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[Help] Help with possible dementia







Eric the meek

Eric the meek

Fiveways Wilf
NSC Patron
Aug 24, 2020
7,023
Good luck with it @Bozza.

I've little to add to what I wrote earlier, other than it sounds like you're going through the worst of it now. In my Mum's case, over time, the same paranoia was slowly replaced by her becoming a lovely, gentle old woman.

I hope the same will apply to your Mum.
 


E

essbee1

Well-known member
Jun 25, 2014
4,695
Eric the meek said:
Good luck with it @Bozza.

I've little to add to what I wrote earlier, other than it sounds like you're going through the worst of it now. In my Mum's case, over time, the same paranoia was slowly replaced by her becoming a lovely, gentle old woman.

I hope the same will apply to your Mum.
Click to expand...
I'm in the same boat Eric. Mercifully, my Mum is not someone as I've seen in some, where they simply go
walkabout.
 


Saladpack Seagull

Saladpack Seagull

Just Shut Up and Paddle
Oct 19, 2014
1,929
Halfway Up Virginia Is Where I Wanna Be.
As a retired dementia care and support worker and one whose parents both had dementia, I can endorse what Zeberdi wrote about distraction techniques. It's not an easy thing to master as you have to remain calm about the immediate situation and be convincing about the distraction topic. The more you do it, the better you'll become at it. It is, of course, just one of the many things you must get to grips with, and none of it is easy. I wish you all the best in a very tough situation for you and your family. Take care.
 


Eric the meek

Eric the meek

Fiveways Wilf
NSC Patron
Aug 24, 2020
7,023
essbee1 said:
I'm in the same boat Eric. Mercifully, my Mum is not someone as I've seen in some, where they simply go
walkabout.
Click to expand...
After we had got her into a home, we were going through my Mum's things. We found a letter from Iceland (the store, not the country), telling her she was banned.

We also found a load of stuff from the Park View pub in Preston Park, telling her to refrain from bumming drinks off the customers. I suspect they also banned her, but found that it didn't work. If you've got dementia, you don't remember that you're banned, do you? So you keep going back to the nice, warm friendly place where the drinks are free.

Nice one Mum (y)

Edit: My apologies to all those going through it now, and who may think it was a bit crass of me to write that. My intention was to show that you do come out the other side, and the stress and grief is replaced by fond memories. I hope I did the right thing.....
 
Last edited:




Weststander

Weststander

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2011
69,138
Withdean area
Cheeky Monkey said:
Vascular dementia is largely preventable (apparently) by keeping a healthy blood pressure through middle age (40-60) keeping a lid on excess alcohol and not eating too much crap. It's no use them prescribing blood pressure meds once you have VD as the damage is long done, and the less said about Memantine the better in my dad's experience anyway, absolutely useless, he may as well have been consuming Smarties such was his unstoppable mental decline with VD.
Click to expand...

Smoking, high cholesterol foods, diabetes also big causes/risk factors.
 


BrightonCottager

BrightonCottager

Well-known member
Sep 30, 2013
2,741
Brighton
Eric the meek said:
After we had got her into a home, we were going through my Mum's things. We found a letter from Iceland (the store, not the country), telling her she was banned.

We also found a load of stuff from the Park View pub in Preston Park, telling her to refrain from bumming drinks off the customers. I suspect they also banned her, but found that it didn't work. If you've got dementia, you don't remember that you're banned, do you? So you keep going back to the nice, warm friendly place where the drinks are free.

Nice one Mum (y)

Edit: My apologies to all those going through it now, and who may think it was a bit crass of me to write that. My intention was to show that you do come out the other side, and the stress and grief is replaced by fond memories. I hope I did the right thing.....
Click to expand...
That made me laugh - I wondered if she ever bummed a drink off me in the PV.

Thanks @Zeberdi for liking my post back in March or May as it brought me back to this thread. My mum is settled in the home now and still recognises me and my daughter when we visit. She's safe, clean, fed well and has more social contact than for the last 24 years. She gets a gent in there confused with me although he does looks like my Dad (!). The staff are great. Some of the other residents recognise me and I have a chat with them. I've been flashed at my one of the old dears in there. Yay.

I'm now trying to sell my mum's house to pay for her care home fees. She would be mortified if she realised but I've always said to her that that is why her and my dad saved all their lives (for a rainy day). I'm resigned to the Autumn Budget IHT reforms taking anything left over when my mum goes.

I'm still trying to sort out my mum's financial affairs. Every single bank, building society, ISA provider, National Savings & share administrator has had different requirements for registering a PoA and me proving my identity. Some have lost the documents I've sent them, either permanently or for months. Others have claimed I've not sent them all the documents when there's only one A3 document to send them which I had. If you can persuade your loved ones to simplify their financial affairs before you need to use a PoA, then please do. I'm going to do it for myself.

