A little joke for Tuesday

[seagull over spain]

Two men are eating dinner at a restaurant. Suddenly, a pretty young lady in a dress at the next table starts choking on a piece of food.

After observing her distress for a few seconds, one of the men goes over, stands the girl up, lifts up her dress, and licks her right on the bottom. Totally startled by this treatment, the girl coughs out the food and is soon breathing normally.

The man turns back to his amazed friend and says, "I don't know why, but that hind-lick manoeuvre works every time."

 

[Wozza]

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

What d'you call a man with a rabbit stuck up his arse?





























Warren.

 

[Lush]

Eddie - you really didn't need to leave that big gap between the joke and the answer...

 

[Soton Seagull]

I've seen the standard above, this will fit right in.....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse.)

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked?

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

That is appaling Soton.



Sorry Lush - thought it would add to the suspense??!

 

[Biscuit]

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

good lord help us.

 

[Barnet Seagull]

3 apples in the road

1 was a Bramley

 

[Lammy]

3 apples in the road

1 was a Bramley

Either I don't get it or it's just toooo shit to continplait!

 

[Superphil]

2 chickens walking along the road, one looks across to the other side, the other says "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

 

[Mr C]

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

Or am I the only one who laughed at that?

 

[Northstander]

Has NSC finally come to this!!!

 

[TrevorDove]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. “

 

[NMH]

In keeping with the quality of these aged chestnuts;

Cyril the squid is swimming along the ocean, and he tells his squid pal Inky "you go ahead, I'm not feelin all that well and will slow you down", so Inky scoots off into the distance.
A little way further and a nasty looking shark comes along to chomp on some hapless sea creatures....and Cyril is too knackered to get away and surrenders himself.
Sheldon (the shark) asks Cyril "why didn't you try and escape?"
"I'm very ill, not feeling at all like swimming anywhere fast - I just can't escape and you'll easily be able to catch me anyway" Cyril squid replied.
"well why not hitch a ride onto my dorsal fin, hang on tight and I'll take you across the ocean" said Sheldon.
"why that is incredibly kind, I appreciate this very much" says a surprised Cyril - and they travel several sea miles together.......until they come to another big shark.
"Hi Shane" says Sheldon, "here's that sick squid I owe you"

 

[El Presidente]

A bloke (let's call him Richie) goes to the doctor with a problem with his todger.

The doctor takes one look at it, shakes his head and tells the bloke he has a sexually transmitted disease and has six months to live.

The bloke says "How can that be, I have never had sex with a woman, and the only pleasure I get is shagging the exhause pipes of 42 ton lorries"

Doctor replies " Sorry mate, you are HGV Positive"



Boom






















Boom

 

[Crazy Cornish Gal]

 

[¡Cereal Killer!]

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."