Favourite t.v comedy lines

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

Boycie- What's up delboy?
Looks like you've had a promise from a liar.
Grandad- I've had alot of sobering thoughts over the years.
It's them that started me drinking.




Sent by Derek Acorah via the spirit world.

 

[backson]

Baldrick Blackadder 2 : "Not to worry, my Lord. The arrow didn't in fact, enter my body. No. By a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way."

Quite so Baldrick, it could be your lucky willy

 

[backson]

They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

 

[Beach Hut]

Blackadder by a mile, seriously funny stuff bar the 1st series

 

[W.C.]

“Jeremy, there are many things i’d do to help you but digging a hole in the wintery earth with my bare hands to bury the corpse of dog you’ve just killed is not one of them”

 

[Basil Fawlty]

Only Fools and Horses:-

Mike- Well?

Trigger- Well what?

Mike- Well what are they going to call the baby?

Trigger- Oh, if it is a Girl. Then they're going to name her Sigourney after some actress. And if it is a boy, their going to call it Rodney after DAVE.

 

[father_and_son]

A caption which appeared on screen when Vivian had pushed a hippie into a fridge suring a party...

"The BBC would like to warn small children that pushing people in refridgerators is a bloody stupid thing to do"

 

[Durlston]

It's from the film Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels but still brilliant.

During the armed robbery by the four good guys with balaclavas on to the gangsters:

Gangster: "I'll find ya!"

Bacon: "Course you will, sweetheart".

Gangster: "I'll find ya!"

Bacon: "What do you think this is? f***ing hide and seek?"

 

[Titanic]

Basil: You'll have to sew them back on first.

 

[Basil Fawlty]

Basil fawlty:- What did you expect to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically…!”

 

[pasty]

Mrs Merton to Debbie McGhee "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels"

 

[Vatican Citys No.2 Keeper]

It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff, Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-PARROT!

 

[Pamphlet Pete]

Coronation Street, when Gail Platt is arguing in the street with Eileen over her son dumping Gail's daughter because he's now gay. As brother Jason walks up in his builder's clobber and hard-hat, I loved the line : "Oh look! Here come's the rest of The Village People!"

 

[Mental Lental]

You can put me in for another Blackadder 4 quote....

"I'm beginning to see why the suffragette movement want the vote."

"Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to MY railings and suffer a jet movement gets MY vote!

 

[Vatican Citys No.2 Keeper]

You can put me in for another Blackadder 4 quote....

"I'm beginning to see why the suffragette movement want the vote."

"Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to MY railings and suffer a jet movement gets MY vote!

 

[Barrow Boy]

Only fools and horses

Doctor - Do you have any trouble passing water?

Del Boy - I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once

 

[Bwian]

"20 seconds in-in my opinion one of American TVs funniest moments although it's a tad more than a line or two:

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[Dover]

Any Clement/La Frenais series, but I'll use Porridge...

Fletcher: "So you think you're working class."
Godper: "I think so. Born and raised in a council house in Smethick. Dad always out of work. Mum feeding us on scraps."
Fletcher: "Oh really! You wait 'till we get up north old son. I think you'll find your'e distinctly middle class."

 

[turienzo's lovechild]

all from the brilliant "the thick of it"

Malcolm Tucker: He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Malcolm: [To Olly] Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat. You're not in a punt now.

Malcolm: Don't take it personally.
Hugh: You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person. How else am I supposed to take it?

Malcolm: Has anybody seen Jamie?
Ollie: Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral! 'cause he was f***ing terrifying when you had him on the leash.

Jamie: Hey, desperate housewives, have you found out who's leaking it yet?
Glen Cullen: I have. It's Julius! He just told me-
Jamie: No, no, no, wait, Julius? Nicholson?! That baldy pussy! Well, I'll tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait 'till you see when I'm finished with him! He'll look like f***ing Mel Gibson's Jesus f***!! f*** f***!! f***!!

Malcolm: f***'S SAKE! JESUS CHRIST! Well, now we've got another fuckin' adjective to add to fuckin' 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we? 'FUCKIN' RETARDED!' Do you think it would not just be germane to check who you're talking to? IT'S A FUCKIN' NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKIN' DEAF! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! AM I GONNA HAVE TO RUN AROUND SLAPPING BADGES ON PEOPLE WITH A BIG TICK ON SOME AND A BIG CROSS ON OTHERS SO YOU KNOW WHEN TO SHUT YOUR GOB AND WHEN TO OPEN IT?! JESUS CHRIST, THAT'D PROBABLY CONFUSE YOU AS WELL, WOULDN'T IT? THAT'D BE TOO CONFUSING, YOU'D SEE THE CROSS AND GO 'OH, f***, X MARKS THE SPOT! I'D BETTER TELL THIS LITTLE PERSON ABOUT THE PRIME MINISTER'S CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!' Oh, but not to worry, not to worry. You've sent fuckin' Ollie over there to deal with it. FUCKIN' OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKIN', HE'S A FUCKIN, KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT! HE'S A FUCKIN' BALACLAVA!


Robyn: Do you know, Malcolm, the best way to clear a paper jam?
Malcolm: I don't know... kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?

Malcolm Tucker: [walks up to Phil] Ok, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for f***ing bullying?
Ollie: [to Malcolm] What are you doing?
Phil: No, what...
Malcolm Tucker: [to Ollie] Don't worry. [to Phil] Did you not know that?
Phil: No, why would I... No...
Malcolm Tucker: Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know they came from you.
Phil: Clever.
Malcolm Tucker: And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by f***ing air crash investigators. [Phil tries to protest] DON'T f***ing interrupt me, son, ever. Now get this into the noggin, right. You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing f***ing ****, and I will tear your f***ing skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian f***ing Rhapsody, right?
Phil: [nods in shock] Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Now, get out of my f***ing sight.
Phil: Yeah. [wanders off, visibly terrified]

Malcolm: [Over phone to Glenn] Are you producing porn for the visually impaired? Because what I'm hearing on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly f***ed.

Ben: I'd have myself a sandwich, I'm f***ing starving-
Malcolm: What did I f***ing say? What did I just f***ing say, I said one of the f***ing times. Stand up. [Ben does not stand] I'm telling you to f***ing stand up you sack of f***ing cum, stand the f*** up! [Ben stands] f***ing move. Right! [Malcolm grabs a keyboard] See that?! f***ing play with that, right?! Never mind your f***ing toys, play with that, [pushes Ben towards a corner] go stand in that f***ing corner. Stand over there, right?! And do not move, or I will perform a f***ing living f***ing autopsy on you, with a f***ing rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for f***ing cuff links!

Steve Fleming: Everyone knows we don't get on. We are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
Malcolm Tucker: Does that mean that I'm the semi-talented songwriter and you're the f***ing loutish prick?

 

[AgerBomb22]

"Would you care for a rat".

Fawlty towers: Basil the rat