I remain happy to help anyone else going through this.
 


jcdenton08

jcdenton08

Offended Liver Sausage
NSC Patron
Oct 17, 2008
14,345
Very sorry to hear this @Bozza

My own Mum, having lost the love of her life my Dad some years back, has been slowly losing mental clarity. A CT scan showed signs of the frontal lobe degenerating and she is increasingly forgetful. She’s now on the Memory Pathway and I’m doing my best to keep her mind and body active. Although I realise things are only going to get worse from here.

Really it was Dad’s passing that did for her, the change was so sudden and been downhill since. A broken heart is a terrible, terrible thing.
 




BrightonCottager

BrightonCottager

Well-known member
Sep 30, 2013
2,741
Brighton
Sorry to hear about this @Bozza . I'm in the process of selling my mum's house and am still finding things she squirreled away in odd places. There's a lot of experience and good advice on this thread and on the Alzheimers Socerty website and messageboard (not as entertaining as NSC though)!

I came across the Alzheimers Society sponsored Memory walk on Sunday on the prom - think ill do it next year.
 


Bozza

Bozza

You can change this
Helpful Moderator
Jul 4, 2003
57,222
Back in Sussex
Another day, another challenge...

Her false teeth got lost when she was in hospital so, when she came home we got that sorted out - 4 or 5 visits to the dentists over a fair few weeks and we finally had a new set.

This morning they are gone. I've searched everywhere. My concern is she flushed them down the toilet, and we're back to square one - no teeth for a while and we have to go through the whole process again.

And, of course, in her mind someone has taken them from her.
 


Zeberdi

Zeberdi

“Vorsprung durch Technik”
NSC Patron
Oct 20, 2022
6,813
Bozza said:
Another day, another challenge...

Her false teeth got lost when she was in hospital so, when she came home we got that sorted out - 4 or 5 visits to the dentists over a fair few weeks and we finally had a new set.

This morning they are gone. I've searched everywhere. My concern is she flushed them down the toilet, and we're back to square one - no teeth for a while and we have to go through the whole process again.

And, of course, in her mind someone has taken them from her.
Click to expand...
I presume you checked her handbag!?

Sounds incredibly stressful for you 😓
 




Cheshire Cat

Cheshire Cat

The most curious thing..
Nov 4, 2006
11,832
Sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off...
Cheeky Monkey said:
Vascular dementia is largely preventable (apparently) by keeping a healthy blood pressure through middle age (40-60) keeping a lid on excess alcohol and not eating too much crap. It's no use them prescribing blood pressure meds once you have VD as the damage is long done, and the less said about Memantine the better in my dad's experience anyway, absolutely useless, he may as well have been consuming Smarties such was his unstoppable mental decline with VD.
Click to expand...
No it isn't.
 


Cheshire Cat

Cheshire Cat

The most curious thing..
Nov 4, 2006
11,832
Sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off...
Mrs Cat has been in a nursing home since January with vascular dementia (aged 63), and will never come home. She hasn't recognised me for at least two years, doesn't know who she is, where she is, why she is there, and her language abilities are slowly declining so she can't hold a proper conversation. She can't walk unaided, is doubly incontinent, and needs to be helped to eat and drink.

Her savings are rapidly diminishing due to the ongoing cost.

At least the paranoia has gone, although that might be due to the medications.

If and when you get to the stage that you can't cope any longer and need help, there is no shame in placing somebody in a home - although you won't think that at the time.
 


Flounce

Flounce

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Nov 15, 2006
4,218
Bozza said:
Another day, another challenge...

Her false teeth got lost when she was in hospital so, when she came home we got that sorted out - 4 or 5 visits to the dentists over a fair few weeks and we finally had a new set.

This morning they are gone. I've searched everywhere. My concern is she flushed them down the toilet, and we're back to square one - no teeth for a while and we have to go through the whole process again.

And, of course, in her mind someone has taken them from her.
Click to expand...
My mum kept wrapping her hearing aid in a napkin and leaving it with her half eaten food, found it a few times but eventually it was lost. Same problem with her bridge and false teeth :down:

She didn’t give a shit either, but she did like the care home and the people who ran it, small mercies.

She had told me before her stroke that if I ever put her in a home she’d come back and haunt me. Still feel guilty.
 




clapham_gull

clapham_gull

Legacy Fan
Aug 20, 2003
25,856
Bozza said:
Another day, another challenge...

Her false teeth got lost when she was in hospital so, when she came home we got that sorted out - 4 or 5 visits to the dentists over a fair few weeks and we finally had a new set.

This morning they are gone. I've searched everywhere. My concern is she flushed them down the toilet, and we're back to square one - no teeth for a while and we have to go through the whole process again.

And, of course, in her mind someone has taken them from her.
Click to expand...

No consolation to know people like me have been through the same but we have. Mine in quite an extreme short period that lead to bereavement.

My experience was highly concentrated, I wonder what we would have had to deal with over a longer period.

If comparison is worthless, empathy is everything.

You'll be the better person for it, because you'll be able to extend to others.

