stopped by the police the other day. After a slight argument the policeman grabbed me arms and CUFFED me. I couldn't believe it.
I was desperate to be let go. I begged and begged and soon got into bribing. I managed to fish out a £20 note but the policeman wasn't interested. I then grabbed a Tenner. Still nothing.
"All I've got are these 10 and 20p's officer" I exclaimed.

"That'll do" the policeman said, and he undid the cuffs.

Turns out change is as good as arrest.

 

[studio150]

If you want to feel better-looking and increase your self-esteem.....



move to Croydon.

 

[Mr Bridger]

Elton John is much like the 2 bedroom flat I rent out,

He comes fully FURNISHed.