Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
They watch us from on high as we go about our daily business. They walk amongst us at craft fayres. They brush up closely against us in queues for the cashpoint. Yes, love them or loathe them, those Lewes District Councillors are here to stay (until next May at least). But what exactly is it that makes them tick ? Could YOU be an LDC councillor ? Why not take this easy, fun to do quiz and find out ? Give yourself 1 point for answering A, 2 points for answering B, and 3 points for answering C. Total up your points at the end, and lets see if YOU can put the STRICT into DISTRICT COUNCIL.
1. You notice in the planning column of the local paper that Mr Trimmer of 63 Scrotely Avenue has applied for permission to carry out a loft conversion on his semi-detatched house. This will involve extending the roof outwards in order to install two small windows, so that Mr Trimmers elderly paraplegic mother Elsie, who has been trapped upstairs for nine years, can finally enjoy some natural sunshine in the twilight of her life. Mr Trimmer lives four miles away from you. Do you:
a) Read the entry with interest, before writing to Mr Trimmer giving the details of a reputable local building firm who did such an excellent job on your own extension only last year. Wish Mr Trimmer well and ask him to pass on your regards to his delightful mother.
b) Roll your eyes and turn over to the TV listings. The details of other peoples humdrum existance is of no interest or consequence to you, and you resolve to avoid reading everything except the obiturary column from henceforth.
c) Write to your local MP expressing your disgust and outrage at Mr Trimmers plans. Register your objections in the strongest possible terms, outlining the horrific and irreversible impact this loft conversion will have on the skyline of the area, not to mention the adverse effect on local wildlife, as rare migrating birds (you forget their name) from Angola in April would undoubtedly be confused and distressed at being confronted by this monstrosity in their flightpath. Don’t forget to mention that if you happened to be driving in Mr Trimmers locality, there’s a chance that if you stop at the traffic lights outside his house and look up and over your right shoulder, you might have your view of that bit of the sky partially obstructed by Mr Trimmers extended roof. Demand a full Public Inquiry into the plans.
2. Your doorbell rings. You answer the door to a middle aged lady who is there to collect the Avon catalogue and to take any orders you may have this month. You are indeed running low on your Rimmel eyeliner and Oil of Ulay skincream, but unfortunately it had slipped your mind to fill out the form. Do you:
a) Smile pleasantly and ask her if she wouldn’t mind awfully hanging around for a couple of minutes while you fill the order form out ? Offer to make her a nice cup of tea while she waits.
b) Hide behind the settee until she goes away. You’re already a couple of months behind on the payments, and you can’t help staring at her wayward wandering eye, which makes you feel deeply uncomfortable.
c) Answer the door, and screech an extensive tirade of foul-mouthed abuse at her. As the poor woman runs in terror from your doorstep, untether your violent psychopathic partner from his shackles and set him loose on her. Watch in glee as he storms down the pathway, leaps into the passenger seat of her car, and thumps her repeatedly around the head until she slumps forward with her face completely mashed into a bloodied pulp.
3. You are planning your summer holiday abroad. You and your children chatter excitedly as you pour over the endless brochures showing exotic locations and far-flung sundrenched destinations. The rest of your family have their hearts set on a fortnight on the beautiful Greek island of Rhodes. However, you have a long standing and intense dislike of greeks following an unpleasant episode involving a broken spatula and some humus. You would much prefer a couple of weeks in Norfolk. Do you:
a) Put aside your deep-set prejudice against greeks, and agree to a fortnight in Rhodes. After all, Stelios has been as good as his word, and none of the…unpleasantness with the humus has ever come to light. Its not as if the scarring is anywhere visible anyway.
b) Tell your family that you have recently converted to Buddhism, and that this ancient mystic religeon forbids you from travelling to a country where sexual intercourse with camels is still legal. And yes, that also rules out Faliraki.
c) Take the Rhodes brochure out to the kitchen, and cut out pictures of chalets from a Butlins brochure circa 1976. Then cleverly glue the grubby chalet pictures over the pictures of the hotels and villas in Rhodes (don’t forget the Redcoats). Then, for good measure, draw a lewd picture of a giant ejaculating penis on the side of one of the chalet walls, and scrawl “f*** you eengleeesh peegs” next to it, as though it has been graffiti’d. Stick a picture of Gary Glitter in one of the swimming pools, and superimpose some excrement on the beach. Present this to your family and tell them you don’t feel Rhodes would be an appropriate place for your holiday after all.
Well, how did you do ? Lets see if YOU'VE got what it takes to make it into the Cabinet of LDC.
3 Points:
Oh dear. You appear to be a balanced and reasonable human being with a positive outlook on life. You are public-spirited and generous to a fault. You are certainly intelligent and probably highly attractive to the opposite sex. You wouldn't last 5 minutes in local government. Go and do something more worthwhile.
4-6 Points:
You certainly have potential. You are rather unpleasant, and seem willing to twist any situation to suit your own agenda. With a little more effort you could make it, but you perhaps just lack that ruthless streak. Buy a tweed jacket and look down your nose at people, you could still make it.
7-9 Points:
Well good afternoon Councillor ! You are a mean-spirited, devious, obnoxious liar who would poison your neighbours guide dog if it ever so much as looked at you a bit funny. You make it your lifes mission to ensure everyone around you is as miserable as possible, and will stoop to any level to cause inconvenience, disappointment and heartache to as many people as is humanly possible. Your one love in life is red tape, and you have astonishingly bad hair. You absolutely belong to LDC, and LDC belongs to you. Now, what are you waiting for ? Go and ruin someones life !
