I took me three attempts to try and read this post, specifically at the point highlighted in bold, because my tears were in danger of flooding my laptop.
This writing is total genius. Bravo sir.
I've had to stop reading this thread because there are tears running down my cheeks (the ones on my face) and I am struggling to see.
I got as far as "I was woken up at 2.36".
10/10 to all contributors so far. f***ing hilarious