Antique Jokes Roadshow

[Moshe Gariani]

This joke has just come into my possession via the means of a circular e-mail at work. Does anyone know how old it is and whether it might be worth anything?

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?' 'Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.

How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. '£150!', she cried.. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?'

The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry.' If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan. It's now £150.'

 

[wehatepalace]

made me laugh 8/10

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

i count any joke that my dad told me as OLD. therefore this one is ANCIENT

 

[smudge]

That is truly awful; however, I plan to use it in a pub after several jars in the near future!

 

[Hiney]

Excellent

 

[Peppermint Tea]

Loving your work MG and will be repeating that to the boys as we drive down to Marseille on Thursday for our festival of egg-chasing...

 

[Trufflehound]

I took my shitsu to the zoo the other day.

He was bored.



Or something like that...

 

[Fixtures]

This joke has just come into my possession via the means of a circular e-mail at work. Does anyone know how old it is and whether it might be worth anything?

I'm a bit concerned about whether you are the real owner of this joke. Did you come by it honestly? It certainly seems to have changed hands a few times recently.

On March 3rd, 2004 it belonged to Vinyl Richie but later that year (6th Sept) it seems to have been transferred to El Presidente. By 17th November of 2004 it was in the hands of PompeyDel (but was this perhaps a loan deal?). What happened to it for the next little while is something of a mystery but it resurfaced on the 8th of February 2006 with Bakesy, who must have got bored of it quite quickly as by 3rd October '06 it was the property of McShane.

So did you really get this by email? Do you have a receipt? Or is the merchandise perhaps a little hot?

 

[Moshe Gariani]

I'm a bit concerned about whether you are the real owner of this joke. Did you come by it honestly? It certainly seems to have changed hands a few times recently.

On March 3rd, 2004 it belonged to Vinyl Richie but later that year (6th Sept) it seems to have been transferred to El Presidente. By 17th November of 2004 it was in the hands of PompeyDel (but was this perhaps a loan deal?). What happened to it for the next little while is something of a mystery but it resurfaced on the 8th of February 2006 with Bakesy, who must have got bored of it quite quickly as by 3rd October '06 it was the property of McShane.

So did you really get this by email? Do you have a receipt? Or is the merchandise perhaps a little hot?

Excellent work Fixtures - I can assure that I did receive an e-mail this very morning passing on "ownership" of said joke.

The provenance is fascinating. Is Vinyl Richie still around? I'm not really interested in the value of the joke (I'd never consider selling it) but it would be lovely just to know a bit more about where it came from...

 

[Icy Gull]

This joke did come up for auction about 3 years ago, went passed my limit very quickly though and i imagine it's continued to rise in value due the shortage of good jokes around at the moment.

 

[Titanic]

[FONT=Arial, Verdana, Helvetica]I have a feeling this joke may have been subject to some alteration, perhaps several years after it was originally crafted. While this obviously has a significant impact on it's value, I think it is still an item of some merit in todays market.

"A blonde antique trader was terribly overweight and could hardly fit behind the counter, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping." [/FONT]

 

[Common as Mook]

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years

 

[Moshe Gariani]

[FONT=Arial, Verdana, Helvetica]I have a feeling this joke may have been subject to some alteration, perhaps several years after it was originally crafted. While this obviously has a significant impact on it's value, I think it is still an item of some merit in todays market.

"A blonde antique trader was terribly overweight and could hardly fit behind the counter, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping." [/FONT]

As you say Titanic, a rather crude alteration to the handle in that joke, but the "blonde antique trader" section could be restored and that would definitely be worth doing at some point.

I've done a bit more research into the "Cat Scan" piece and apparently if it had been by the same artist as "Handjob" then it would be worth somewhere between fifty and sixty thousand pounds! It is still a very nice example though and if you wanted to replace it you would have to pay a dealer in the region of ten thousand pounds. Not bad.... I still won't sell it but I guess I'd better go and check the house insurance.

 

[Brovion]

This thread does raise some good points. My own personal fear is that, like for cars, one day I might be a victim of an 'insurance joke' scam. You know the score, someone gets sent two jokes, they collide in their inbox and both get written off as terrible. However the unscrupulous recipient cut 'n' pastes the front end of one joke and adds it to the back end of the other. The unsafe, welded-together joke is then passed off as nearly-new humour. It happened to my brother who got sent the following:

"Doctor doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains"
"I'm not surprised with beer at £10 a pint!"

Being a little unworldly he thought this was a 'proper' joke and told it at a party, much to his wife's embarrassment.

 

[Simster]

I took my shitsu to the zoo the other day.

He was bored.



Or something like that...

Quality.




(I liked the original joke too, even if it was slightly old)

 

[Simster]

My dog stinks. Mind you, his nose fell off the other day, to be fair.

 

[The Wookiee]

My dog stinks. Mind you, his nose fell off the other day, to be fair.

How does he smell ?

 

[Norman Potting]

My wifes just gone to the Caribbean.

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord!



Boom, boom

 

[Simster]

How does he smell ?

He can't. His nose fell off as I've just told you. He uses his sense of touch, and presumably his sense of taste instead.

 

[Lokki 7]

It is still a very nice example though and if you wanted to replace it you would have to pay a dealer in the region of ten thousand pounds. Not bad.... I still won't sell it but I guess I'd better go and check the house insurance.

You should also get a good accountant to assess your inheritance tax obligations with regards to leaving this joke to your children, you don't want them to get hit with a huge tax bill one day do you?