Love from Balham.
 


Bozza

Bozza

You can change this
Helpful Moderator
Jul 4, 2003
57,222
Back in Sussex
*puffs out cheeks*

I'm not looking for any kind of response from anyone, more just posting in case it helps anyone else either now, or at some point in the future.

This stuff is so f***ing tough.

About a week ago a dementia nurse visited and, with my mum in the lounge, we went to her room for a quick chat about a few things. Whilst we were talking, I just happened to look over their shoulder and saw the photos of ky kids and my sister's kids, and I just lost it immediately. I probably needed a good cry to get it all out, and that was the trigger.

I'm sitting at my mum's as I type this, and she's just returned from her room with two plastic bags full of stuff she doesn't think is hers and she wants to throw away. There's some clothes and other bits and pieces, but also a fair bit of jewellery - likely costume jewellery of no real value, but the sort of stuff she loves. But also, lots of photos - her last dog, my sister at her graduation and school photos of all the grandchildren I mentioned above.

She's just told me that when I go back to my new family she'll sell the house. I think she's somehow confusing me with my father - they divorced about 25 years ago.

I'll take the stuff home, with all the other things she wanted rud of that I've taken home, but it feels like the sort of clean out that I know people have to do when their parents pass away, only she hasn't passed away - she's just gradually purging all of her possessions.
 


Motogull

Motogull

Todd Warrior
Sep 16, 2005
10,442
Bozza said:
I think she's somehow confusing me with my father - they divorced about 25 years ago.

.... only she hasn't passed away ...
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No consolation, but you are not alone. My old man knows I am a relative, but cunningly does not tell me which one. I might be brother, son or nephew. I don't mind.

For years I have described meeting him as conversing with his ghost. It is him, but it isn't him.

As sad as it is, I am at peace with the situation.
 


Deadly Danson

Deadly Danson

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Oct 22, 2003
4,592
Brighton
Bozza said:
*puffs out cheeks*

I'm not looking for any kind of response from anyone, more just posting in case it helps anyone else either now, or at some point in the future.

This stuff is so f***ing tough.

About a week ago a dementia nurse visited and, with my mum in the lounge, we went to her room for a quick chat about a few things. Whilst we were talking, I just happened to look over their shoulder and saw the photos of ky kids and my sister's kids, and I just lost it immediately. I probably needed a good cry to get it all out, and that was the trigger.

I'm sitting at my mum's as I type this, and she's just returned from her room with two plastic bags full of stuff she doesn't think is hers and she wants to throw away. There's some clothes and other bits and pieces, but also a fair bit of jewellery - likely costume jewellery of no real value, but the sort of stuff she loves. But also, lots of photos - her last dog, my sister at her graduation and school photos of all the grandchildren I mentioned above.

She's just told me that when I go back to my new family she'll sell the house. I think she's somehow confusing me with my father - they divorced about 25 years ago.

I'll take the stuff home, with all the other things she wanted rud of that I've taken home, but it feels like the sort of clean out that I know people have to do when their parents pass away, only she hasn't passed away - she's just gradually purging all of her possessions.
Click to expand...
Complete sympathy as ever. Clearing out our parent's house whilst they are still alive - effectively selling and throwing their posessions accumulated over a lifetime fills me with enormous guilt. Sadly it has to he done - they aren't coming back from the depths of dementia - but make sure you keep anything that might be of sentimental value. We kept quite a bit but even now I wish we'd kept a few more smaller, low value things that maybe fetched a tenner at an auction. A good cry won't have done you any harm - it's a f***ing awful thing and there's no way around that.
 




Eric the meek

Eric the meek

Fiveways Wilf
NSC Patron
Aug 24, 2020
7,023
Motogull said:
No consolation, but you are not alone. My old man knows I am a relative, but cunningly does not tell me which one. I might be brother, son or nephew. I don't mind.

For years I have described meeting him as conversing with his ghost. It is him, but it isn't him.

As sad as it is, I am at peace with the situation.
Click to expand...
Towards the end, whenever I used to go and see my Mum, I said 'Hello Mum' in a loud voice, to help her 'remember' who I was. Rather than keep quiet to test her on what she may or may not remember in that moment, it seemed to put her at ease a bit. I've no idea if it was the right thing to do, or if other people cope with it differently. Unfortunately, there is no manual to help people through this, or if there was, I didn't come across it.
 


C

Cheeky Monkey

Well-known member
Jul 17, 2003
23,853
The stories are endless. My dad twice phoned 999 in a delirious state in the middle of the night shouting down the phone that he was on a ship that was sinking. Two days after the second time a very young PCSO turned up at the house, when I happened to be there, wanting to know what it was about, I tried talking to her away from my dad but she had absolutely no concept or understanding of dementia. I at least managed to get them to 'flag' the property and phone number so that any further calls in from that number were treated as urgent, mainly for my mum's protection, and so the 999 call taker could see on their screen the dementia issue.
 


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