Sex is like this for the elderly.

[Uncle C]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.


Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.


The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.



They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown

 

[The French Mistress]

Brilliant. Is the game on?

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Are we going up? Are Notts County going down?

 

[narly101]

i find that story really hard to believe. Which river were they on to have so many forks?

 

[glasfryn]

hilarious
the wife will like it too
pardon?

 

[Stat Brother]

So the old fella, does it twice, in one journey and wants to do the same a mere 24 hours later.
I find that hard to believe.

 

[mcshane in the 79th]

Surely it would be left or right rather than up or down?

 

[Gwylan]

Which river were they on to have so many forks?

Certainly wasn't near withdean

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Up or down would suggest 'upstream' or 'downstream'. Left or right would have been correct, so the chap obviously didn't know what he was doing.

Any deaf person worth their salt would be able to differentiate between 'up' and 'f***', slightly harder, but also 'down' and 'drown'.

0/10

 

[Fungus]

So, it's a joke about a deaf woman, rather than elderly people?

 

[Sausage]

In a similar vein, Mrs Sausage (who has very poor hearing) went to the doctor the other day because she was feeling wheezy....'big breaths' said the doc...........

After that they discussed her periodic bouts of nausea. 'What exactly are the symptoms' said the doc.....

She's got rheumy eyes as well, has Mrs Sausage.

She went to the optician who said..'Take a look round my office and tell me what you see'.
Mrs Sausage says 'Well, I can see a printer, a scanner, an external hard drive, a webcam and a Native Instruments Guitar Rig 4 Session I/O controller'.

'Oh well' says the optician 'At least there's nothing wrong with your peripheral vision'.

Etc etc etc

 

[hart's shirt]

But did they catch any fish?

It would seem to have been a bit of a pointless exercise if they didn't.

And still she went back for a second time...

The elderly lady should have come to her senses sooner and selected a better fisherman to have sex with.

 

[Pavilionaire]

This messageboard is no PLAICE for a poor gag like that...

 

[Trufflehound]

This messageboard is no PLAICE for a poor gag like that...

"Up or down?"

"Don't tell him PIKE!"

 

[Questions]

I thought he was going to tell her that he could smell fish or however that joke goes.

 

[highway61]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!! t