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I was working late last night when I received this text from my wife: 'Thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.' As I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again, call this number." "Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded. I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

and the other

Sometimes it is a bit strange doing the Goldstone v Amex thing as the Goldstone was our home for many a year, so people have far more memories from those days and they are often rose tinted etc. Such as, I am sure people forget the fact that the facilities where third world at best and it was a...

Your crack dealer?

I ordered my tickets for this game and take the two kids and Mrs Surrey Seagulls. I would say the £7.00 booking fee is a bit steep if I may.

I saw the weather girl Sian Lloyd shopping in Boots today. She was buying Ambre Solaire and a pack of Tampax. Apparently she's expecting sunny periods

I would say though it is on of the few jobs where you can be constantly sacked for failure and yet still come smelling of roses and be rewarded with yet another lucrative contract by chairman chasing the dream.

See we are hoping for D/L to kick in to secure the victory. Too much pressure to win by scoring more rune than them

Is that down to it being nearly impossible to rip up your season ticket these days. Probably need a pair of scissors :-)

Given he left Celtic due to budgets he isn't going to come here with our budgets. He will hit the ceiling before he even gets here. Needs to go somewhere like Forest, QPR where budgets don't seem to matter

Didums Yaya. Your agent has made you look a complete an utter prick.

I got dead bored and I left

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave when I saw some grave diggers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself , these blokes have lost the plot!

Well according to the official site the crowd was 27,118. Which was less than Blackpool!!!!

also the fact that no one I the North went mental at the Ref might have been a dead give away. I don't think I have seen such a clear cut penalty in a long long time.

Taking the half day off work and travelling down from Guildford for the day. Glad it is Friday night for a few reasons. 1. We get the chance to put a lot of pressure on Reading, Forest, Ipswich and Bournemouth by getting a victory in advance of their games 2. Atmosphere under the lights is...

Done and dusted

Shame for such a wonderful club.

He thought by admitting his guilt earlier before he was arrested he would get away with just paying the back taxes and fines but the Bavarian government chose a judge who purposely doesn't like rich people thinking they can get away with breaking the law by just paying up and getting a slapped...