1. You notice in the planning column of the local paper that Mr Trimmer of 63 Scrotely Avenue has applied for permission to carry out a loft conversion on his semi-detatched house. This will involve extending the roof outwards in order to install two small windows, so that Mr Trimmers elderly paraplegic mother Elsie, who has been trapped upstairs for nine years, can finally enjoy some natural sunshine in the twilight of her life. Mr Trimmer lives four miles away from you. Do you:
a) Read the entry with interest, before writing to Mr Trimmer giving the details of a reputable local building firm who did such an excellent job on your own extension only last year. Wish Mr Trimmer well and ask him to pass on your regards to his delightful mother.
b) Roll your eyes and turn over to the TV listings. The details of other peoples humdrum existance is of no interest or consequence to you, and you resolve to avoid reading everything except the obiturary column from henceforth.
c) Write to your local MP expressing your disgust and outrage at Mr Trimmers plans. Register your objections in the strongest possible terms, outlining the horrific and irreversible impact this loft conversion will have on the skyline of the area, not to mention the adverse effect on local wildlife, as rare migrating birds (you forget their name) from Angola in April would undoubtedly be confused and distressed at being confronted by this monstrosity in their flightpath. Don’t forget to mention that if you happened to be driving in Mr Trimmers locality, there’s a chance that if you stop at the traffic lights outside his house and look up and over your right shoulder, you might have your view of that bit of the sky partially obstructed by Mr Trimmers extended roof. Demand a full Public Inquiry into the plans.
2. Your doorbell rings. You answer the door to a middle aged lady who is there to collect the Avon catalogue and to take any orders you may have this month. You are indeed running low on your Rimmel eyeliner and Oil of Ulay skincream, but unfortunately it had slipped your mind to fill out the form. Do you:
a) Smile pleasantly and ask her if she wouldn’t mind awfully hanging around for a couple of minutes while you fill the order form out ? Offer to make her a nice cup of tea while she waits.
b) Hide behind the settee until she goes away. You’re already a couple of months behind on the payments, and you can’t help staring at her wayward wandering eye, which makes you feel deeply uncomfortable.
c) Answer the door, and screech an extensive tirade of foul-mouthed abuse at her. As the poor woman runs in terror from your doorstep, untether your violent psychopathic partner from his shackles and set him loose on her. Watch in glee as he storms down the pathway, leaps into the passenger seat of her car, and thumps her repeatedly around the head until she slumps forward with her face completely mashed into a bloodied pulp.
3. You are planning your summer holiday abroad. You and your children chatter excitedly as you pour over the endless brochures showing exotic locations and far-flung sundrenched destinations. The rest of your family have their hearts set on a fortnight on the beautiful Greek island of Rhodes. However, you have a long standing and intense dislike of greeks following an unpleasant episode involving a broken spatula and some humus. You would much prefer a couple of weeks in Norfolk. Do you:
a) Put aside your deep-set prejudice against greeks, and agree to a fortnight in Rhodes. After all, Stelios has been as good as his word, and none of the…unpleasantness with the humus has ever come to light. Its not as if the scarring is anywhere visible anyway.
b) Tell your family that you have recently converted to Buddhism, and that this ancient mystic religeon forbids you from travelling to a country where sexual intercourse with camels is still legal. And yes, that also rules out Faliraki.
c) Take the Rhodes brochure out to the kitchen, and cut out pictures of chalets from a Butlins brochure circa 1976. Then cleverly glue the grubby chalet pictures over the pictures of the hotels and villas in Rhodes (don’t forget the Redcoats). Then, for good measure, draw a lewd picture of a giant ejaculating penis on the side of one of the chalet walls, and scrawl “f*** you eengleeesh peegs” next to it, as though it has been graffiti’d. Stick a picture of Gary Glitter in one of the swimming pools, and superimpose some excrement on the beach. Present this to your family and tell them you don’t feel Rhodes would be an appropriate place for your holiday after all.
Well, how did you do ? Lets see if YOU'VE got what it takes to make it into the Cabinet of LDC.
3 Points:
Oh dear. You appear to be a balanced and reasonable human being with a positive outlook on life. You are public-spirited and generous to a fault. You are certainly intelligent and probably highly attractive to the opposite sex. You wouldn't last 5 minutes in local government. Go and do something more worthwhile.
4-6 Points:
You certainly have potential. You are rather unpleasant, and seem willing to twist any situation to suit your own agenda. With a little more effort you could make it, but you perhaps just lack that ruthless streak. Buy a tweed jacket and look down your nose at people, you could still make it.
7-9 Points:
Well good afternoon Councillor ! You are a mean-spirited, devious, obnoxious liar who would poison your neighbours guide dog if it ever so much as looked at you a bit funny. You make it your lifes mission to ensure everyone around you is as miserable as possible, and will stoop to any level to cause inconvenience, disappointment and heartache to as many people as is humanly possible. Your one love in life is red tape, and you have astonishingly bad hair. You absolutely belong to LDC, and LDC belongs to you. Now, what are you waiting for ? Go and ruin someones life !
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could take his hat off to you, he surely would.
I demand that you dictate it all down so I can whack it on a walkman and listen to your subtle tones in my sleep, THEN I can give you answers the following morning.....no NOT pillow talk 