Follow the ‘This club is SHAGGED’ plan:
S is for Source. Must be ‘reliable’, ‘close to the club’ and ‘privvee to inside information’. Make sure you misspell privy, it lends an air of fevered “I’m-so-eager-to-tell-you-I-can’t-even-type-properly” breathlessness to your Rumour®.
H is for History of source. It helps to sprinkle a little ‘they were right last time’ precedence over your Rumour®. For example: “They told me Darren Currie was going to Ipswich four weeks before he was even born, so they can’t be ignored.”
A is for Albion player. Don’t pick someone that another Rumourmonger® has already used! Come on, be creative! We need new Rumours® every time. So far today, no-one’s mentioned Maheta Molango going to Sunderland, or the fact Real Betis are sniffing round Adam el Abd. Get in there quick, it’s only 4.40pm.
G is for Gaping hole in club finances. Think of a number. Quadruple it. Add 32. Then bandy around phrases like “not including debt restructuring” and “hidden from the club’s auditors” to make it sound like you really know your financial shit.
G is for Great escape clause. Just in case some clever clogs like Lord B could thoroughly disprove your Rumour®, remember to cover your tracks with a weasely Great Escape Clause. For example: “I’m just repeating what this guy told me, I don’t know if it’s true or not.” Top Rumourmongers® will even use this moment to occupy the moral high ground: “I don’t believe it myself, but feel it my moral, ethical and religious duty to selflessly post this Rumour® on NSC so you can all make up your own minds, in a democratic and fair way.” Top Mongering!
E is for Extrapolate furiously. No Rumour® is enough in itself. It must spark a chain of increasingly irrational links. For example: “And if Jake Robinson goes to Torquay on loan, then Mark McGhee will walk out in disgust, and as soon as that happens Martin Perry will fly to Bermuda to sign a new manager, but his plane will crash, causing a tsumani to swamp most of low-lying Japan, the death of millions and the collapse of the global stock market.”
D is for Doom-laden conclusion. It’s imperative you top the last Rumour® to appear on NSC in terms of misery and general woe. So, if someone says we’ll be playing Conference football next year, go one better. For example: we’ll playing Conference football IN THE DARK. With no shorts. And against a team of under 12s from Moldova.
S is for Source. Must be ‘reliable’, ‘close to the club’ and ‘privvee to inside information’. Make sure you misspell privy, it lends an air of fevered “I’m-so-eager-to-tell-you-I-can’t-even-type-properly” breathlessness to your Rumour®.
H is for History of source. It helps to sprinkle a little ‘they were right last time’ precedence over your Rumour®. For example: “They told me Darren Currie was going to Ipswich four weeks before he was even born, so they can’t be ignored.”
A is for Albion player. Don’t pick someone that another Rumourmonger® has already used! Come on, be creative! We need new Rumours® every time. So far today, no-one’s mentioned Maheta Molango going to Sunderland, or the fact Real Betis are sniffing round Adam el Abd. Get in there quick, it’s only 4.40pm.
G is for Gaping hole in club finances. Think of a number. Quadruple it. Add 32. Then bandy around phrases like “not including debt restructuring” and “hidden from the club’s auditors” to make it sound like you really know your financial shit.
G is for Great escape clause. Just in case some clever clogs like Lord B could thoroughly disprove your Rumour®, remember to cover your tracks with a weasely Great Escape Clause. For example: “I’m just repeating what this guy told me, I don’t know if it’s true or not.” Top Rumourmongers® will even use this moment to occupy the moral high ground: “I don’t believe it myself, but feel it my moral, ethical and religious duty to selflessly post this Rumour® on NSC so you can all make up your own minds, in a democratic and fair way.” Top Mongering!
E is for Extrapolate furiously. No Rumour® is enough in itself. It must spark a chain of increasingly irrational links. For example: “And if Jake Robinson goes to Torquay on loan, then Mark McGhee will walk out in disgust, and as soon as that happens Martin Perry will fly to Bermuda to sign a new manager, but his plane will crash, causing a tsumani to swamp most of low-lying Japan, the death of millions and the collapse of the global stock market.”
D is for Doom-laden conclusion. It’s imperative you top the last Rumour® to appear on NSC in terms of misery and general woe. So, if someone says we’ll be playing Conference football next year, go one better. For example: we’ll playing Conference football IN THE DARK. With no shorts. And against a team of under 12s from Moldova.
