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I'm pleased to see you owning up to poor spelling. For a moment I feared you had signed up to the culture of AB InBev and SABMiller, where the term "draft" seems to have a life of its own.

Draft? What is draft?

I know of at least one case where a GP certified that an old man with Alzheimer's was "safe to drive". For why? Because the local bus service had been cut. All this only came to light after he had killed a colleague of mine and drove off without noticing that he had crashed into her and her bike.

I remember Gary Hart saying that, if you're a fork lift truck driver, it's not a bad thing if you can interrupt your career with a few years playing professional football.

This story is THREE WEEKS OLD. If this is what passes for "Breaking News" on NSC, we are all doomed. Bozza out! THPP out!

Its mother was called Rachel and its dad was Jacob.

I once shared a house with two cats who were called Prakriti and Purusha. They were Hindus. My mum had a Jewish cat called Miriam. Whatever you do, when you choose a pet, avoid fundamentalists. They can only be troublesome.

There's a great big painted sign on the road. It says something along the lines of YOU C***

It's undoubtedly the case that Peter Ball impressed many people with his apparent saintliness. I know that for a fact, since he spent some of his time leading his religious community from a cottage in Firle. He and his monks were highly thought of locally and no-one suspected what was going...

Indeed. But the time is just right for public opinion to shift in the direction of sympathy towards perpetrators whose guilt is far from proved. One thing that will help that shift would be a series of inaccurate rumours being debunked. I strongly suspect that the "member of the royal family"...

I'm not sure that being a tenant of the Duchy of Cornwall (which is a status held by thousands of people in South West England) is the same thing as "having a property bought for you by Prince Charles".

When I lived in Italy, I used to play chess in one of the local bars. It was a terrifying experience for the simple reason that, like all Italian bar games, it was played in front of a knowledgeable audience who would take a sharp intake of breath every time there was a hint of a mistake by any...

Or a warm fridge.

Good to see that Alan B'Stard is alive and well. What's today's equivalent of the "Hang Nelson Mandela" t-shirt?

They might consider rebranding the overpriced sticky drink as Llwchassaid, of course.

The wally with the brolly. Obviously.

Closer to home is Lewes, twinned with Blois in France. But this isn't enough to stop many of the locals pronouncing the street that celebrates this pairing BLOYS Road.

That's a good one. Chezzem Boys or Chesh-um Boys?

Io parlo italiano e pronuncio la parola inglese LIE-DOE

The rule does at least save the very best English players from the embarrassment of being associated with the English national rugby team.