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Message to Quantas Pilot.
- Thread starter JAMC
- Start date
tedebear
Legal Alien
Qantas actually (wanna know what it stand for??) - but thats a great one - seen it before actually.... 
Lush
Mods' Pet
Are they still the only major airline never to have had an accident? In which case don't fly Quantas!!!!
Flew on them once in Oz and they had the gayest, most entertaining steward who took the mick out of the safety message the whole way through. Meant that we listened though, which can't be bad.
Flew on them once in Oz and they had the gayest, most entertaining steward who took the mick out of the safety message the whole way through. Meant that we listened though, which can't be bad.
tedebear
Legal Alien
I think that they still are - not 100% though...
Its QANTAS though for the second time - no U !! and they do have a gay stewards union - there are soo many of them - rather entertaining when he prances over to ask if you'd like the chicken or *snigger* the beef
Its QANTAS though for the second time - no U !! and they do have a gay stewards union - there are soo many of them - rather entertaining when he prances over to ask if you'd like the chicken or *snigger* the beef
The Large One
Who's Next?
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
tedebear
Legal Alien
blast TLO - beat me too it - I was just looking for that email in my personal folders !! excellent 
ps thanks for spelling QANTAS right
- I was just looking for that email in my personal folders !! excellent ps thanks for spelling QANTAS right
tedebear
Legal Alien
Trotster said:
aaaaaaahhhhhhhh !
Kylies Stunt Arse
What?
tedebear said:Qantas actually (wanna know what it stand for??) - but thats a great one - seen it before actually....
Is it Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service?
tedebear
Legal Alien
Kylies Stunt Arse said:
BINGO!!
although its "Aerial" services but not to be pedantic...so the banana benders up there did get something right
Zeitgeist
New member
As I shall be using Quantas internal flights during February, I share that little girls sentiments. 
tedebear
Legal Alien
Zeitgeist said:As I shall be using Quantas internal flights during February, I share that little girls sentiments.
obviously people are suffering from reading disorders this morning... I give up....
Kylies Stunt Arse
What?
tedebear said:
Has it occurred to you that they might just be doing it to wind you up?
tedebear
Legal Alien
right chapper smurf - I was just writing a new thread to you praising your smurfly avatar - but now you've gone and taken the urine - you of all people
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
perth seagull
Well-known member
- Jul 5, 2003
- 5,487
My old man works for Qantas, and yes, they are the only major airline in the world that hasn't had an accident.
Although sometime in 2000 or 2001 I remember an incident occurred in Thailand, and Qantas came close to ending that record.
Although sometime in 2000 or 2001 I remember an incident occurred in Thailand, and Qantas came close to ending that record.
tedebear said:right chapper smurf - I was just writing a new thread to you praising your smurfly avatar - but now you've gone and taken the urine - you of all people
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
The avatar is not my doing but i am growing to like it.
Andy Fumble started it all.
Lush
Mods' Pet
Trotster said:So did i!!!!! I flew Quantas to the Gold Coast in sept last year, and i was in stitches - i am a terrible flyer but i creased up all the way through it!!! It must be the same guy!!!
My trip was from Brisbane but it was about 13 years ago. Short-ish plump-ish guy. He must have turned into Danny La Rue by now!