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We can't read, and we can't write Wear Elizabeth Duke and Nikes We are all from Whitehawk And we're a bunch of Pikeys

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Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, thousands of Brighton Residents participated last week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine's Day. A ritual as old as time itself, this year's pubis-shearing is expected to be...

The allocation rules are simple so no grumbling. Luckily there's an ex-member of HPAC at the ticket office, so we managed to circumnavigate the system after winning honours when we planted the flag at one of Exeter's top pubs a few weeks ago. Tickets are given out as follows (after HPAC of...

Palace memories should be of some top toe to toe, generals commanding the troops, capturing and planting the flag in enemy turf and boozers, knuckledusters, outmanoevring the OB, naughty boys being naughty but still observing the rules (no scarfers, no birds, no kids getting in the line of...

I can't stand my sister's kids and they always come round on New Year's Eve. I therefore exposed myself outside a local primary school and got put on the sex offender's register. Having neighbours shove dog excrement through my letterbox every day is a small price to pay for not having to see...

A few nights out with Peacehaven Pete and Dave the Armadillo is what he needs.

It's not just Big Vern, Peacehaven Pete, Armadillo Dave, Scratchcard and me who have come out of retirement recently. Can't beat Michael Caine, proud to be British he is, knows how to deal with lowlife too. God Bless the Queen Mum (and Cass Pennant).

I would of course much rather be with four members of the HPAC Peacehaven Pete (animal after just a couple of J2O's) Uncle Monty (Never flushes pub toilets on principle, leaves the bangers and mash for the person after him to sort out) Big Vern (Fourth Dan in Chinese Burns, needs I say any...

My Northern correspondent suggests that it will be full works, toe to toe, and may the best Englishman win, as it should be. Peacehaven Pete may be going as an official observer of the HPAC provided he can get a new tyre for the Mondeo. Remember the rules, no scarfers, no LOL's (Little Old...

Sorry pups I think it's because the HPAC are back out of retirement, and the OB are trying to restrict our activities, especially now that Peacehaven Pete has had the Mondeo serviced and Uncle Monty has had the restraining order from his Ex-Missus rescinded. Suffice to say, and this is strictly...

Was originally 12,000 son, but when they heard that Big Vern, Peacehaven Pete, Scratchcard, Uncle Monty, Armadillo Dave and myself were planning a welcoming party 2,000 of them filled their trolleys with the brown stuff and did a no show. God Bless the Queen Mum

Mine's my winkle, flaccid, of course. God bless the Queen Mum

Dunno mate, but in 1983, in what was proved to be the Albion's final game in the top flight, we planted the flag in one of the Norwich pubs as a defiant gesture. Uncle Monty, Peacehaven Pete, Dave the Armadillo and I set off in an unmarked lime green Morris Marina to avoid the OB who had heard...

Lacoste with the facemask to prevent any OB eyeballing him, Big Vern Stone Island black with Adidas Samba's, Armadillo Dave Respect

Fair play to the Leeds boys. Earlier in the week, a few calls were made between retired generals. Comparing notes, reliving times and laughing as some serious Toe to Toe from days gone by. They said, out of respect mind, they would be sending a scouting party of pups down for a minor rumble...

Don't worry, after the toe to toe fun yesterday Big Vern, Uncle Monty, Armadillo Dave and I have decided to extend our fun and games with the oppos for a month. Expect to see some ketchup spilled on Saturday in the name of Brighton, know what I mean. Scratchcard is planning a pincer movement on...

That is pretty decent, given that our comments seem to always revolve around Slade/DK/White/Booker out whenever we lose, and never give the opposition any credit.

Less lip you mugs. If it wasn't for the like of me and Uncle Vern Brighton would have no rep, and we all benefit from being top of the table in the naughty boy stakes. I've suffered for you lot in the past, and you should show some respect. Only last year I watches Ross Kemp's 'Britain's...

I've never seen him start a BN3 thread :down: